Oh, hello! Have a Skinny Cow ice cream cone. Yummy!
This may be a stream of consciousness type post. But I’m serious. Stop reading.
I am completely sick of myself. Have you ever gotten to that point? (You can’t answer, because you stopped reading up there when I recommended it.) Judas priest. It seems like there should be more. A better job. Less fear. More confidence – in myself, my abilities, my life. More… Just more.
And despite how much time I spend thinking about how to make that happen, or reading about how to make that happen, or wishing to make that happen, it seems that all end up doing is whining about it more. It’s like I’m sick of where I am but afraid to move on or try for more. So then it becomes my fault for not doing something, and then OH MY GOD! JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!
I want to be thin. I want to write. I want to be in a happy relationship. I want I want I want. Well, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! STOP TALKING ABOUT IT AND JUST START.
Why is it so hard for me (or, I suspect, many people) to make changes – positive changes – in my life? Is it fear only? Fear of the unknown? Fear of leaving what is comfortable?
I mean, really. What is the worst thing that can happen? I fail? I don’t lose weight? I send out a resume and don’t hear back? SO WHAT! That doesn’t make me a bad person. At least I could say I tried.
I am so sick of being afraid. And I’m so sick of saying this over and over. And I’m so sick of wallowing in my own uncertainty. And I’m so sick of myself right now. UGH.
I need to shake this off. I need to move past this. I don’t know if putting it out here will help. God knows, I haven’t put good use to any of the 47,312 blank journals I have. I have every intention, when I buy them, to write all my deep, dark thoughts in them. Pfft. I put them on the shelf next to all the other good intentions.
But. How do I start? I feel like I am completely out of control in my life. I feel overwhelmed and at a loss. I don’t know where to start or how to start or what to start with. A plan would probably help, but I don’t even know where to start with that either!
God, I’m boring. What’s that Nike slogan? It sounds easy…. but give me a second, and I’m sure I’ll find a way to complicate it and end up completely whipped up and whimpering in the corner.
Oh, hello! Come in. Have some mac and cheese. It’s good comfort food.
There is a woman at work who intimidates me greatly. Or is it greatly intimidates me? See! I’m doubting my grammar now!!!
This woman, Sheba, is tall and thin while I am neither. She is really REALLY smart. But I think I am, too. She’s extraordinary at her job, but she has been here for more than 10 years. There are days when I think I am good at my job, but others when I think “How have I fooled people for so long and when am I going to be found out for the fraud that I am?”
Today is one of the latter days. Probably because I spent the morning in a meeting with Sheba and, predictably, came out of said meeting feeling like I should probably hang up my heels and go work at a real Gas ‘n Sip. It wasn’t pretty. I wanted to cry.
I spend a lot of time wallowing in self-doubt. I have no idea when this phenomenon started or what the cause of it is but I do know that going through life feeling like the dumbest woman on the planet is not working for me. (I think a strong contender for that title would be the woman who is trying to eat her way into being the fattest woman ever. I’m told you can actually go online and watch her eat. Um. Gross.) (But I digress.)
The reality is that I know that I am *not* stupid. I don’t know if I’m MENSA smart, but I do okay. I know that I am capable of many things. I also know that I am smarter than a lot of people I work with. Or maybe it’s better to say that I’m better at some things than they are and vice versa. So when self-doubt comes knocking, why can’t I just tell it that I’m not interested in hearing what it has to say today and wish it well? Why do I allow myself to get knocked down? Why is it SO easy to believe the bad stuff and SO difficult to believe the best?
Of course, true to form, I will now spend several days hours over-analyzing things to find out what is going on, only to not come up with anything or to get distracted and put it off until the next time. I would be willing to bet that most people feel like this at some point or another. But I wonder if I am different and feel this way more frequently than others. Is there any way to know?
I think I would like to be one of those women you see out who look like they have it all together – they look polished, they walk proudly and with a purpose, they have the “perfect” partner/job/car/home/life. But, in the same breath, I wonder if “she” really exists anywhere? No one has a perfect anything. I know that. And maybe “she” just has a huge wall or facade up that is masking her personal heartbreak. But, having the confidence to project that “I’m awesome, always” attitude, however briefly, would be kinda fun. I think.
Or maybe it would just be exhausting, and I should nap instead.
Oh, hello! Come on in and have a glass of wine. (Or whine. After today’s post, whine makes more sense.)
Me at the end of my day
I just finished another day at the Gas ‘n Sip. Another unfulfilling, suck day. I know, I know. How many times am I going to complain about it before I do something??
The point is, I *am* trying to do something about it. I have had my resume redone by a “Certified Resume Writer”. (Did you even know there was such a thing? I didn’t.) I have applied for no less than 5 jobs within the Gas ‘n Sip in the past 3 months. Nothing. I have applied for at least 5 outside of the Gas ‘n Sip. Nothing. I have even indicated that I will relocate. I don’t necessarily want to do that, because my parents are getting older and I would hate to miss something. But doing something is better than doing nothing.
*****
Recently, I made a reservation to go to Toronto for 3 days of meetings. I did this *after* confirmation that the meetings were set and to go ahead. The first day of meetings was scheduled for Monday at 9am. Therefore, I had to go up on Sunday. Pain in my… kneecap, but okay. I’ll do it. That Sunday is also the last hockey game of the season. F***!! But again, okay. It sucks, but I’ll do it. I called Herb, and told him that I wouldn’t be able to go to the game and he should give my ticket away. So, flight booked. Hotel booked. (You know where this is going, right?)
I get in today to an email telling me that “Oh, the meeting has to be changed.” M#(*^% F(#*^%@&$!!!!! YOU TOLD ME TO BOOK THE TRIP. YOU CAUSED ME TO CHANGE LONG TERM PERSONAL PLANS. AND NOW YOU TELL ME “Tee Hee! Just kidding. Come 2 weeks later.” Well, guess what. I THINK YOU SUCK! YOUR TIME IS *NOT* MORE VALUABLE/IMPORTANT/WORTHY THAN MINE.
I decided to *not* call them today to confirm a new date. I thought it might be less than constructive, given the steam coming out of my ears, and the fact that the top of my head had blown off.
*****
Also today, I went online to try to take another loan from my 401(k). I took one at the end of the year 2009, in a time of need. I’ve reached that time again. Well, turns out I can only have 1 loan at a time, and if I want a loan, I have to pay off the first one. Well, hmm… IF I HAD THE MONEY TO PAY OFF THE 1ST LOAN, I WOULDN’T NEED A LOAN, NOW WOULD I??? So I called them and asked if I could just increase the amount of my current loan? No. *sigh* Great. Well, no groceries for Kitten until next payday. And just ignore those overdrafts.
*****
I’ve been seeing a lot of posts on other blogs about people getting frustrated with branding and statistics. It makes me sad that so many people are affected by that. There is a small part of me that would love to have a corporation sponsor my blog – see the above rant about needing money – but given all the angst that these other well-respected bloggers have to deal with, it might be a case of “be careful what you wish for.” I hope these bloggers don’t stop posting. I love their posts and their words and their ideas. Personally, I am so tickled when I get *any* readers, that I know I won’t have to worry about any of that for a long time (if ever).
*****
One of the posts I referred to above mentioned contests on Twitter that no one seems to win. I’ve noticed that too, and it pisses me off. I have participated in a couple of contests, but I think I’m done. It’s all a scam. People suck.
*****
Okay… I’m done whining and complaining. I’m sorry about all the yelling up above. I’ll be better soon.Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t help. But if you know anyone who wants to sponsor my blog and pay me pots and pots of money so that I can stop selling my books for extra cash, have them email me at seamusandmaggie(at)yahoo(dot)com. (*heh*)
Oh, hello! Come in and have a Caramelized Apple Tart* and some coffee.
My rant today is about the media. And all the time that is wasted on stupid stuff.
Do any of us REALLY care about Jon and Kate? About her new stupid hair-do? About his girlfriend? What about Misha Barton having a meltdown? Or how much the First Lady’s sneakers cost?
I freely admit that I look at the headlines on the tabloids. I even buy a People magazine on occasion. (I used to subscribe, but thought it was a waste of money for something that could be read in about 10 minutes.) I am not “above” reading about celebrity crap.
But OMGoat! Enough! Give us the “big” stories – who is getting married/divorced, who had a baby, who died. I don’t need to know about every time Kate Hudson goes to a baseball game. Or Lindsey Lohan goes shopping. Or Matthew McConahay goes running. There has to be something more important going on in the world than the fact that Kanye pulled another assholish move and dissed Taylor Swift. Let me think… OH! that’s right! There’s a friggin war in Afghanistan (among other places) and we (Americans, among other countries) have troops (sons, daughters, husbands, wives, parents) there.
And as far as the President goes? The complaining about him screwing up the country started BEFORE he even took office. Really? Can the complainers see into the future?? And where can I buy that skill? Like him or hate him, agree with him or don’t, but Judas H. Priest! Give the guy a fair chance to phuck everything up before you burn him in effigy! I would expect that of ANY president, regardless of the political party to which they belong. And to sit and analyze EVERY SINGLE THING HE DOES – mostly on the stuff not “Oh, by the way, I’m running the country” related, is childish and petty. Analyze the big decisions. Call your Congress and Senate representatives about that stuff. Don’t bitch because the First Family is wealthy and Mrs. Obama can afford, and chooses to wear, $500 sneakers. I may think it’s stupid to pay that much too, but if she has the money and wants them? LET HER.
Jesus Christ. Move on. Let’s get out of the weeds and focus on the big issues. There are plenty of wonderful charities doing great works all over the planet. Find out more about them. Read to the elderly. Teach someone to read. Go for a walk. But, please. Just stop with the inane blathering of all things inconsequential. There’s too much noise in the world already. Maybe we can help quiet it.
*Recipe for tarts:
How to Prepare: Take one pastry shell (half), layer on cheesecake, add 3-4 apple slices, then drizzle with caramel.
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Oh, hello! Have a mini-cupcake. They’re fresh.
What has happened to customer service? Back in the day, store employees would actually say “Thank you” or “Thank you for shopping here”. At the very least, they might make small talk with the customer, ask about their day. Dealing with service people by phone used to be less of a chore. They would attempt to resolve your issue, without putting you on hold 5 times, all while speaking clearly.
I stopped at the grocery store on the way home this evening. I picked up a rotisserie chicken (LOVE those!!), some fruit, bread, and frozen veggies. At the checkout, I was not greeted by the cashier. I was not acknowledged. I was given the total. And then…. she packed the groceries. Bag #1: fruit ON the bread. Bag #2: frozen veggies with the HOT FROM THE OVEN chicken. Yes. She put the hot stuff and the cold stuff in the same bag. That takes stupid to a whole new level. What the heck is wrong with people? In what universe would that ever be considered appropriate? Or sane?
Then before I left, I didn’t get the “Thank you for shopping here” or “Have a nice day” or even the ever-irritating “Have a good one”. No, no. Insult added to injury, after she started the melting of the veggies, she was talking to another cashier about her weekend. Um, really? Who raised you? How does one learn to be that rude? And how does one go about NOT acquiring common sense.
Listen, you are in a SERVICE POSITION. This means you DEAL WITH PEOPLE. If you don’t like to do that, great. Go find a job where you don’t have to interact with customers. I did it. The Slurpee manager doesn’t actually have to deal with customers. And trust me, we’re all happier for it. The Chip-Bag Fluffer? He has to deal with customers. He’s good at it, and likes to do it. Good for him. The point is this. If you work with the public, be polite. Have a smile on your face. Pretend to like your job. That’s what you get paid to do. IT’S YOUR JOB. Each interaction takes less than 5 minutes, usually. Suck it up.
And for Goat’s sake, DON’T PACK HOT FROM THE OVEN CHICKEN IN THE SAME BAG AS THE FROZEN STUFF. ASSHAT.
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