Oh, hello! Come on in and have a whoopie pie. NOM NOM
I often find myself alone. I think it’s how I roll. And I like to tell myself that it’s ok. I’m ok with that.
But then I read other peoples’ blogs and see how introspective they are and how they face their “stuff” and move through it and come out stronger and, well, better than they were. And true to form, I start thinking about how I spend my time alone.
I don’t know if I can just sit. Just sit and be with myself. Not for very long anyway. I have to be doing something. Reading. Watching television. (Or at least have the TV on in the background.) Tooling around on the interwebs. Listening to the radio. Just anything.
Often, I find myself wishing to quiet the noise in my head. Just to ssshhhhhh. But I can’t seem to do it. I’ve tried meditating. I can last about 31 seconds. I’ve tried turning everything off and just hearing… nothing. But then I think of all the things I “have” to do.
So, what *is* that? What is it in my head that I am afraid to face? Why can I not turn off the television instead of watching repeats of shows I’ve seen 13 times at least? Why, if I do turn off the TV, do I immediately pick up a book? Why, when I finish said book, I *immediately* pick up another one, without allowing myself to let the first one settle? Why am I afraid?
Why am I afraid to look too closely? What happened that I can’t, or won’t, face? What if there is nothing that I am not facing? What if I am just so vapid that I don’t actually have deep thoughts or a hidden past? What if I actually run out of questions to ask or my question mark key breaks? (Just seeing if you are still reading…)
I don’t know the answer. I certainly won’t come up with it now, while I have TweetDeck on in the other tab, the hockey game on the television and my brother texting me updates from another hockey game. Maybe I’ll be able to spend some time this coming weekend cogitating on my dilemma. I just know that I don’t want to live my life afraid. If something is holding me back, I want to face it and to get all the great things that are coming to me. Life is full of wonder – I just don’t want to be full of wonder about myself.
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Mo
I’ve had a hard time with that too. If it gets too quiet my head with run amok and that’s never a good thing. So the TV is on or there’s music. Or both. And a computer. And books.
Once in a while if I find myself home alone I will force myself to turn it all off—even if only for a few minutes. I allow myself to run with whatever is going on in my head because if I don’t, it just gets worse. I’ve recently started to keep a journal again to jot it all down and then I’ll go back and revisit it a few days later. Sometimes it by then I have a new perspective.
Good luck with it. I’m confident you’ll be able to move forward!
Debra
I have felt exactly this way so many times. I have brought myself to tears trying to sit and think and figure out what it is I want, what I need, where I go from here. I keep thinking if I’m still enough and persistent enough, the answers will just come. I’m learning that the answers come as we are ready to make use of them.
I don’t know if you remember a post I wrote back on the other blog about not knowing what I was supposed to do with my life but I did, in one moment of clarity, identify things that could be obstacles to ever getting there. So I started with those. I’m still working on those actually. Maybe that’s where you begin. Identify the things in your life that you think might be holding you back from opening the next door. Over the past year, I’ve made progress. I still don’t know what is next for me, but I definitely feel more ready to take it on.
Here’s hoping you find your obstacles and start your journey too.
I’m here for whatever you need. xoxo