Life thru the haze of cat hair.

Monthly Archives: September 2010

From the junior high school gym in the middle of nowhere, I present “What I Love About Me”

I love that I do nice things for people. I hold open doors, pull out chairs, get things off of shelves, and lift heavy things for people. Even random strangers. I will remember that you mentioned that you really like “The Giving Tree” and buy it for you. I will do research to find the best deal on a purchase for you.

Even more, I love that I am raising my kids to be the same way. We need more nice people in the world.

Oh, hello! Waffles and coffee are ready if you are interested.

Today: Something you love about yourself

I love my laugh. I love my giggle. I love how easily I laugh. Even when things are yucky, if something strikes my funny bone, I will laugh.

Some people at the Gas ‘n Sip think that isn’t professional of me. My feeling on that? We spend so much time at work, if we can’t have fun, life will be miserable.

It’s okay to laugh. I love the deep belly laughs that come from a good joke.  I also love those laughs when you are laughing so hard, you can’t breathe. Tears come down your cheeks. You might even pee a little.

And those silly times when you just can’t stop giggling. Every time you think about it again, you start giggling again. Love.

Tomorrow: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Oh, hello. Again. Good grief, I’m prolific this week! I think some wine is in order. Or sparkling cider for those who don’t imbibe.

Before I start, I want to say thank you to Moo for pushing me to do this. Starting today. Honestly, I was only going to start tomorrow for *her*. Give her a chance to think about things. Honestly.

Something I hate about myself:

I hate that I cannot control my eating. I eat very fast and way too much, according to defined “portion sizes”. And when it comes to processed sugar? Forget it. Even as I continue to shovel into my face, I recognize how gross it is and that I should stop. But I can’t. Until it’s either gone or I am just this side of wanting to puke, I keep eating.

I know that I just shouldn’t buy it, what ever it is. But it’s like I become possessed. And one is rarely enough. I buy 2 of whatever it is, knowing that the first one will be gone within the hour.

That’s a thing I hate about myself.

Oh, and I’m physically lazy.


Something I love about myself.

Hi.  I’m Texas Emerald.  Or ~moo~, depending on how well you know me.  Perhaps we’ve met?

At any rate, my sweet friend, MagandMoo, is making a change in her life.  I am so very proud of her.  And a little jealous.

So, I promised her that I would help.  I am cheering for her as loud as I can from 2,000 miles away.

I told MagandMoo that I would do 30 days of truth with her.  The silly girl suggested that we start tomorrow…oh no ma’am.  We’re not getting back in that wagon.

While she’s hyperventilating in a paperbag in the corner, here is my post for the day.

“Something you hate about yourself”

I am an epic procrastinator.  I’m in college.  I will graduate as soon as I finish 1 class and a Capstone project.  1 class people!  So, I watch Criminal Minds instead.

I’m overweight.  Not elephant sized, but more than portly.  I want to make a significant change to my weight before I turn 35.  In 9 months.  So, I…um…do nothing.  Oh, except have an after dinner Drumstick. WIN!

So, my *hate* thing, I’m freaking lazy. 

Your turn MagandMoo.

Oh, hello! I”m on quite a roll, aren’t I? The bagels are fresh and the cream cheese is whipped. Help yourself.

Ok, Universe. I get it! Seriously. I can’t stop giggling at how blind I have been.

Firstly, my Angel gave me the gift of changing my life.

Secondly, I came across what I think might be the theme song of my Inner Wisdom (and, I swear to Cod, it just came on my playlist. Right. Now!) Relentless by Audrye Sessions. Check it out.

Thirdly, the lovely and talented DailySnark had this post yesterday.  Originally, I thought about doing it, but in journal form. But, I might do it here. If Scaredy Kat lets me. (She’s part of Mean Marcy’s crew.)

And today, here, there was this post.  I have never read this blog before. And usually, I just skim the “headlines” on the DailyBrainstorm.

I feel like I’m getting bombarded with the pom-poms the Wonder Twins play with. (Pom-poms, because they don’t hurt. They make me giggle.)

Mean Marcy and her crew don’t stand a chance.

Oh, hello!  I made sandwiches. Help yourself.

Last night was the first “class” of Reform School. It was exciting and fun and scary.

We learned more about inner mean girls and the sort of categories into which they fit. Turns out, I have no less than 7 mean girls with me. All the time.

This week’s assignment is to get to know our mean girls.  You might think you know her (them), but do you? Really?

So far I have met one. She is the leader. She bosses me and all the other mean girls around. Her name is Mean Marcy.

She keeps me from EVERYTHING. Why walk when I won’t lose the weight anyway. Why try new things when being afraid is what I know now. Marcy has been very busy.

I need Marcy to go on vacation. A long one. And she needs to take her friends with her. I’m exhausted from listening to her and all her lies.

I’m realizing that this post won’t make sense to many of you. (You know, because there *are* so many of you. *heh*) (Thank you for stopping by, BTW.) So I’ll keep it short. Marcy has some explaining to do. And the others need to introduce themselves to me.

Maybe then I will get to put some of those lies to rest. And I can show the world my fabulousness.

Oh hello! Yes, I’m here again so soon. The tea is fresh. Help yourself.

If you’ve spent any time here at all, you know that I am ridiculously hard on myself. My self-esteem hovers near non-existent. And generally speaking, I am lazy. I have posted before that I need to make a change and I get lonely, and blah blah blah… until even *I* am sick of myself.

Well, I also spend a lot of time trolling around on other people blogs and clicking links to things they like. By doing that, somehow, I had come across this. Over the summer, I even signed up for the 40-day cleanse. But, continuing a familiar pattern, I didn’t follow through because I wasn’t held accountable by anyone. (Not even myself.) And I hadn’t told anyone that I was doing it.  Part of this website talks about the Inner Mean Girl Reform School. It’s a 10-week program to help you stop being so hard on yourself, enjoy your life, and to feel successful. BRILLIANT!!

Yeah, except, again, continuing a familiar pattern, I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR IT. GAH!!

And then.

I have a birth mark on my forehead that is usually not visible. It used to be when I was little, but very rarely now. It’s in the shape of an angel. When I was little, I thought it was to remind me that I have a guardian angel protecting me. But as the mark faded, I forgot about it. And I forgot about my angel. On Sunday, as I was getting ready for my weekly visit to my parents, she was back. My angel was back. She is still faint, but I could see her again. I wondered if she was back for a reason, but then set that aside and went on with my day.

I found out on Monday why my angel appeared again. She was reminding me that I do, in fact, have angels working for me.

How do I know this?

Monday evening, while sprawled on the sofa watching (very likely) another NCIS* repeat, I got a Tweet from an angel. She wanted to know if I would attend the Inner Mean Girl Reform School with her, as her guest. It would be her gift to me. (I would tell you who it is, but I’m not sure she wants that, so I will keep my angel’s real name a secret. Henceforth, she will be referred to as Angel.)

I immediately burst into tears. And almost fell off the couch. Here was this woman, whom I have never met IRL, offering to in essence GIVE ME MONEY TO CHANGE MY LIFE. What? Really?


Angels do.

Angel and I have “known” each other only for about a year. We Tweet frequently. We have spoken on the phone occasionally. We have read each other’s blogs often. I wouldn’t say we know each other well, but evidently, Angel saw something in me that told her I am worth her time and money.

I. Was. Floored.

No one has ever done something like this for me before. And as anyone who knows me knows, I don’t typically accept things like this. From anyone. Sure. Buy me a coffee or a lunch once in a while, (and I will reciprocate), but this? Normally, it makes me uncomfortable.

This was different. I didn’t get that feeling of “Oh she just feels sorry for me” or whatever. I just knew that she sincerely wanted to give me this gift, that it made her happy to do so. And it felt right.  I know that if I were a better money manager, this is something *I* would offer to do for someone, but I didn’t know I was worth it. (And someday? I will do this for someone. Pay it forward. It’s the right thing to do.)

So I said yes. And cried some more. (It’s what I do. Apparently.)

So, starting tonight, and for the next 10 weeks, I will be back in school. Reform school. What am I hoping to get out of it? I hope to be able to tell my Inner Mean Girl to STFU (nicely of course… *batting eyelashes innocently*). I want to stop hearing all the negative things that go on in my head. I want to find the motivation to get off of the couch and walk. I want to replace all the negative cuck (It’s a word. Shut up.) with positive stuff. And remind myself that I am worth it.

Part of this process is to solicit support from people. So, instead of hiding on my sofa, in front of the computer, here I am. Putting it out there. I am going to Reform School and will be making positive changes in my life. I am going to need your support. (Yes. I’m looking at you… and you.) I will slip up and I need you to call me out. (But kindly, please.) And I would like to share with you what I’m going through. I hope you will help me and accept me and support me. (And if you can, join me! Sign up, too!) (No, I didn’t get paid to say that…. le sigh.)

Anyway. That’s what is going on here. And in about a week, I get to meet Angel, in person, for the first time. She is coming to visit me! And I’m sure I’ll cry again.

Thank you, Angel, from the bottom of my heart. You have given me a gift that I can never repay. I hope I am worth it. And I hope I deserve it. And I look forward to going to Reform School with you.

*One of Tony’s lines has stuck with me. And I think it’s kind of appropriate here: If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got. If you want something different, you need to do different.

Who knew Tony DiNozzo could be so profound?

Oh, hello!! I won’t even bother about the mess. I have a cleaner coming in. Help yourself to some spaghetti and meatballs.

I’m not dead. And if you have stopped by while I have been gone, THANK YOU! I don’t know why you would do that, but I appreciate it.

So, where have I been? And why haven’t I written?

I’ll start with the latter. I haven’t written because I haven’t felt like I had anything to say. Maybe I’ve been thinking about it too much. Or not enough. Then, the longer I went without posting, the more I didn’t want to post. Like when you don’t call someone for a while, and then the longer you wait to call, it gets more awkward? Yeah, that’s how I feel. Or felt. Or feel. I don’t know. I’ll see how it goes.

Where have I been? Right here. I haven’t “been” anywhere. I had 2 weeks off in August and had great huge plans to post every day. Then my friend Moo and her husband came up from Texas for the weekend. It was nice to actually meet her IRL. She’s as lovely as I knew she would be.

Then work has been… work. The Gas ‘n Sip can be very stressful and when I think about the possibility of maybe not having a job in a few months, it makes it worse. Of course, that is mostly in my own mind that I won’t have a job. I have been given no indication that that is the case.

Then I decided that there has to be more to life that what I am doing. Work. Life. Emotions. All of it. I decided that I need to find a job in other state or country. But am I doing it for adventure or am I trying to run away from my life? I think I need to find that out before I do anything. OR, as I type that, a new question. Is the theory that I need to figure things out before I do anything, part of what is making me stuck? A conundrum, I think.

I’ve been looking at other blogs and books and seeing the steps others are taking to make changes. I have such admiration for all the steps and hard things these people have taken and worked through to get better. To make their lives better. I want to do that. I really want to do that too. But I am afraid. Still.

The only thing I have sort of kept current with is Twitter. But even that has been at a lesser level. I think some of my connections on there have been real. But others? Nah. It’s not like I feel like I can just pick up the phone and call any of them. It all goes back to that not wanting to be a burden thing.

So, there you have it. My first post back after my sabbatical. I hope to get better. Soon.