Life thru the haze of cat hair.

Tag Archives: wondering

I am restless.

Fidgety.

I can’t concentrate on any one thing.

Is agitated the right word?

I’m searching.

Searching.

Searching.

And it’s just out of my reach.

What is “it”?

What is it that I am trying to find?

Achieve?

Capture?

Reach?

Will I ever get there?

Will I even know when I do?

How do I find the stillness to stop and listen?


I signed in here yesterday with every intention of shutting this blog down. Clearly I haven’t been writing anything. And when I try to write something, it just sounds to me trite and self-absorbed. And since I don’t imagine anyone else would want to read that, I thought it would be best to just say good-bye, shut it down, and move on.

When 2011 started, I was in a really good place. I wasn’t eating processed sugar. I was eating mostly unprocessed, “real” food, I was journaling every day, I had a morning ritual, and I was setting exercise goals that scared the bejeezus out of me. And for the first time since I could remember, I was able to say “I’m happy” and really mean it. Even work didn’t suck.

As the year has progressed, all of those things have, one-by-one, slowly fallen by the wayside. I feel as if I have let myself fall back to a yucky place.  I have let myself fall. I have let myself down. Again.

Yes, I did it before, and I can get back up and start again. But right now, it just seems like so. much. work. Getting back to that place seems so hard; so far away.

So, yesterday, signing in to shut this down seemed like a good idea, initially. Then when I got here, it just seemed like one more thing that I would let go. One more step down the path, going the wrong way. I also read another blog post about why one “should” blog, with really well thought out reasons. I decided that was fate. Someone or something was telling me to hang on for a little while longer.

And here we are. A new blog post – such that it is. A shimmer of something that is telling me to not give up. To start journaling again. To change my mind again.

It still feels like I have so far to travel back to where I started the year, but also, I don’t feel like I can give up. Again. I liked being happy. I liked feeling “lighter”.

Thank you for stopping by and for not giving up on me. There hasn’t been much to see around here, I know. So, thank you. I appreciate it.


Oh, hello! Come in and have a glass of wine. The non-alcoholic kind is to the right.

So, a week or so ago, K2Kid sent me a link to an article about this.  The challenge? Pick 6 items of clothing and wear only those for 1 month.

Since then, I have heard and read a lot about it. There are other blogs about it and news programs are talking about it. I guess I am falling in line to write about it too.

K2Kid said she wanted to try it. I was originally kind of excited about it too. What to pick? What accessories to pick? I think it would be kind of fun. While the creators of this challenge don’t necessarily discuss their philosophy, I have the belief that it’s to demonstrate that no one else really cares what you wear, so why put so much thought, energy, and money into your wardrobe. In the grand scheme of things, it’s your own fabulousness that draws people to you, not your clothes. Apparently.

I get that. I really do. However, the more I think about it, the more I think that I don’t really dress for others. I *like* wearing pretty things. It makes *me* feel good. I feel more confident if I have on something I consider pretty or classy. Except for 1 pair of shoes, I don’t really care if anyone else like what I have on. And since I have now debuted those shoes to the world, I don’t think those are that big of a deal anymore, either.

Additionally, early this year, I declared that this was the year I was going to embrace my girly-ness. I don’t think I am manly, but I wanted to wear more dresses, skirts, high-heels, etc. And if I am supposed to pick only 6 items, how can I be girly? K2Kid thought I would have it easier with the dresses, but I don’t know that it’s true. Fewer mix-n-match options, you know?

All that said, I think I am going to give it a try in August. I think I know which 6 items I will pick. And I’m confident that I can do it.  I’ll keep you posted on my success.

What about you? Could you pick 6 or less and make it through a month?


Oh, hello! Grab a yogurt. We’re going to watch the Burn Notice I have on DVR.

I need an opinion, please. Because I’ve been trying something new, and I get strange reactions and I don’t know if I should continue.

We all like to think we are fabulous, right? Usually, we take time in the morning to make sure our hair/face/clothes look nice/clean/put together. Maybe not on weekends, but generally speaking, when we present ourselves to the world, we do it with our best face forward.

Amirite?

So, in the interest of spreading happy in my immediate world, I have started telling people that they look nice or whatever. I mean, I don’t chase some stranger down in the aisle at the grocery store. Because, well, that would probably get me arrested. But if I have an interaction with someone, I’ll point out that I like their outfit or whatever.

The reactions I have been getting, though, have shocked me. I would say that a majority of people look at me as if I am crazy. Or that I’m mocking them. Or just generally have a negative reaction. I don’t get that. If someone came to me and said “You are fabulous!” I would probably blush, giggle, say thank you, and want to hug them.

So, their reactions are very confusing to me. And this is where I need an opinion. Should I just think that they are fabulous, but keep my mouth shut? Should I just be swept along with the current of “there is so much negativity in the world, just go with it” mentality? That makes me sad.

Someone told me last week that she thinks I always dress so nicely. That comment stayed with me all day. It made me smile. Why don’t more people want that feeling?

What would you do?


Oh, hello! Come in and have coffee and a sticky bun.

Sorry for the title. I may have been channeling Brigit Jones…

I say that this is more for the single folks than for people who have a partner, but perhaps it’s just because that is the perspective from which I am writing. IDK. You can judge for yourself.

Most of the time, I consider myself self-sufficient. I guess I have to be, since there isn’t anyone there to do “it” for me. I am responsible for my bills, for my house, and the maintenance of that house, my cats and their upkeep, and on and on. And most of the time, I am fine with that. I have to be, of course, but it really is true.

Then there are other times… I get sick to death of cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, shovelling the snow, doing laundry, etc. But, in my case, there is no one there to pick up the slack for me. This is where the smug marrieds have an advantage. They can look at their partner and ask/beg/nag for help, and there is a probability that the partner will do it, even if it’s not done the way they would want.

But, here is where I feel I need to clarify. I *know* that being part of a couple does not mean that each member of the pair is not self-sufficient. They are (usually).

I’m not saying this very well. But in my usual mode of just putting things out there without spending too much time picking nits, here it is.

My theory is that it is harder for singletons to ask for help than it is for the smug marrieds. And why do I think that? Because I live it. Every. Damn. Day. My feeling is that when I ask someone for help, it becomes another item on their “To Do” list. The people I could ask for help have their own lives and problems and chores and bills. And while that is also true of coupledom, at least the person you might ask for help ALSO has a vested interest in your happiness. They aren’t solely responsible for it, of course, but they see you every day and want what you want. Hopefully.

So, when is it okay to ask for help? I’ve never been clear on when it is appropriate. There have been times in the winter, when I’m out moving snow, that I have just said F*CK IT, and flagged down a passing truck with a plow and begged them to clear my driveway. But then, I am throwing money at them, so it is win-win.

Overall, I suck at asking for help. I get frustrated, then overwhelmed, then turn into a sobbing mess, and come out the other side a little bruised, but moving forward anyway. I could maybe avoid all that by asking for help sooner, but how do I ask without it being an imposition? Without becoming a nuisance? Without appearing weak? Without feeling indebted?

What do *you* do? Do you ask for help? How did you learn to do it or is it something that comes naturally?

Help!


Oh, hello! Come in for some cornbread. It’s still warm.

Anyone who talks to me knows that I love me some Twitter. I spend way too much time on it and tweet about anything. Well, maybe not anything. I don’t reveal anything about farting or pooping or my (lack of) sex life.  I think Twitter is fun and a good distraction.

What I don’t like, and has really been irritating me lately, is when other Tweeters bitch/moan/complain about, or generally belittle their parents/spouse/kids. I get that there are frustrations and people need a place to vent. But I don’t know if Twitter is an appropriate forum for that. In my opinion, talking about people you love in that way, in such a public forum, shows an enormous lack of respect, both for them and for yourself.  Actually, talking about them in that manner in any forum is disrespectful.  I can see venting to your friends when necessary. We need to be able to release frustrations, but some of what I’ve seen on Twitter is beyond venting. It makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Also what I’ve seen is people tweeting about REALLY intimate things. Beyond farting and pooping. (Hee… “pooping” is a funny word!) I don’t know that I need or want to hear about your sex lives and who (or what) you are hooking up with or anything else along those lines. Again, I think there is a time and a place for that, and a public forum like Twitter, in my opinion, isn’t it.

And finally, the cussing! Don’t get me wrong – I can and do cuss with the best of them. I’m not necessarily proud of that, and I’m conscious of it, but that’s what it is. I also try to be aware of my audience. If I don’t know how people feel about swearing, I try to keep my mouth in check. People on Twitter? Not so much. And if it offends even me? It’s got to be pretty extreme.

So, given all this, you are probably asking: If you don’t like all this stuff about Twitter, why the heck do you stay on it? Well, the above “irritants” don’t happen all the time. And the people who post the things that irritate me don’t post things like that all the time. Much of the time these tweeters are funny and clever and nice.

What’s a girl to do? Do I give up Twitter to avoid this type of tweet? Do I unfollow them to avoid seeing them? What is the protocol? If I unfollow them, they will reciprocate. Do I care? Do I just accept that people talk badly about people they love and ignore it? Do I only read the tweets that mention me? Do I point out to them when it happens?

What would you do? What have you done? How do you handle these situations? What is the appropriate Twitter etiquette? I’d love to hear your ideas.


Oh, hello! Come on in and have a whoopie pie. NOM NOM

I often find myself alone. I think it’s how I roll. And I like to tell myself that it’s ok. I’m ok with that.

But then I read other peoples’ blogs and see how introspective they are and how they face their “stuff” and move through it and come out stronger and, well, better than they were. And true to form, I start thinking about how I spend my time alone.

I don’t know if I can just sit. Just sit and be with myself. Not for very long anyway. I have to be doing something. Reading. Watching television. (Or at least have the TV on in the background.) Tooling around on the interwebs. Listening to the radio. Just anything.

Often, I find myself wishing to quiet the noise in my head. Just to ssshhhhhh. But I can’t seem to do it. I’ve tried meditating. I can last about 31 seconds. I’ve tried turning everything off and just hearing… nothing. But then I think of all the things I “have” to do.

So, what *is* that? What is it in my head that I am afraid to face? Why can I not turn off the television instead of watching repeats of shows I’ve seen 13 times at least? Why, if I do turn off the TV, do I immediately pick up a book? Why, when I finish said book, I *immediately* pick up another one, without allowing myself to let the first one settle? Why am I afraid?

Why am I afraid to look too closely? What happened that I can’t, or won’t, face? What if there is nothing that I am not facing? What if I am just so vapid that I don’t actually have deep thoughts or a hidden past? What if I actually run out of questions to ask or my question mark key breaks? (Just seeing if you are still reading…)

I don’t know the answer. I certainly won’t come up with it now, while I have TweetDeck on in the other tab, the hockey game on the television and my brother texting me updates from another hockey game. Maybe I’ll be able to spend some time this coming weekend cogitating on my dilemma. I just know that I don’t want to live my life afraid. If something is holding me back, I want to face it and to get all the great things that are coming to me. Life is full of wonder – I just don’t want to be full of wonder about myself.


Oh, hello! Come in, have some coffee. The muffins are almost done.

Before I start, I would like to welcome 2 new readers: Hawk Eye and Foible Gal. I know they are new, because they commented. There may have been others, but without comments, I would have no idea. Foible Gal also has a blog that you can find here. So, a big Mag and Moo welcome to you both.

Now. On with the whining:

I found out that someone here at the Gas ‘n Sip got engaged over the weekend. He and I work in the same area, and Soon-to-be Mrs also works here, but in a different area. They’ve had some ups and downs in the relationship recently, but it seems that has all been worked out and now… onward to wedded bliss. (And yes, he went to Jared. *heh*) I wish the absolute best to both of them. They deserve every happiness.

A day later, I also found out that another friend of mine is now in a serious relationship with “an incredible guy”. She has also been through some ups and downs with previous relationships and has been treated very badly in some of them. She also recently lost a loved one, so it’s time she got some good ju-ju going in her life. Turns out, Mr. Incredible Guy helped her through her recent loss, and they talk all the time, despite not living especially close to each other. She sounds so happy! I don’t know him very well, but if he really treats her the way she describes? Then I am thrilled for them too. I like to see happy couples.

Things like this is why Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday. (That’s a whole other post…)

So, what am I whining about this time?? Good things are happening, and yet I whine. (It’s a gift. Seriously.)

I posed a question to my friend Debra the other day: Is it possible to truly be happy for other peoples’ joy while being a little bit jealous? Can a person hold 2 opposing thoughts in their brain and have them both be true? Or am I just incredibly self-absorbed and need to make it all about me again?

I Googled that question (the 2 opposing thoughts one, not the “Am I self-absorbed” one) and found: intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” by Fitzgerald, along with almost 7 million other options for answers. 

I would like to believe that while, yes, I possess a certain level of self-absorption, I am not SO far gone that I need to make it all about me. I know that, yes, I really am happy for both of these couples and I really do want them to succeed in remaining as happy as they are right now. But also, yes, I am a little jealous and would like to feel some of that new love giddiness and long-term commitment security in my own life.

So, what do you think? Tell me if you have ever thought 2 things that were opposing, at the same time. What were they? Did you question your sanity? (That probably just happens to me… never mind.) I’m curious how others handle this phenomenon.


Oh, hello! Come in. Have some mac and cheese. It’s good comfort food.

There is a woman at work who intimidates me greatly. Or is it greatly intimidates me? See! I’m doubting my grammar now!!!

This woman, Sheba, is tall and thin while I am neither. She is really REALLY smart. But I think I am, too. She’s extraordinary at her job, but she has been here for more than 10 years. There are days when I think I am good at my job, but others when I think “How have I fooled people for so long and when am I going to be found out for the fraud that I am?”

Today is one of the latter days. Probably because I spent the morning in a meeting with Sheba and, predictably, came out of said meeting feeling like I should probably hang up my heels and go work at a real Gas ‘n Sip. It wasn’t pretty. I wanted to cry.

I spend a lot of time wallowing in self-doubt. I have no idea when this phenomenon started or what the cause of it is but I do know that going through life feeling like the dumbest woman on the planet is not working for me. (I think a strong contender for that title would be the woman who is trying to eat her way into being the fattest woman ever. I’m told you can actually go online and watch her eat. Um. Gross.) (But I digress.)

The reality is that I know that I am *not* stupid. I don’t know if I’m MENSA smart, but I do okay. I know that I am capable of many things. I also know that I am smarter than a lot of people I work with. Or maybe it’s better to say that I’m better at some things than they are and vice versa. So when self-doubt comes knocking, why can’t I just tell it that I’m not interested in hearing what it has to say today and wish it well? Why do I allow myself to get knocked down? Why is it SO easy to believe the bad stuff and SO difficult to believe the best?

Of course, true to form, I will now spend several days hours over-analyzing things to find out what is going on, only to not come up with anything or to get distracted and put it off until the next time. I would be willing to bet that most people feel like this at some point or another. But I wonder if I am different and feel this way more frequently than others. Is there any way to know?

I think I would like to be one of those women you see out who look like they have it all together – they look polished, they walk proudly and with a purpose, they have the “perfect” partner/job/car/home/life. But, in the same breath, I wonder if “she” really exists anywhere? No one has a perfect anything. I know that. And maybe “she” just has a huge wall or facade up that is masking her personal heartbreak. But, having the confidence to project that “I’m awesome, always” attitude, however briefly, would be kinda fun. I think.

Or maybe it would just be exhausting, and I should nap instead.


Oh, hello! Come on in. You are just in time for lunch. We’re having mini-pizzas today. And root-beer.

In my never-ending quest to become a better human (as opposed to a better chinchilla, I guess) I have read a lot of “how-to” books. I am neither proud, nor ashamed, to admit that fact. It just is. Perhaps by seeing what worked for someone else, I might get ideas about how best to accomplish this feat. I know that there is no quick-fix to reach nirvana, and no one path works for everyone, but perhaps some combination of everyone’s ideas will help me.

One message that seems to be consistent throughout everything I have seen is to “put it out there”. Which I take to mean that what you put out into the universe as what you want, is what you will get. So if I put out there that I will be an asshat to everyone around me, everyone will be an asshat TO me in return. Or, if I want a million dollars, I put it out there, and I will get it. Somehow.  Either way I’m not sure how valid this theory is, but I thought I would give it a try.

(The other thing that prompted this post is that I am reading, yet again, Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love in preparation for her newest book Committed. I love her writing and find her to be very soothing. And despite the fact that they are making a movie of her EPL book, and have effectively ruined it by casting Julia Roberts as the lead, I still love the book. )

So, I am going to put some of my less personal wants out there and see what happens. There are some, not listed here, that are just too personal, too intimate, that I will put out there in another manner. (In other words, MYOB. Although, since I started this, it’s not really MYOB since I’m making it your business. But – – I’m all confused now. Never mind.)

  • I want to learn to speak French. I think it is a lovely language, and would love to be able to speak it.
  • I want to have enough money so that I don’t have to worry, constantly, about it. I don’t need 300 million dollars (but I wouldn’t say no to it!) but, enough to be comfortable and worry free would be delightful.
  • I want a new job. I want to have a job that excites me, that fulfills me, that I can feel like I am making a difference in this world. It would be creative and challenging and allow me to continue to learn and grow as a person. I am convinced that jobs like this exist. And I’m going to find one.
  • I want to be fit and healthy. I want some form of exercise to be a part of my every day life. I want it to be a matter of course, rather than a matter of note.
  • I want to limit the food I eat to that which is fresh, healthy, and as close to its original state as possible. Limiting processed food will allow me to reach goal #4 above, and provided goal #2 above comes to fruition I can do this.
  • I want a string of pearls.
  • I want to be a writer.

That’s the start of my list. I think this is vastly different from my bucket list and yet both lists are important.

So, there it is Universe! I want these things. I don’t care how I get them – I’ll leave that up to you – but I *do* want them. So, bring it on. And, the sooner the better. kthxbai.