Yesterday’s blog didn’t get published at my request. I wrote it and asked MagandMoo not to post it because I am not ready to share that part of me.
Today’s blog, however, is easier for me to share.
I forgive my father. He chose to not be a part of my life as a child or as an adult. He chose not to be a part of my childrens’ lives. He chose to live his life isolated from his family.
He died on October 31, 2009 from a 5 year battle with prostate cancer. I knew he was sick because he called me when he was diagnosed. And then he called me when he was dying. He wanted me to absolve his guilt. I allowed him to die in peace because I forgave him for his choices a long time ago.
Oh, hello! Come in and have some tea and yogurt. It’s the yummy Greek kind.
So… something I forgive someone else for….
I bet you think I am going to write about Mr. F*ck Off, from yesterday. Nah, that’s too easy. I’ve forgiven that long ago.
No, this is bigger. Today, I am going to forgive the boy who took my innocence. The boy, for he was only 15 to my 16, who, after a “date” at a movie, didn’t listen when I said NO. Over and over, I said NO. And yet he kept on until he was done. The boy who didn’t give me the option of losing my virginity to someone lovely. The boy who instead took it from me without my permission in the front seat of a Chevy Malibu.
That event lost me “friends” who didn’t believe me when I told them what he did. It eroded my self-worth as I thought that was how I deserved to be treated. It led me to make decisions that I wouldn’t have otherwise made. And while I can’t regret the things I have done as the result of that event, since they made me who I am now, I can wonder how things might be different for me now.
And so, Mike, I forgive you for raping me. I forgive you for changing the course of my life. But I have spent way too much time and energy on thinking of you and then and it. You are being evicted. I will never forget what happened, but it’s been almost 28 years now. This baggage is heavy and I’m not going to carry it anymore. I said NO then and you didn’t listen. I’m saying NO MORE now and you don’t have a choice.
Tomorrow: something you hope to do in your life
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