Life thru the haze of cat hair.

Category Archives: only me

In no particular order:

1. Smiling is more fun than frowning.

2. Having a good loud laugh usually makes other people smile too.

3. Only say about others that which you would say to their face.

4. Own your mistakes.

5. Don’t try to hide your mistakes; they will ALWAYS be found and you will look 100% worse for not taking responsibility.

6. Life is too short to read bad books.

7. Treat yourself to some good wine (if you partake). It will make things so much more lovely.

8. Use your good china/cutlery/glasses, etc. What are you waiting for?

9. If you don’t LOVE it, get it out of your house.

10. If you haven’t used/worn/looked at it in 6 months, get rid of it. (12 if you live in seasonal climates and swap things out).

11. Wear your good jewelry.

12. Who cares about the number on the size tag. Wear what is comfortable.

13. Dress for your age.

14. Cats are fantastic companions.

15. Don’t dwell on *how* you ended up where you are. Focus on the you, you want to become.*

16. Don’t berate yourself for not being great at something. You are great at something else.

17. Dogs? Also fantastic companions.

18. Friends *can* be made through social media.

20. Popcorn for supper is acceptable.

21. Eat more green things.

22. Brussels Sprouts are not green balls of hell. They are quite delicious.

23. Chia seeds *can* be eaten.

24. Ask for help.

25. Approach stressful situations from a position of love. It will change your outlook completely.

26. Approach ALL situations from a position of love. See above.

27. Sports are better when seen live.

28. 9 pounds of cat can feel like 90, when you have to pee.

29. Candles make things lovely.

30. Foreign films tend to have better plots.

31. A movie made from a book will more than likely disappoint.

32. Some things should just not get remade.

33. It seems that there are few truly NEW ideas.

34. Celebrities are really not that interesting.

35. Taking the time to learn about a foreign co-worker’s country of origin benefits the relationship immensely.

36. There IS life after cable TV.

37. Kindness really *does* go a long way.

38. So does patience.

39. You are so much more than the work you do.

40. Wait at least an  hour before responding to an infuriating email/phone call, etc. Longer than that, if you can.

41. Taking care of YOU is a gift, not a sin.

42. Fewer people than you imagine are paying attention to you right now.

43. A song – a single song – can change your mood completely.

44. One really can have too many wallets.

45. I’m pretty great.

 

*Someone recently said this to me. The more time I spend thinking about it, the more sense it makes.

 

 

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As I was thinking about this post, it sounded somewhat familiar to me. I may have written something like this before; I don’t know. I started looking back through old posts, but whatever. If you’ve seen this before, feel free to move along.

*****

I think the time has finally come to face reality.

The Gas ‘n Sip has won. I have lost.

They have won the war. They have successfully beaten me down to the breaking point, and beyond.

I’m officially waving the white flag, crying “Uncle” and I’m ready to sign peace treaties.

I just cannot do this. Anymore.

If you know me at all, you know that I like to laugh – even while at work. I think it’s important to have fun at what you are doing. But at the same time, I would describe myself as being incredibly conscientious and motivated to do a good job. I *want* things to go well. I *want* projects to succeed. If I’m researching a new Slurpee flavor, I want to make sure that what I provide reflects the care and thought that went in to making that available. I get extraordinarily frustrated when others don’t have the same drive. Or when, just before I put up the “New Flavor” sign, they throw in some sort of curve ball to change, delay, or otherwise screw up what I have worked so hard on.

I will fight and stand up for my opinions, but at some point it’s better to just agree.

Before I went on vacation, I was a colossal bitch. I know I was. And I was looking forward to the week off to sort of smooth some ruffled feathers and come back ready to go.

And then I came back.

Within 4 hours of my return? I had cried twice.

The Zen place I had been when I walked through the door? Gone.

The knots in my shoulders were back. My upset stomach was back. My exhaustion and all around ill-humor were both back.

In the week I was gone, my new Slurpee flavor project fell apart. The players had changed. The focus had changed. And once again, every conversation became a battle. Instead of working together to resolve, there was a huge amount of time spent on finger-pointing. Blaming. There may as well have been hair-pulling. It was just that bad. Something I submitted *3 WEEKS AGO* to make the new flavor a particular shade of red WAS STILL SITTING THERE, and yet somehow, it is my fault that the request is not done yet.

And while there is some benefit on looking back to what we could have done differently, addressing the problem at hand and moving past it seems to me to be a better course of action. I’m just spit-balling here, so who knows.

So this morning, after yet another round of “You suck. You screwed up. We can’t release this on time because you did/didn’t/should have/shouldn’t have…”, I am officially, but not irreparably, broken.

I’m 45 years old (tomorrow). (Yes, happy birthday to ME!) 🙂

I cannot work another 20+ years in this state of mind. I just cannot do it.

With that in mind, and to quote Mike Dooley, thoughts become things. I am going to put my request out to the Universe right here and invite the Universe to help. me. out.

I want a new career.

I want it to be creative, and fun, and growth-oriented, and educational, and altruistic, and generally just ADD to the world around me. I want to read books, and enjoy the sunshine, and be encouraged to take my vacation days. I want to make money that appropriately takes in to account my education, my work ethic, and my skills. I want to work with people who are encouraging and interesting and who challenge me to be a better person. I want to be able to challenge others to be better people too. I want to work with people who can learn from each other and who all want the same end result.

I would love to be a professional organizer – but not one of those people who tackle hoarders. I couldn’t do that. *shudder*

I would love to be an editor. Or a proofreader. Or a book reviewer.

I would love to be an event planner. Or a personal shopper. Or a writer. Or a painter. Or a professional sit-on-the-beach-and-count-grains-of-sand-er.

I want to look forward to my day and my projects and not look at the clock and think “Oh, dear goat. It’s only noon?!?!” I want to get up in the morning with the joyful anticipation of what I can bring to the table and put out into the world. And I want to go to bed each night thinking about all that I have done that day and all that I *get* to do tomorrow. (Not that I *have* to do. Big difference.)

I want to work in a place where a budget needs to be filled out once, not in 3 different place. Where status updates are given once, not 5+ times. Where EVERY. SINGLE. DECISION. does not require 5+ conference calls to make. Meetings at a table in a coffee shop? Sure!

So, Universe, what do you say? I know that there are jobs out there that fit my criteria. I know there are. If you want me to move to another state or country? I’m in. If you want me to sell my beautiful little doll house? I’ll do it. If you want me to look in certain areas? Send me a sign.

I’m ready to do this. And to do it in a big, big way.

(Also? If anyone reading this knows of something that might kinda sorta fit the bill? Let me know. It just means the Universe was waiting for me to say this out loud, so to speak.)

I don’t want to be broken any more.


One thing I’ve never had is a charm bracelet. I find them fascinating. Each piece telling a story about the person – where they’ve been, who they’ve loved.

When my niece was born, I started a charm bracelet for her. For the first 10 years, I kept it to myself. I tried to find charms reflective of what she was into that particular year. On her 10th birthday, I gave it to her. And now every year I send her another charm. Honestly, I don’t even know if she still has it. I’d like to think she does and that she appreciates it.

The past few years have sucked been less than optimal, I think, for many people. So last year, I decided I needed a reminder of good things – affirmations, if you will.

I decided to make myself a charm bracelet.

However, there are some drawbacks with charm bracelets. They can be very jingly, which some people at the Gas ‘n Sip would find annoying. (I know I shouldn’t care about that, but there you go.) Also, by being jingly, they can prompt questions from random people; people who don’t need to know what’s going on in my life. People who don’t care, really, about what I’m trying to say with my charms.

So instead, I bought myself a 24″ sterling silver necklace. It’s long enough that it hangs near my heart, and it stays tucked into my shirt, so no one else needs to know it’s there. Also? No jingle. Ergo? No questions. Now if I’m playing with it or someone sees it, and they ask questions, I can tuck it back in, out of sight. Or I can answer questions if I choose.

Why am I telling you this now? Excellent question. I’m telling you now because I am using this now, not so much as a chain of affirmations, but more of a reminder of the journey. Does that make sense?  It’s much less a tangible life raft, and more of a comfortable friend. I don’t need it to be a secret anymore.

So. Do you want to see it?

 

Fabulous, right? Now, would you like to know what they are?

Okay. Since you’ve asked nicely. And really, more that despite WEEKS or MONTHS of no activity, you still keep coming back. (What is wrong with you? *snort*)

I’ll start from the right, because they have been around the longest.

(OMGoat. Why am I nervous??)

The Beginning

The first 3 disks go together. They say Fear, Less, Ness.  Sometime ago I wrote a post that I wanted to get that in a tattoo. But who knows what I called it. I looked for the link but can’t find it. I bought the disks from someone on Etsy. I would totally post links to the store (well, stores really, because a few of these are from Etsy) but again. My organization leaves a lot to be desired.

Anyhoo. Fearlessness is a term I love. And aspire too. I found it on Mariska Hargitay’s Joyful Heart site. She sells one there that is gorgeous (and you can see her wearing it every week on her show) but last time I looked it was $450. Love the sentiment. Don’t love the price.

The next is a heart. It’s to remind me to keep my heart open.

You can’t really see the little clear crystal thing I have. It’s my faux diamond. Because I deserve diamonds.

And the last in this grouping is for courage. Similar to fearlessness. But it’s a reminder to step out of my comfort zone more often. I tend to limit my risks. About this time last year, I broke my comfort zone by signing up for a triathlon.

Next group:

The Year Continues

From right to left: “Follow Your Bliss”, a faux topaz, “I Am Enough” and a little prayer box.

Follow your bliss is something I got at Etsy also. We all need to do this. Listen to your heart. It knows what is right. Also, don’t get trapped in doing what other people want you to do, what will make them happy. Follow your own path.

The topaz is my mother’s birthstone. I have written about her a lot. She is my hero.

I am enough. How many of you can say that, on a regular basis, with conviction? I got this from Tracey Clark’s wonderful blog. There hasn’t been an updated post there in a while, but the message is still true. Have you had your breakthrough moment yet? That moment where you have the epiphany that yes, you are enough?

The last one in this group is a little prayer box. It opens up, so you can put a prayer/wish/plea out to the universe. Once it is out there, the universe begins to conspire to make it happen. I change out my little slips of paper about once a month.

And finally:

Last, but not least. And I'm not done yet.

 This group shows a little disco ball, a butterfly, a breast cancer ribbon (with a little rubber ring) and an owl.

The disco ball is just a reminder to have fun. Dance when I feel like it. Listen to music that makes me happy.

I think the butterfly is pretty self-explanatory. I know that I am working towards becoming something more beautiful than what I started with. And I don’t mean just physically. I know I am becoming a nicer person. I can feel it. The outward appearance is just window dressing.

The breast cancer ribbon? I gave that to myself after I completed the triathlon. It wasn’t pretty, but that wasn’t my goal. I finished – and was seen in public in a wetsuit – and I am still pretty damn proud of that. The little rubber ring came with the ribbon. I like to think of that as the life-saving ring that I might have needed during the swim portion. 8^D

And finally, the owl. Debra got me started with the owls. (Turns out, owls are the new *it* girl). Everyone loves owls now. But for me? Debra reminded me that I am wise, and that inside me is the wisdom I need to succeed. Plus? It’s sparkly.

So that’s my charm necklace. I didn’t buy all the charms at once. I buy a new one when I see something that strikes me. I don’t think the owl will be the last one either. Just as I’m not done improving, my necklace needs to reflect that.  The first charms – Fear, Less, Ness – are looking pretty beat up and worse for wear. But they’ve been with me the longest. The owl? Still pretty new.

There is your glimpse into my life. I don’t let it show often. But Courage, right? If I don’t show it, I won’t have new experiences. And that’s what life is for.


This morning, I was skulking around on the Interwebz, looking for new and lovely blogs to add to my readers. I have several now, but as my tastes change, as my interests change, as *I* change, the blogs I like change too.

Anyhoo, when I looked at the “suggested sites” that were listed on my reader, I noticed that there were several “bundles” available. A bundle is sort of a folder of blogs, grouped together by theme or category. Well, now, that is wonderful! So much easier for me!! There seems to be a bundle for every interest – news, sports, computers, gaming, writing – you name it. How cool is that?

Then I see a bundle called “Beauty”. Awesome!!

Only…no.

The blogs in this bundle included references to high-end clothing stores, expensive make-up brands, how to find the best shade lipstick, etc.  So, that means that only by making the packaging “pretty” can one be considered beautiful, right?

I am not so enlightened that I eschew make-up or nice clothes. I like how mascara makes my eye-lashes look. And I would be delighted to find that one perfect shade of lipstick. Maybe it’s societal pressure; maybe I’m just crazy vain.

However.

I don’t consider the wrapping an indicator of beauty. To me, beauty goes beyond me and what label is on my clothing. It goes to helping clean up the environment. Or to helping other people. Or smiling at someone. Or lending a hand/ear/shoulder to a friend in need. Or even saying “Good morning” on Twitter everyday without getting a response.

Beauty is teaching others how to live a more peaceful life, or to eliminate clutter, or to walk through this life gently, or making people laugh, by pointing out life’s absurdity.

Maybe this is a function of my getting older. Or more cynical. I know that I bought into advertisers’ ideas for fashion and beauty back in the day. How can a young person NOT succumb to the constant mental and visual barrage?

I like my idea of beauty better. I like to see a smile. Or to see the silver lining in a bad situation.

My idea of beauty doesn’t match up with Google Reader bundles. And maybe not yours either.

When  you think “beauty”, what comes to your mind?

(Also, if you have any recommendations for yummy blogs, please let me know.)


I suck at this blogging thing. Truly.

What’s been going on now? You probably don’t care. And I wouldn’t blame you. But if you are still here? LOVE YOU!

I think I told you all about my suspicions that I am bi-polar? (I’m really too lazy to go back and look.) And maybe about my conversation with K2Kid about it, when her response to “I think I might be bi-polar” was “Duh! I thought you were already being treated for that.” It really was kind of funny.

Then there was a strange tingling and numbness in my right arm and a weird pain in my left side. I’m telling you – I’m falling apart.

I went to my doctor. He scheduled an x-ray for my spine/arm and an ultrasound for my side. He also referred me to a local psychiatric practice. We decided that it was unlikely that I a bi-polar, but he would leave it up to the specialist to decide.

The ultrasound for my side didn’t turn up anything so I also got an MRI. That stuff you have to drink? Which “isn’t a laxative”? Yeah. It’s gross and it does. Enough said.

The x-ray? I have arthritis in my spine and my C5-6 and C6-7 are wearing and I have bone spurs and growths and blah blah blah. I am trying physical therapy – which includes traction – first. If that doesn’t work, the next step could be surgery. Awesome.

The therapy? I’ve been twice. The first time? He was a little shocked that I said I wanted to live-tweet the session. It’s like he doesn’t know me. The last thing he said when I was leaving was “Yeah, we have some work to do.” Again, I thought that was really funny. Because, you know. Duh.

The second session was this week. He spent a lot of time talking to me about my lack of relationships with men. What I got out of it is he thinks I need to get laid. Hmmm. Okay. I don’t necessarily disagree, and yet I don’t think having a mate is the be all and end all to happiness. And really? Where do people meet these days? Ugh. This is a whole other post.

Anyhoo. This is what’s going on. I’ll get you caught up on my job search exploits, next time. It seems like I have been all kinds of busy, but really, I have just been wading through a bunch of crap.

Here’s hoping things will look up soon.

xo


I’ve read that if something bugs you, you need to either write about it or talk about it – just get it out, or it will eat at you. So here goes….

People. Not *all* people, of course. But the ones who walk around completely oblivious to the world around them. You know who I mean – they cut you off in a store without a second thought; they park their shopping cart randomly in the middle of an aisle and ignore your attempts to get around them; they stay on their cell phone at the checkout line.

What in the world has happened to common courtesy?? I have even tried to act like these people. I was mortified for myself. The total disregard for anyone around me made me feel like I was the biggest jerk. Ever.

Lately, when I go to Target – a magical place where nothing bad ever happens – I leave thinking “I need to not be out among people”.  I find myself less and less tolerant of this type of behavior. Thank goat for online shopping.

*****

Commercials. When did we, as a culture, become so stupid? 98% of the ads I see on television make me cringe. Apparently, ad companies think it is okay to treat consumers as if they have the collective IQ of a dandelion. Cartoon bears to sell toilet paper? Cartoons to sell car insurance? Cartoons to sell *anything* to adults?? I get it if they are using cartoons to sell to kids. (I don’t know that it’s appropriate, but I get it.) But to adults? Really?

And restaurants who show how big their portions are? Do we *really* need a 2 pound calzone? Or tacos the size of a loaf of bread? How about we just get a real portion and pay less?

******

As-seen-on-TV-products. Don’t get me wrong – I love me some info-mercials and shopping TV. I am a WEN girl because of the info-mercial. And I got my ped-egg from seeing an info-mercial.

But have you seen some of the other things that are being hawked? The plastic egg cooker things that make it “so much easier” to make hard-boiled eggs? The premise is that peeling hard-boiled eggs is *really* hard. And takes forever. Really? Is that a huge problem of which I am not aware?

And the bags that save  you space? On one hand, I do get that. But the ad shows a closet where everything is stuffed in and it seems that they have 4,319 comforters and 80 pairs of pants and 24,941 sweaters. Perhaps the problem isn’t that you don’t have room. Maybe you just HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF!! I’m just spit-balling here.

******

Blogs that require a verification every time you comment. I don’t like spam any more than anyone else, but if I comment on a blog frequently enough, I should be “approved” to comment. OR if you don’t like what I comment, delete it.

******

There are so many more things. I’ll complain more, I’m sure. But I needed to get that stuff off my chest.

If any of the above hits a nerve with you, I’m sorry. I am fully aware that I bug people. All. The. Time. And I’m sorry for that too.

 


I am restless.

Fidgety.

I can’t concentrate on any one thing.

Is agitated the right word?

I’m searching.

Searching.

Searching.

And it’s just out of my reach.

What is “it”?

What is it that I am trying to find?

Achieve?

Capture?

Reach?

Will I ever get there?

Will I even know when I do?

How do I find the stillness to stop and listen?