Well, after much agitation, and inner turmoil, I did it. I decided to post for the new position at the Gas ‘n Sip. I don’t know if anything will come of it – the wheels move glacially here – but I feel better knowing that I have stopped feeling the victim, and taken the step to doing something about it.
I also took the step of letting my manager know what I’ve done. I don’t know what I expected, but what I got was “Ok. Thanks for letting me know.”
Either way, I do know that the disparity of my situation was making me short-tempered and resentful and preventing me from doing my best work. And that is not okay. I am better than that. My employer deserves better from me. And hopefully, this step will help me to do better.
I’ll keep you posted.
About a week or so ago, a friend confided in the privacy of a chat, that she had slapped her daughter during an argument. Slapped her “a few times”. (Her words). Slapped. Her. Daughter.
Background:
No. I just wrote out what I know about Louise* and her story, but A) it isn’t my story to tell; B) I only know about her story that which she has shared; and C) this post is only about the slap and my reaction. So I deleted it.
Suffice it to say that Louise is making a huge change in several areas in her life. One of her daughters has been acting up – lying, promiscuity, possibly drugs – and this is all completely out of character for the daughter. So they have been fighting a lot.
Last week, Louise joined the chat and said “XXX and I has a HUGE fight last night. Everything came to a head. We were yelling at each other and I slapped her. A few times…. but the result was XXX”. Again, that’s the big part of what you need to know.
All the other women in our chat were “Oh, I’m sorry you have to deal with that.” “Teenagers are hard.” “You did the right thing – she needed a wake up call and you got her attention.”
I? Remained observant in stunned silence.
Disclaimers:
- I was never slapped by my parents, as a child. I was spanked, but rarely.
- I don’t have any children (that I know about), so I cannot put myself fairly in her shoes.
- The magnitude of the changes Louise is making would make anyone crazy, I would imagine.
I was going to write this post the day it happened, but I couldn’t. I wanted to marinate in her actions, and more importantly, my REACTION to her actions before I wrote anything.
My response to Louise at the time was something like: “I have to be honest. I’m struggling with the slapping portion of your story. I AM NOT JUDGING YOU, but I’m having a hard time with it. I’m glad you got XXX to open up and talk though.”
But who am I kidding. I did judge her. I think I still am. I haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly what it is about “the slap” that has affected me so profoundly. I’m not a mother. I don’t know how bad the argument was. I don’t know the degree to which XXX was acting up.
I mean, I know how frustrated I get with my cats. But really? They’re cats. I know it’s not the same thing, by any stretch of the imagination.
I reached out to my friends at The Band to get their perspectives. They seemed to be as shocked/horrified/disturbed about it as I was. Not that that makes my reaction right. (BTW, are you with The Band? You should be.)
So, your turn.
If someone told you this, how would you react? What do you say? Am I blowing this out of proportion because I don’t have the parental-perspective?
*Names changed
Oh, hello! Come in. I made a full Irish breakfast for you today.
I just got back from Girls’ Weekend. What a blast!! But that’s not what I want to vent about today.
While I was away, I noticed something about myself that I don’t really like very much, so I want to change it.
At breakfast one morning, I was watching someone who was reading the Specials Board. She was complaining that something was “gross” and she couldn’t possibly eat it and she needed a menu instead. Whatever it was, it was something that she hadn’t tried before; yet she was sure it was gross and she wouldn’t like it and she couldn’t understand how anyone else could eat it.
So, full of righteous indignation, I turned to the K2Kid, with whom I was eating breakfast, and got myself all whipped up about what a jerk this girl was and why doesn’t she just try it and isn’t she just ridiculous.
Then I stopped.
And I caught what I was actually saying.
And I came to the realization that I was taking on the Judgey McJudgerson role. What the hell do I care if she doesn’t want to try something? How is her decision to NOT try something, in any way, shape or form, impacting me or my life, at all? Just because I am willing to try new things doesn’t make me better or worse (or anything else) than anyONE else. They like what they like and good for them.
I don’t like this superiority trait in myself. *I’m* the one who gets all whipped up. *I’m* the one who gets agita. *I’m* the only one who is negatively affected. The person, or situation, that I am judging, goes on about their business, happy as a lark, and none the wiser to my judgement. Who the hell do I think I am? There are SO MANY things about me that are available for judgement by others. Why don’t I focus on those things first? Get my own house in order, so to speak.
I asked the K2Kid to help me with this. I asked her to point out to me when I started to go off. There were a few times I caught myself before I went off. There were a few times she had to say to me “It doesn’t affect you” so that I would stop. It was eye-opening to me. And suitably humbling.
Change is hard.
Learning a new lesson is hard.
But I’m learning. It’s hard, but I’m learning.
Oh, hello! Come on in and have a glass of wine. (Or whine. After today’s post, whine makes more sense.)
Me at the end of my day
I just finished another day at the Gas ‘n Sip. Another unfulfilling, suck day. I know, I know. How many times am I going to complain about it before I do something??
The point is, I *am* trying to do something about it. I have had my resume redone by a “Certified Resume Writer”. (Did you even know there was such a thing? I didn’t.) I have applied for no less than 5 jobs within the Gas ‘n Sip in the past 3 months. Nothing. I have applied for at least 5 outside of the Gas ‘n Sip. Nothing. I have even indicated that I will relocate. I don’t necessarily want to do that, because my parents are getting older and I would hate to miss something. But doing something is better than doing nothing.
*****
Recently, I made a reservation to go to Toronto for 3 days of meetings. I did this *after* confirmation that the meetings were set and to go ahead. The first day of meetings was scheduled for Monday at 9am. Therefore, I had to go up on Sunday. Pain in my… kneecap, but okay. I’ll do it. That Sunday is also the last hockey game of the season. F***!! But again, okay. It sucks, but I’ll do it. I called Herb, and told him that I wouldn’t be able to go to the game and he should give my ticket away. So, flight booked. Hotel booked. (You know where this is going, right?)
I get in today to an email telling me that “Oh, the meeting has to be changed.” M#(*^% F(#*^%@&$!!!!! YOU TOLD ME TO BOOK THE TRIP. YOU CAUSED ME TO CHANGE LONG TERM PERSONAL PLANS. AND NOW YOU TELL ME “Tee Hee! Just kidding. Come 2 weeks later.” Well, guess what. I THINK YOU SUCK! YOUR TIME IS *NOT* MORE VALUABLE/IMPORTANT/WORTHY THAN MINE.
I decided to *not* call them today to confirm a new date. I thought it might be less than constructive, given the steam coming out of my ears, and the fact that the top of my head had blown off.
*****
Also today, I went online to try to take another loan from my 401(k). I took one at the end of the year 2009, in a time of need. I’ve reached that time again. Well, turns out I can only have 1 loan at a time, and if I want a loan, I have to pay off the first one. Well, hmm… IF I HAD THE MONEY TO PAY OFF THE 1ST LOAN, I WOULDN’T NEED A LOAN, NOW WOULD I??? So I called them and asked if I could just increase the amount of my current loan? No. *sigh* Great. Well, no groceries for Kitten until next payday. And just ignore those overdrafts.
*****
I’ve been seeing a lot of posts on other blogs about people getting frustrated with branding and statistics. It makes me sad that so many people are affected by that. There is a small part of me that would love to have a corporation sponsor my blog – see the above rant about needing money – but given all the angst that these other well-respected bloggers have to deal with, it might be a case of “be careful what you wish for.” I hope these bloggers don’t stop posting. I love their posts and their words and their ideas. Personally, I am so tickled when I get *any* readers, that I know I won’t have to worry about any of that for a long time (if ever).
*****
One of the posts I referred to above mentioned contests on Twitter that no one seems to win. I’ve noticed that too, and it pisses me off. I have participated in a couple of contests, but I think I’m done. It’s all a scam. People suck.
*****
Okay… I’m done whining and complaining. I’m sorry about all the yelling up above. I’ll be better soon.Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t help. But if you know anyone who wants to sponsor my blog and pay me pots and pots of money so that I can stop selling my books for extra cash, have them email me at seamusandmaggie(at)yahoo(dot)com. (*heh*)
Oh, hello! Come in and make yourself a sandwich.
I took a few days off from work last week to just chill and sleep. I’ve been busy (for me) the past few weeks, and wanted some time to sit and do nothing. As a result, I ended up watching more television than I normally do. Not the best use of my time, I know, but I did, so let’s move on.
What I have noticed about television is that the advertisers must think we, collectively, are dumb as a pile of hair. The ads shown, regardless of the time of day, the station, the program, are insipid crap. I understand that networks need advertisers to pay the bills. I get that. And I also get that having a DVR-type technology available means that advertisers need to work harder to make an impression so that people don’t fast forward through them, but come on! Obviously, I can’t speak for anyone else, but if the advertisers spent a little time coming up with thoughtful and well executed ads, I might watch them.
Some examples? Anything by Burger King. That “king” is terrifying. He makes me think of a pedophile every time I see him. I’m pretty sure that is *not* the image the company wants to put out there. Yeah, I remember it, but for all the wrong reasons. Also the kid with the small hands. WTF?
How about the phone company, and to be honest with you, I have no idea which one it is, that has Flava Flav on it. Um, really? You couldn’t get anyone more relevant? You had to pick the least attractive “star”?
And any of the weight-loss pill ads. I don’t mean Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. I mean those “You take this pill and you will lose 90 pounds in 2 weeks” ads. The women on these ads, who now claim to be able to strut around in a bikini, ARE ALREADY THIN! Show me someone realistic.
Again, I get it. The company has 30-60 seconds to get their message across, so it needs to be memorable. But, should the ads be SO dumb, SO inane that we remember them for the WRONG points? We (America) are not a stupid culture. (Sure, there are stupid people *in* the culture, but that’s not exclusive to America!) Why do these advertisers think it is okay to treat us like we are stumps in a forest?
C’mon, advertising companies! I challenge you to stop dumbing down your material. I challenge you to speak to us like we have brain cells. Until then, I guarantee, DVR use is going to skyrocket.
Oh, hello! Come on in! We’re having mini crustless Quiche this morning.
So, it seems that some of the biggest “news” these days is about this “celebrity” Heidi who had plastic surgery.
To back up for a second, I recently discovered I have reached the point in my life where I have no idea who most of the people claiming to be famous are. I don’t watch their shows, see their movies, listen to their music, or whatever it is they do. This Heidi is in that group for me. I have no idea why she’s famous, but evidently she is and was showing off her new bewbs on the cover of People magazine.
Back to my point. It’s been widely talked about that she had all these surgeries. She’s been interviewed and said she feels good about it and is very happy about it. Her husband is supportive of her decision. In my opinion, the story should end there. And yet….
And yet, from reading the news online, I have seen a new story, seemingly everyday, where other celebrities (who evidently have some sort of expertise) are opining on Heidi’s choices and condemning her for them.
Who do these people think they are? If this woman is happy with her choice, then the discussion ends there. Personally, I wouldn’t want beach balls for bewbs, but what? Oh, that’s right! I DON’T HAVE TO GET THEM. If it’s right for her, it’s right.
I suppose the argument could be made that she made this a topic of discussion by appearing in People in a bikini. But she’s a celebrity, and that’s what they do. They create photo-ops to stay on the radar. That’s her job. (I’m guessing.) It could also be argued that she did all this to combat some level of insecurity. So, ripping her apart for it is helping her how? If she was insecure about how she looked before, what must she be thinking now?
I get it that if we aren’t talking about a celebrity, they get concerned. I also get it that what they do/say/wear has absolutely no bearing on my life. And finally, I get it that there is a whole industry built on reporting what celebrities are doing. But how about we focus on what they are doing to better the world and not what “we” think they should be doing. Talk about/Promote the new movies/books/shows/music.
But let’s get away from the constant mental flogging about looks. Use what Heidi did as a spring-board to have a discussion with your kids (if you have them, that is. My cats? Not interested.) about body image. Again, it may not be right FOR YOU, but it was for her. And that’s okay. We don’t all have to agree.
But, step off, Judgey McJudgerson. Or at least remember your feeling of superiority the next time someone judges you.
Oh, hello! Come over here and get yourself some Christmas cookies. I haven’t been around for so long and now you all look a little peckish.
So, where have I been? I’m glad you asked.
After a heart-hurting post about Madame X, I needed a break. I couldn’t face writing some blather that meant nothing to me or to anyone else. I had had such high hopes to complete NaBloPoMo AND NaNoWriMo, but ended up not finishing either. I did cheer others on to success, albeit from my sofa, while in the fetal position.
I learned that I missed you all. (*heh* I say “you all” like there are millions of you who actually read this dreck). I thought about writing something, but just couldn’t do it. K2Kid none-too-subtly asked me if I had given up blogging altogether. (*waves* at K2Kid while also giving *stinkeye* and thanking her for the kick in the rear.)
So here I am. What’s new? Let’s see:
1. I am no longer under the Leg Jiggler’s domain. He has been reallocated to a different group, as have I. Hoorah!! He is still here, in the next cell, but the dynamic has changed. I now report to someone up in Canadia. Yep, that’s right, everyone’s favorite Gas ‘n Sip keeps getting bigger! Now you can call us the Gas ‘n Sip, Eh?
2. Out of the blue, my friends at MegandAli.com gifted me a hat to say thank you for “reviewing” them. I was so surprised, even though I secretly know that Mr. Meg (aka Frank) wants me to do some free advertising for them. But that’s okay. I really do like their stuff, and if my wearing a hat helps them to be successful, I’m happy to do that. The hat itself? A basic baseball cap, soft, with their familiar peace sign on the front. I wore it on one of my trips to Canadia, in fact. It was comfy and didn’t end up causing my head to itch like so many other hats can. Mr. Meg told me they have to update the site, but check out the hats if you get a chance.
3. I am not sure I have ever mentioned this before, but I hate, *hate*, the holidays. Hate. I wish I didn’t, but I honestly don’t remember a truly happy one. People get SO stressed, and SO ugly, and SO cranky at this time of year. There is pressure to have a *perfect* tree/house/outfit/family/dog/iguana, and it becomes just another chore. Plus, the fact that the stores start with the Christmas-related crap as early as July or August. Really? I would love nothing more than to make it just another day, with a pleasant family meal, where we get together and have fun with a game or something. No pressure. No “jeez, did I get everyone the “right” gift?” No “have I sent out the cards?” ENOUGH! Enough of the commercialism. I mean, really. Hey, stores: if you can “mark stuff down” by some percentage for “holiday sales”, chances are IT’S TOO EXPENSIVE TO BEGIN WITH!!! (I have to stop my rant here. My sinus pressure is killing me, and this rant and thinking about the holidays is giving me a headache. I’ll revisit the topic when I feel better. Maybe.)
4. I had myself another Madame X breakdown last night. I’m not sure where that came from because, as far as I know, nothing has changed about her condition. But, there I was anyway, in a pile on my bed, sobbing, nearly suffocating, and thinking about how much my life will be “less” without her there. Today, I am exhausted with very pretty, puffy, tired eyes trying to look at it from the perspective of how much better my life has been because she has been in it, and what a joy it has been to have her there, and with complete comfort that she will be looking out for me once the inevitable happens. Someone please keep reminding me of that.
5. The Biggest Loser. Yeah, I didn’t do my recap of the last 2 shows. A few reasons for that: 1. my meltdown; 2. no one read them; 3. I didn’t feel like it. A new season starts January 5, and I’ll be watching it. Without my computer.
I guess that’s it for now. I feel like I am starting this blog thing over from scratch. Baby steps. But I will try to not leave again for so long. I really did miss you.
Oh, hello! Help yourself to some hot wings and fries. Good stuff.
I had to force myself to not do the ugly cry tonight.
Almost three years ago, Madam X started to not feel well. We didn’t know what was going on, but she kept getting worse. She was tired all the time, her spleen was enlarged, her mental faculties were diminishing. She was gray. There’s no other way to accurately describe how she looked.
After six months or so of living like this and slowly deteriorating, Madam X was taken into the hospital emergency room. Her spleen was of a size that warranted immediate surgery. Since so much blood had been diverted to her spleen, she wasn’t able to think clearly. That explained her inability to think clearly and remember things and walk more than a block without needing to sit down. While they were in there, digging around, they found out that Madam X has cancer. Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.
During that time, Madam X and Mister Y were in the process of selling the house in which they had lived for more than 40 years. They were moving into a smaller house that was newer and more manageable. There was a lot going on. Madam X was going through chemo, moving,. Everyone was completely stressed. Luckily, the cancer was caught early enough that radiation wasn’t needed in addition to the chemo. We were all really hopeful.
After the chemo, Madam X went into remission. She recovered slowly, but we were convinced that it was a blip on the radar. Every checkup seemed to be a reaffirmation of this, as the blood tests showed that all counts were good and this vile disease was being defeated.
This past summer, Madam X started to not feel good again. She was tired all the time. She didn’t want to go to the doctor until her regularly scheduled checkup, despite me begging her to do so. I think she knew, better than anyone, what the results were going to be. I should have known. So, in September, when she should have found out that, yet again, she was clear, she instead found out that the cancer is back.
Her doctor seemed to be optimistic and encouraging. Chemo was scheduled for every three weeks for 6 courses. The doctor said this was going to take care of it. I’ve been watching Madam X during all of this and I see that she’s not recovering as well this time. She remains tired all the time. She is certainly not bouncing back as quickly. I can feel my heart breaking.
Thanksgiving is coming up. Madam X does not want to, or can’t, do such an event. Her daughter suggested that we all go out for dinner instead. But even that seems like too much for Madam X. The last time I spoke with her daughter, she callously shot off a “She probably won’t be alive for it next year, so we should do something.”
(Pausing for the ugly cry now…. brb…)
I’m back.
So ever since, that statement has been on my mind. I asked Madam X’s son if he thought that statement was accurate too. He said that he didn’t think it would be that soon, but that it was coming. Hence, the ugly cry.
I love Madam X more than anyone else on the planet. She has been there for me through everything – good, bad, or indifferent. She has been an inspiration. She has been my cheerleader, my leveler, my hero, and my friend.
I know that, at 42, I am of an age where people in my life will be getting sick and/or dying. But in this situation, I feel like I am 12. I should be mature enough to handle this. Of course I will be sad. Of course it will hurt. But do I need to have a complete meltdown at just the THOUGHT of this person not being in my life? People die all the time, and their loved ones go on. They go on with life, with love, with living. They don’t lose their sh*t.
I don’t want to hurry this process along, but how am I going to deal with this brilliant, lovely, loving woman not being in my life? I need to find a way to hold it together the next time I see her, the next time we get together for breakfast. I mean, if I am this much of a mess as a result of some off-hand, snotty remark by Madam X’s daughter, what will I do when the real thing happens?
I am angry and sad and I know that it is completely unfair that this woman is sick. She has worked hard her entire life. She has given everything to her family and her children. She never asks for anything in return. She is kind, and loving, and sweet, and (normally) full of life.
Tonight, this is my struggle. This is my challenge. This is my reason for sobbing.
Madam X deserves better. She deserves to reach the end of her life surrounded by joy and beauty and love. She doesn’t deserve to have this horrible disease get the best of her.
Madam X, I love you and I want you to get better. And if fate is cruel and doesn’t allow that to happen, I want you to know that you will be with me forever – as a constant reminder of how to live, as a good and true person. I can only hope to, one day, be a fraction of the woman you are.
Oh, hello! Have some pretzels. And beer. Hockey tonight, so I’m getting ready.
I don’t typically watch the news. Mostly because I find it inordinately depressing. Life is hard enough without adding more depressing events. Happy pills can only help so much.
But over the past few days, there have been a couple of very tragic shootings in the south, for which I have tuned in to MSNBC and CNN to hear about details. A couple of weeks ago there was another big story, that MSNBC reported on. The one a few weeks ago, there was supposed to have been a little boy in a balloon that was loose. MSNBC spent several hours reporting on this. It was a hoax. No one interviewed the parents in all that time.
Yesterday there was a horrific shooting in Texas. The first brilliant thing that the talking head on MSNBC said is that “he was a soldier with an Arabic sounding name”. That’s super. Let’s get everyone whipped up into anti-terrorist sentiment without finding out the reason for the problem. Next, he went to Virginia Tech, “which is ironic” – presumably ironic since there was a shooting at Virginia Tech not too long ago. Then he had been shot. Dead. Um, no, he isn’t dead. Stable condition. Today, they are targeting the fact that the “alleged” shooter is Muslim. And “it looks like he decided to go with his religious beliefs”. Really, MSNBC? What part of the Muslim religion espouses this type of violence?
So today, there was a shooting in Florida. “The shooter has been apprehended”. “The shooter is still in the building.” “The shooter escaped the building and is at large.” All of this was reported in a 5 minute time span. Then we switch back to Texas, where we’re told, “We’re going into this 2 minute moment of silence. Let’s go to Fort Hood and listen in.” Listen in? Really? WTF?
What has happened over the past 2 days is horrible. So much violence. So many people dead. And having the media add hate and ignorance to the fire only makes it worse. It fuels hatred and fear and will only instigate additional violence. I can’t handle seeing things like that. I’ll go back to just reading headlines.
I’m back off the news.
Oh, hello. Sorry I didn’t have time to cook anything today. I’m sure I have something in the freezer I can reheat. Take a look.
Midterm elections were held yesterday. There were many things of interest throughout the country, but the one I was watching most closely is the question about repealing the recently enacted law that would allow Gays to marry. Yes would repeal, No would keep it on the books.
If we, as a state, won the No vote, we would have been the first state in the country to have this law on the books by the popular vote. Yes would make us just like the 31 other states who have repealed the law.
Do I need to tell you what happened? We, as a state, suck. The Yes vote won. The popular vote is to repeal the law.
Yes won by 32,000 votes. So, granted, the outcome was close, but the closed-minded, homophobic vote won out. Now, just like the other 31 states who have had to deal with this issue, Gays and Lesbians will not be afforded equal rights under the law with regards to marriage.
Fear ads were prevalent. The religious aspect was highly touted. I believe that this is NOT a religious issue. It IS a civil issue. It is a fairness issue. And I also believe that if “God” did not like Gays, “he” wouldn’t have created them.
So, today, I am not proud to be from Maine. I am sad for my gay friends who are once again relegated to the background. I do think it is somewhat encouraging that the vote was so close, so the next time this comes up, the open-minded option should win. Let’s hope this is the case.
My home-state pride will come back. But please don’t blame the ENTIRE state. Many of us were with you.
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