Hi! Welcome back. It’s been quite the summer. I’m having quinoa right now. Would you like some?
So, the summer of 2012. June was spent getting ready for three family members to get surgery. July was spent sitting through said surgeries, driving to visiting hours, shopping on behalf of people who couldn’t, etc. All in the name of family. It was the right thing to do, and I would do it again.
Then August came. I mentioned before that my family broke up with me on August 1. At the time, I thought it would be temporary and that things would get better. I spent a good amount of time sobbing, wondering if I really was “a loser” and “a disappointment”. My conclusion? No. I’m not I was exhausted all the time, yet I couldn’t sleep. Depression, personified.
Once September started, I was ecstatic that the worst summer I can remember was coming to an end. Things couldn’t get worse, right? That is right. September has been SPECTACULAR so far.
I passed a certification exam that will help me in my job on September 1. I took the week off and goofed off. Then, I went to NJ to celebrate the successful launch of a project I had been working on for more than a year. It was a lovely celebration, and I won an iPad. Right after, I was taken out to a very fancy dinner in Philadelphia. It was amazing. And I saw the Liberty Bell (driving by at about 30mph, but still).
So here we are. September 10. And this month has rocked my face off so far. I still haven’t spoken with my family, but I’m getting used to it. I’m still sad about it.
Anyhoo. That’s been my summer. September is the start of the way things will be for me. I’m happy.
Oh, hello! Good to see you again. Have some strawberries and other fresh fruit.
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True to form, I’ve been M.I.A. for a while. I honestly don’t set out to be so lax. My intention is to come here and write but then life gets in my way.
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Work has been crazy busy – 10-12 hour days busy. I don’t like it. At all. By the time I get home from work, I am so physically and mentally exhausted that it’s all I can do to get dinner for myself and The Wonder Twins.
I have a new manager at the Gas ‘n Sip too, so having to break him in is extra work. *heh* So far, he is good. He puts up with my venting and is good about providing solid feedback.
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Also going on is that there are several family members that are having surgery in the next 4 weeks. Yes, I said several. It’s been extremely stressful, even though I don’t want to believe it. One of the surgeries could potentially impact my life significantly, depending on the outcome. Actually, I suppose all of them could impact my life depending on the outcome. I don’t think I want to think about that.
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I’ve been asked to help my niece practice driving so that she can get her license. Apparently, the Sister and BIL can’t deal with her attitude when they drive with her. My feeling is that they are hyper-critical. I’ve been out with her a couple of times. She does okay. She just needs practice.
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I am currently on 2 weeks holiday from the Gas ‘n Sip. I wish my time off was being spent in Paris or on a safari or something equally fabulous. Alas, I am here, providing transport, moral support, and other assistance as needed for said family members during the pre-op weeks.
I might paint my bathroom though. That’s exciting, right?
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So what’s going on in your lives?
As I was thinking about this post, it sounded somewhat familiar to me. I may have written something like this before; I don’t know. I started looking back through old posts, but whatever. If you’ve seen this before, feel free to move along.
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I think the time has finally come to face reality.
The Gas ‘n Sip has won. I have lost.
They have won the war. They have successfully beaten me down to the breaking point, and beyond.
I’m officially waving the white flag, crying “Uncle” and I’m ready to sign peace treaties.
I just cannot do this. Anymore.
If you know me at all, you know that I like to laugh – even while at work. I think it’s important to have fun at what you are doing. But at the same time, I would describe myself as being incredibly conscientious and motivated to do a good job. I *want* things to go well. I *want* projects to succeed. If I’m researching a new Slurpee flavor, I want to make sure that what I provide reflects the care and thought that went in to making that available. I get extraordinarily frustrated when others don’t have the same drive. Or when, just before I put up the “New Flavor” sign, they throw in some sort of curve ball to change, delay, or otherwise screw up what I have worked so hard on.
I will fight and stand up for my opinions, but at some point it’s better to just agree.
Before I went on vacation, I was a colossal bitch. I know I was. And I was looking forward to the week off to sort of smooth some ruffled feathers and come back ready to go.
And then I came back.
Within 4 hours of my return? I had cried twice.
The Zen place I had been when I walked through the door? Gone.
The knots in my shoulders were back. My upset stomach was back. My exhaustion and all around ill-humor were both back.
In the week I was gone, my new Slurpee flavor project fell apart. The players had changed. The focus had changed. And once again, every conversation became a battle. Instead of working together to resolve, there was a huge amount of time spent on finger-pointing. Blaming. There may as well have been hair-pulling. It was just that bad. Something I submitted *3 WEEKS AGO* to make the new flavor a particular shade of red WAS STILL SITTING THERE, and yet somehow, it is my fault that the request is not done yet.
And while there is some benefit on looking back to what we could have done differently, addressing the problem at hand and moving past it seems to me to be a better course of action. I’m just spit-balling here, so who knows.
So this morning, after yet another round of “You suck. You screwed up. We can’t release this on time because you did/didn’t/should have/shouldn’t have…”, I am officially, but not irreparably, broken.
I’m 45 years old (tomorrow). (Yes, happy birthday to ME!) 🙂
I cannot work another 20+ years in this state of mind. I just cannot do it.
With that in mind, and to quote Mike Dooley, thoughts become things. I am going to put my request out to the Universe right here and invite the Universe to help. me. out.
I want a new career.
I want it to be creative, and fun, and growth-oriented, and educational, and altruistic, and generally just ADD to the world around me. I want to read books, and enjoy the sunshine, and be encouraged to take my vacation days. I want to make money that appropriately takes in to account my education, my work ethic, and my skills. I want to work with people who are encouraging and interesting and who challenge me to be a better person. I want to be able to challenge others to be better people too. I want to work with people who can learn from each other and who all want the same end result.
I would love to be a professional organizer – but not one of those people who tackle hoarders. I couldn’t do that. *shudder*
I would love to be an editor. Or a proofreader. Or a book reviewer.
I would love to be an event planner. Or a personal shopper. Or a writer. Or a painter. Or a professional sit-on-the-beach-and-count-grains-of-sand-er.
I want to look forward to my day and my projects and not look at the clock and think “Oh, dear goat. It’s only noon?!?!” I want to get up in the morning with the joyful anticipation of what I can bring to the table and put out into the world. And I want to go to bed each night thinking about all that I have done that day and all that I *get* to do tomorrow. (Not that I *have* to do. Big difference.)
I want to work in a place where a budget needs to be filled out once, not in 3 different place. Where status updates are given once, not 5+ times. Where EVERY. SINGLE. DECISION. does not require 5+ conference calls to make. Meetings at a table in a coffee shop? Sure!
So, Universe, what do you say? I know that there are jobs out there that fit my criteria. I know there are. If you want me to move to another state or country? I’m in. If you want me to sell my beautiful little doll house? I’ll do it. If you want me to look in certain areas? Send me a sign.
I’m ready to do this. And to do it in a big, big way.
(Also? If anyone reading this knows of something that might kinda sorta fit the bill? Let me know. It just means the Universe was waiting for me to say this out loud, so to speak.)
I don’t want to be broken any more.
My friend Chibi tagged me in a meme. I’ve never been tagged in a meme before. It felt kind of nice. *heh*
- What colour are your underwear right now?
- What’s your least favourite food?
- Does it bother you when I put extra letters in my word? Well, too bad: I’m Canadian, eh?
- How do you like your eggs?
- What book are you currently reading? Should I read it?
- Did you have an imaginary friend? What was his/her name?
- What is your guiltiest pleasure, keeping in mind I’m Prudy McPruderson, Mayor of Prudeville?
- If you could have any job in the whole wide world, what would it be?
- Do you watch Toddlers & Tiaras?
- What CD is in your CD player? (Do you still have one of those? If not, what was the last song played on your MP3 player? Should I be listening to them/her/him/it?)
- Shoes: off at the door, or wear ’em through the house?
I used to wear them through the house, but as I get older I’ve become more of a germaphobe, so off they come. *shudder*
So, 11 questions for you, if you choose to continue this:
- Do you ever tell anyone your middle name? What is it?
- What is one book you recommend to everyone?
- What’s your favorite way to spend a rainy afternoon?
- If you could live in another country, which would it be and why?
- Do you like what you do for a living?
- What is your best memory from high school?
- Would you travel back to that time if you could?
- Do you journal regularly?
- What is your opinion on flavored coffee or fruity beer?
- East coast or west coast?
- What do you do that makes you goofy-grin happy?
Your turn.
I suck at this blogging thing. Truly.
What’s been going on now? You probably don’t care. And I wouldn’t blame you. But if you are still here? LOVE YOU!
I think I told you all about my suspicions that I am bi-polar? (I’m really too lazy to go back and look.) And maybe about my conversation with K2Kid about it, when her response to “I think I might be bi-polar” was “Duh! I thought you were already being treated for that.” It really was kind of funny.
Then there was a strange tingling and numbness in my right arm and a weird pain in my left side. I’m telling you – I’m falling apart.
I went to my doctor. He scheduled an x-ray for my spine/arm and an ultrasound for my side. He also referred me to a local psychiatric practice. We decided that it was unlikely that I a bi-polar, but he would leave it up to the specialist to decide.
The ultrasound for my side didn’t turn up anything so I also got an MRI. That stuff you have to drink? Which “isn’t a laxative”? Yeah. It’s gross and it does. Enough said.
The x-ray? I have arthritis in my spine and my C5-6 and C6-7 are wearing and I have bone spurs and growths and blah blah blah. I am trying physical therapy – which includes traction – first. If that doesn’t work, the next step could be surgery. Awesome.
The therapy? I’ve been twice. The first time? He was a little shocked that I said I wanted to live-tweet the session. It’s like he doesn’t know me. The last thing he said when I was leaving was “Yeah, we have some work to do.” Again, I thought that was really funny. Because, you know. Duh.
The second session was this week. He spent a lot of time talking to me about my lack of relationships with men. What I got out of it is he thinks I need to get laid. Hmmm. Okay. I don’t necessarily disagree, and yet I don’t think having a mate is the be all and end all to happiness. And really? Where do people meet these days? Ugh. This is a whole other post.
Anyhoo. This is what’s going on. I’ll get you caught up on my job search exploits, next time. It seems like I have been all kinds of busy, but really, I have just been wading through a bunch of crap.
Here’s hoping things will look up soon.
xo
I am…
…a daughter
….a sister
…an aunt
…an adoptive mother to two furry critters
I am…
…a college graduate
…the holder of an MBA
…over-educated for the area in which I live
…employed in a job that does not excite me, nor ignite my passions
…exploring new careers
I am…
…beautiful, outside and in
…plus-sized, in so many ways
…a person who loves to laugh
…very funny
I am…
…a triathlete
…a hockey fan
…a football fan
…a kayaker
I am…
…always looking to learn
…searching for my voice
…a fiercely loyal friend
…a woman who loves hard
I am…
…a rape survivor
…an ex
…a seeker
…healing
I am…
…worth it
…someone you should know
…tremendous
…enough
After 6. Long. Months, it’s official.
I am a triathlete.
Sunday, 7/31, I participated in the local triathlon, Tri-for-a-Cure. It’s a women’s only event and all funds raised go to further breast cancer research. On Sunday, we were told that unofficial totals were that we, the participants, collected over a million dollars for breast cancer research. Go us!!
I’ve written about this before. And if you have spent any time with me at all, I have no doubt that I have driven you absolutely crazy with my stress and worry and fear of not being good enough.
Sunday started for me at 7:30. I got to the venue and set up my transition area – where we dump the swim stuff and pick up the bike for that leg. I met some women and we were all feeling a great anticipation. Those of us who were first-timers had no idea what to expect.
I picked up my timing chip – it was an ankle strap that would record my time for each stage of the race. Then I picked up my wetsuit and wandered down towards the beach for the start of the swim.
I did, though, stop by the medical station to see what was in my eye. It felt like I had a small animal in there. And of course, I kept rubbing it.
I caught sight of my brother. He came to support me and represent the family. Mum and Dad were not able to come, so Bro was there. Then my friend, the K2Kid, and her husband came to cheer me on. It was a HUGE help that they were there. Since I had signed up alone, and trained alone, it was nice to know I wasn’t alone for this day.
All the athletes made their way over to the start area for opening remarks, etc. But since we were all in our wetsuits, we were also all cooking in the sun. It was SO HOT!! The event itself didn’t start until 10am, so the sun was high and hot.
The swim portion was broken up into waves so that 1,100 women wouldn’t be plunging into the water all at once. We were all given color-coded swim caps so that we knew when we had to go. The first wave is reserved for Survivors – women who have won their battle against cancer. It was so cool to see all these incredible women who will NEVER give up. After they go, there is a 5 minute wait before the second wave went. Then, every 3 minutes after that, each consecutive wave entered the water for the 1/3 mile swim.
I was in Wave 3, so thankfully I didn’t have too long to wait. One lady beside me told me to just relax and take my time and look around for the experience of it all. So that’s what I did. When it was my turn, I walked into the ocean with 100 of my sisters, to begin. I didn’t start swimming until I knew I wouldn’t get kicked in the face. Then, I did just what my new friend told me. I took my time. I passed some people. Some people passed me. Despite having a stitch in my side from about 2 minutes in, I finished that portion with ease.
Bro was there to take my wetsuit, and give me a clean shirt. Others were sprinting up to the transition area for their bikes. I was taking it all in.
I got to transition, got my gloves and helmet and an energy snack and started out on the 15 mile bike ride. Bro and I had ridden the route once before, so it wasn’t completely foreign. I was going along pretty well – don’t get me wrong, it was HARD! But, again, I was passing some, and some were passing me. It’s all good.
The volunteers along the route were amazing – yelling encouragement and cheering. There were homeowners out along the route too, yelling encouragement. I don’t care what anyone says, that REALLY helps!
Right about mile 3-ish, I got a flat tire. GAH! I had a spare tube, sat down and started changing it, trying not to get frustrated. A race official stopped to help me and I was on my way in about 15 minutes. Great, yeah?
Jump ahead to mile 7-ish. Flat tire number 2. AYFKM?? There was another route official there, picking up a couple of women with a medical issue – they would not finish – and he stopped and helped me. This almost made me lose it. But, I just kept remembering why I was there. 20 minutes later, I’m back on the bike.
I was cruising! It felt great! I was coming up to mile 12 – almost there!! WOOHOO!!! I look down. Front tire flat. (The first 2 were the back tire). Oh. Em. Gee. WTF is going on??? I found a group fixing tires and made it to them. They fixed that, I get ready to go – Um, did you know that your back tire is flat too??? Flat tire #4. Awesome. Oh! And? At this point, I ran out of water, AND the small animal in my eye? Yeah, that was a torn contact lens, which had scratched my eyelid, thanks to all my rubbing. Let’s tally this up – so far? 4 flats and I’m down to 1 eye.
Assured that I was almost done, and that *this* tire would hold me until the end. The same guy fixed my tire twice so far, and he kept behind me making sure I was okay. Bless his heart, he offered me his water bottle, which I took gratefully! About 1/2 mile from the end of the bike…yup, you guessed it. Flat tire number 5. Even the guy fixing it couldn’t believe it. I carried the bike back to the transition area. It took me FOR. EVER. to finish the bike portion. All that time, sitting on the side of the road, counted against me.
By the time I was done with my bike, I noticed that almost everyone else was done. With everything. I still had a 5k run. I filled up my water bottle, and started out. Bro was there with an icy bottle of water, and an energy bar. Did I mention how awesome he is?? He walked with me a little way and then I got to a “non-spectator” area. I caught up with another lady – we were both walking – so we walked together.
She was from NY and had come up to participate, along with her sister and sister-in-law, in memory of their dad, who died from cancer in February. We walked almost the whole rest of the way together, just chatting. Right at the end, I jogged across the finish line.
The. Finish. Line.
My time was horrible. But that wasn’t the point, right? I, myself, raised $870 for breast cancer research, thanks to the generous support of friends and family. I set myself a goal to finish the race, and I did. And I did it all on my own.
My life will never be the same. I don’t think I can every say “I can’t do that” and really mean it. Apparently, I can do it. No matter what “it” is. I’ll stumble. I’ll end up with 5 flat tires. I will scratch my eyelid with a torn contact. And I will run out of water. And you know what? I will finish. And still be smiling.
I am a triathlete.
How old are you?
Do you feel that age?
I don’t. I’m 44 and most of the time I don’t *feel* 44. Not that I really know what I’m *supposed* to feel like. But I usually feel younger, in the sense that I imagine I have so much more time to get where other 44 year olds are. Does that make any sense?
And granted, there are many times that I feel WAY older than 44.
I don’t know, but lately, I’ve been looking around at where others are in their lives, and think: I’m 44. Shouldn’t I be married? And in a job that I don’t hate? And with money in the bank? And booking at least 1 foreign trip a year? Shouldn’t I feel more settled?
I don’t know if this is a function of my recent “search” for peace, or if I am just restless, or if I am just in vacation-mode (2 weeks vacation after Friday! YAY!)
I think I am young in mind and attitude. I think I have a childlike naivete about some things. I still make rookie mistakes in life.
But is this normal? What is normal? What should 44 feel like?
I am restless.
Fidgety.
I can’t concentrate on any one thing.
Is agitated the right word?
I’m searching.
Searching.
Searching.
And it’s just out of my reach.
What is “it”?
What is it that I am trying to find?
Achieve?
Capture?
Reach?
Will I ever get there?
Will I even know when I do?
How do I find the stillness to stop and listen?
Me again. (Well, really, who else would it be? hee)
In case you are curious about how I’m doing in Reform School, I LOVE IT. I think I’m excelling.
I have 3 Inner Mean Girls: Mean Marcy, Scaredy Kat, and Perfect Shawn. They have all been put on notice that while I value their opinions, I know what’s best for me. I need to look at the situations where they appear and figure out why. The more I do that, the stronger my resolve becomes.
I made a list of 10 things to accomplish by my 45th birthday. I don’t know that I’m ready to go public with all of them, yet, but one of them is….
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(please wait while this poster hyperventilates)
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…
(your patience is appreciated; please stand by)
…
…
Okay. I am going to train for the Tri-for-a-Cure next August. It is a mini-triathlon for breast cancer. 1/3 mi swim, 15 mi bike, 3 mi run. The run will be my biggest challenge. I have bad knees. But, I have 10 months. And there’s an app for that. the Couch to 5K app that helps you train. Before Reform School, this would have been something I would have said, Yeah, I could train for that. While sitting on the sofa. Eating Munchos. Listening to Mean Marcy and Scaredy Kat tell me that I couldn’t do it and that I would fail.
And now that I’ve gone public, I *have* to do it.
Oh, and I’ll be hitting you up for donations when the time comes. And if you follow me on Twitter, I’ll be hitting you up there, too. Maybe even Facebook.
Training starts today. I’ll keep you posted.
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