Oh, hello! Come on in and have a whoopie pie. NOM NOM
I often find myself alone. I think it’s how I roll. And I like to tell myself that it’s ok. I’m ok with that.
But then I read other peoples’ blogs and see how introspective they are and how they face their “stuff” and move through it and come out stronger and, well, better than they were. And true to form, I start thinking about how I spend my time alone.
I don’t know if I can just sit. Just sit and be with myself. Not for very long anyway. I have to be doing something. Reading. Watching television. (Or at least have the TV on in the background.) Tooling around on the interwebs. Listening to the radio. Just anything.
Often, I find myself wishing to quiet the noise in my head. Just to ssshhhhhh. But I can’t seem to do it. I’ve tried meditating. I can last about 31 seconds. I’ve tried turning everything off and just hearing… nothing. But then I think of all the things I “have” to do.
So, what *is* that? What is it in my head that I am afraid to face? Why can I not turn off the television instead of watching repeats of shows I’ve seen 13 times at least? Why, if I do turn off the TV, do I immediately pick up a book? Why, when I finish said book, I *immediately* pick up another one, without allowing myself to let the first one settle? Why am I afraid?
Why am I afraid to look too closely? What happened that I can’t, or won’t, face? What if there is nothing that I am not facing? What if I am just so vapid that I don’t actually have deep thoughts or a hidden past? What if I actually run out of questions to ask or my question mark key breaks? (Just seeing if you are still reading…)
I don’t know the answer. I certainly won’t come up with it now, while I have TweetDeck on in the other tab, the hockey game on the television and my brother texting me updates from another hockey game. Maybe I’ll be able to spend some time this coming weekend cogitating on my dilemma. I just know that I don’t want to live my life afraid. If something is holding me back, I want to face it and to get all the great things that are coming to me. Life is full of wonder – I just don’t want to be full of wonder about myself.