Oh, hello! Tonight, it”s Sugar-Free Pecan Shortbread cookies, and club soda. The cookies are a little stale, but you don’t mind, right?
Remember when you were little? And you saw another little girl or boy who was about your age? You thought nothing of just going up to them and playing and giggling and chatting and being instant friends. There was no judgement, no ulterior motive, no guile.
Remember when you got to high school? All the cliques? One day you are BFFs with this group of girls (or boys) and the next they have “turned” on you and talk about you badly behind your back and laugh at you. There is one-ups-manship; judgement; cattiness.
Me? I am NOT GOOD at this whole making friends thing. It’s not that I don’t want friends, but I’m in a viscious circle – having friends and someone to hang out with is great, but I’m fairly private too, so opening up to people is hard for me. That tends to push people away. And it starts all over again. *sigh*
As part of my letting go of the past and not wallowing in the crap, I’m looking at why I do the things I do. I’ve had “friends” in the past who I thought I could trust. (And this was WAY past HS). And suddenly, with no explanation, I’ve been shut out. It hurts when that happens. I wracked my brain to figure out what happened, and to this day, I honestly have no idea. This has happened more than once. As a result, I have trust issues. I don’t want to have trust issues. I want to have friends.
I just still always have that back in HS feeling where there is the “cool kids” group, and I am on the outside, looking in with envy. Mostly, this is due to my crippling insecurity. What if I say something stoopid? What if they laugh? What if they talk about me after I walk away? Also? I am very shy by nature. Most people do not believe that about me at all. But, I find being social exhausting! If I make myself the center of attention, I’m okay with it. But if someone else puts the spotlight on me, I am MISERABLE!! I want to crawl under a table and hide. Then… once I am comfortable with a sitch, I’m good. My confidence level jumps from -27 to around 2.
I would love to have a handfull of friends with whom I could be completely comfortable, could tell anything to, would do anything for or would do anything for me. My friend Meffa is that to a point, but I hold myself back. I know I do it. I hate that I do it. The K2Kid is another.
So, I’m going to ask you a favor. As a way to help me get out of the past, if you are talking to me, and feel me pulling away, call me on it. Let me know I’m safe. It really doesn’t have anything to do with something you’ve done. It’s all me. I’m owning this. And I’m asking for help with it (another thing that is EXTREMELY hard for me to do.) Thank you in advance.
Baby steps, right?
Oh, hello! I think a wee dram of port is in order tonight.
Facebook? My Space? Twitter? Instant messaging? Is this really the way of the world? I joined MySpace about 2 years ago as a lark. I heard it was all the rage. Um, yeah, if you are a horny high school kid! I think I lasted about 6 months on that and then deleted my account because I felt so icky.
Next came Facebook. I joined that about a year ago. It seems to be a little better. I was able to connect with some people from high school. Although, now that I think of it, if I wanted to still be friends with the people I went to high school with, I probably would be. I have a feeling that most of them would probably feel the same way. I can see what people I work with are doing. But, again, do I really want to do that, either? I used FB quite regularly for a while, but then got bored with it. I know there are games that people love – bejeweled and mafia wars. One coworker has set up a bot at his house that keeps playing for him while he is at work. Really? Yikes. Now, I check in maybe once a week.
Twitter is one of the most addictive time sucks I have every come across. I joined Twitter in February of this year just to see what it was about. Like this blog, I started out slow. Then I got a few followers who seemed cool and now I’m addicted. I have “met” a whole community of people who are very similar to me. Whereas I often feel out of place around my job or family due to my snark and dry sense of humor, these folks take me as I am, and love me for it. One blessed, kind, sweet sole – who I won’t name our of respect for her privacy – has even offered to help me out of a recent financial situation. We have NEVER EVEN MET but she trusts me enough to be so selfless and generous. I declined her offer, but only because I find it so difficult to ask for and receive help. (That is a whole other blog post!)
Anyhoo. These three applications are called social media. But how, exactly, is this social? Sitting at a computer, chatting with people who may or may not be who they say they are. I don’t even have my real picture on Twitter. Or here. (That’s mostly because I HATE HATE HATE having my picture taken. I can fool myself in the mirror into thinking that I’m not as heavy as I am, but the camera doesn’t lie.) Honestly, I do try to be as much myself as possible, but I can’t say that about everyone.
I don’t know what the point of all this is. I guess that while I don’t quite get the “social” part of this, I am glad that I have the followers I have on Twitter. I believe them to be kind, real, friendly, and very supportive. I don’t believe there is any hidden agenda with any of the people I follow. It’s relaxing to me to be able to be myself. To be able to let my guard down because keeping it up all the time? EXHAUSTING!!
Hi kids…Sam’s out having lunch with Dad so I thought I’d drop by and fluff the pillows and open the curtains. I’m Moo…Sam has agreed to let me stop by every now and then and pontificate in her blog…(It’s not as dirty as it sounds, sicko!)
Let me tell you how Sam and I “met”. As you know, Sam is head Slurpee attendant at the Gas ‘n’ Sip. Well, I am the beer stock girl from the Beer Barn next door. And by next door, I mean about 2,000 miles to the left. You know how people in the same industry make connections…I think it’s called “networking”…
Anyway, Sam and I started cyber chatting about nothing. It was like a virtual Seinfeld episode. We managed to make a connection at least once a day to expound on absolutely nothing of relevance. But, after every time we made a connection, I knew I wanted to talk to Sam again. And over the course of several connections, Sam and I began to share things that weren’t all fluff and glitter. We shared some things that were real.
Now, with that said, we’d much rather prefer to discuss our disdain for Kate Goesslin’s bi level, multi striped, reverse mullet or our love for all things Jeffrey Donovan (you’d better believe that we have plans on how lure him into our lair should the situation present itself.) And we are not completely in agreement on everything in the world (I mean…who doesn’t watch Dancing with the Stars??? Get with the program, Sam!)
But what I know for sure, is that I am so glad that Sam is part of my life…even if it is only virtually. People don’t make organic connections as often in today’s world (Tell me…when was the last time you walked up to a stranger at Starbucks to discuss last night’s episode of “Castle”???) so it’s become quite normal to meet people online.
What’s amazing to me still is when you meet a person that is SO much like you…who holds so much draw…who you feel connected with from the word “hello”…that’s when you get lucky.
Anyway, Sam has introduced me to lots of cool stuff that I genuinely enjoy…I hope that one day I return the favor.
Make sure you lock up when you leave…can’t have weirdos in Sam’s place touching her MacGyver collectibles.
Oh, hello! I haven’t seen you in a while. How are things?
I’ve thought about blogging for a long time. Getting things out that I don’t need anymore. Not allowing “baggage” to reside with me against my will. I know I have started a blog at least 2 different times. At this point, I could not tell you where they are and what they are called. I did not spend a lot of time writing for those, but I did spend a lot of time doubting my writing ability and the thought that anyone would want to read what I wrote.
Recently I joined Twitter and found a whole wonderful group of people who seem to be just like me. Well, other than the fact that many of them are mommies. Luckily, birthing and raising wee people did not cause these lovely people, both moms and dads, to lose their senses of humor. In fact, most of them have wonderful creativity and blog themselves.
Lately, I have spent time trolling thru these blogs, starting at the beginning and moving forward. I feel very much like a voyeur in the lives of strangers. What I have found is that there are some amazing, brave, strong, exquisite, hilarious people who like to write. They have stories of joy and tragedy and mirth and heartbreak and unabashed happiness. And I, of course, being the festering, sniveling pile of self-doubt and insecurity, read these stories and again, feel inadequate about blogging. I have a very basic life with brief flashes of hysteria (see the shower/smoke alarm post) and why would anyone read about it.
Luckily, there are at least 2 people in my life who feel that I not only write well but also have something to say. Oh, I’m supposed to work the word “asshat” into the blog somewhere. I’m told that will help. 😉
One friend I have met, and one friend I know virtually. Both of them I treasure and both of them make my life infinitely more rich. I know “the K2Kid” from work. We met about 3 or 4 years ago and instantly clicked. We joke that we are actually the same person, because we have so much in common. She makes me laugh like no other person I know. She is married to a wonderful man who is also kind and funny and smart. The K2Kid is kind and also scary smart. I’m somewhat intimidated by her intelligence. I have always considered myself to be fairly intelligent, but dang, the K2Kid is brilliant. She has encouraged me, almost from the time we met, to write. She has seen in me something I don’t see in myself – the ability to write and tell a story.
The other friend, Moo, I have never met in person. I know her only on-line and only for about a year and a half. Moo is younger than I but has lived more of a life than I ever will. She is the young, hip mom and has a wicked sense of humor. I laugh to the point of sore abs at something she says at least once a day, but usually far more frequently. Moo is also brilliant. She is smart and quick and sweet. Miss Moo has also seen in me someone who is good and worth knowing. She encourages me to write and tell my crazy stories. She’s even going to guest-blog here occasionally.
So, here I am writing on the internet. I hope people will read it. But you know what? Even if no one does, and it ends up being me just typing away, I’m good with that. I have people on Twitter who find me amusing, people in my life who encourage me, and cats who think I hung the moon. (Okay, if I stopped the treats, they’d kill me in my sleep, but let me live with the fantasy.) And best of all, as indicated above, I have at least two strong, wonderful, witty women in my life, who love me.
Wait until I tell you about about my friend, Vermont.
*****I just realized I need to clarify that the Moo in my story is not, in fact, the Moo from the name of my blog. One is furry and the other isn’t. (I think… as mentioned, I’ve not met her in person. hee! )
Oh, hello. I spent the majority of yesterday shopping with my mother and then at dinner with friends. Part 1, Family:
There is a big whoop-de-doo this summer for a member of the extended family, and Mum needs a dress. Mum has very specific body issues – she is convinced she is hugely overweight (not true), she’s very self-conscious about her upper arms, and she needs to make sure her knees are covered.
So, okay, I take a PTO day from the gas ‘n sip to go with her. Thank goat I planned ahead and brought little baggies with carrots and walnuts for snacks. We leave my house at 10am. I had to zip by the doctor to get an x-ray for my arm, and we ended up at Macy’s by 10:30-10:45.
I don’t know if you have been looking for dresses lately, and have gone to Macy’s for that purpose, however, if you are over the age of 23 and are bigger than a size 8, don’t bother. They do have sizes up to 16, but they are appropriate for women who are fat, frumpy and about 112. Mum found 4 or 5 dresses to try and they were all too short, or too tight in the arms, or just plain hideous.
Now, the other option was a floaty black skirt that she already owns, that she could possibly get a white blouse or white sweater to go with. Okay, we also searched Macy’s for a white blouse. She tried no less than 10 different blouse options. They all looked wrong. (Meantime, my reflection in the fitting room mirrors = rolly polly. Not good).
BTDub, on a typical day, I eat lunch around 11:30. So, by this time, I’m getting HUNGRY. I whip out the walnuts and start hoovering them down.
Final verdict: #macy’sFAIL
Next stop: Coldwater Creek. We were there for about an hour and a half. Goat blesss the sales ladies there who helped us – she tried on EVERY SINGLE WHITE TOP in that store. Ladies in the other fitting rooms started chiming in. I’m hoovering carrots by this point. I finally suggested that perhaps the skirt was the problem, and we should go back to looking for a dress. Final purchase: a tee shirt.
#coldwatercreekFAIL
Okay. now we’re both getting tired, and hungry. We stop for tea and to sit for a few. Side note: WHERE IN GOAT’S NAME do kids buy these clothes??? They all look like whores and drug dealers.
Revived, we walk back thru the mall and end up at JCPenney. I know, but sometimes they have cute things. She was just as skeptical as you. There, we find all kinds of things for her to try. She tried on no less than 15 dresses. All the time, I’m going back and forth getting different sizes, giving constructive criticism, and tryiing to breathe. Also, trying to not pass out from hunger. She ended up picking a very lovely dresss that met all her requirements. We go to pay, and IT’S HALF PRICE!!!! SCORE!!! So she ended up getting a second one too!!
#jcpenneySUCCESS
We went for Thai food for lunch AT 2:30!!!!!! I had eaten all the walnuts and all the carrots and still had the shakes and sweats from low blood sugar. Thai food rocks.
My original plan was to take a nap before meeting the girls for dinner. #napFAIL
Part 2, Friends:
Yesterday was also Girls Night International Dinner. Indian food. We went to a little hole in the wall that one could very easily walk by without seeing. We all had something different and tried each others dinner. I’m a novice at Indian food, so it was a great experience for me. Everything was yummy. And now i know some good things to order the next time.
#indiapalaceSUCCESS
Okay, I’m boring myself now. I need to end. Oh, and get a G&T refill. Let’s see… give you a smile… FAINTING GOATS!!!!
😀
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