Oh, hello! Come in and have some coffee. I think there are bagels over there, too.
I just had the strangest feeling come over me. I don’t really know what to do with it.
I know I have posted before about my love of spending money. If I have $10 in my wallet, it WILL be gone before the day is over. Admittedly, since I cut up my credit cards almost a year ago, I have been better, but still. I cannot be trusted with cash.
So I filed my taxes already and have gotten a refund. (WOOHOO!) Not as much as previous years, but a good amount. And it is burning a hole in my pocket, so to speak. I really want to shop. Buy pretty things. Girly things. Whatever.
However, (and this is where the weird feeling comes in to play), I just went to get tea and as I’m walking back to my desk, I’m wracking my brain trying to think of what I want and which website I can go to get it. (That’s the other thing. I love to spend money, but I HATE going to stores. If I can’t get it online, I won’t get it.) The feeling? I don’t think I want anything.
Go ahead. Noodle on that. I’ll wait….
::filing nails::
::goes pee::
::checks “doneness” of tea::
Ready?
I KNOW!!! WTF is wrong with me? I cannot think of a thing that will make me feel like a kid at Christmas and will be pretty and shiny and end all my problems. Can you even imagine?? (I can’t. This is a first!) Yeah, I know I could buy a dress or a necklace (I would really love pearls, but too expensive.) but I’m not feeling it. Even shoes. (I KNOW!!) Just not there. I even went to Amazon to look at books to buy. (I know about the Macmillan thing, but, whatev. Don’t start, please.) I found a couple of free ones for my Kindle, but I DIDN’T EVEN BUY ANY BOOKS!! THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!!!
There are plenty of “things” that I want. But in the end, it’s all just more “stuff”. And since my goal is to eliminate stuff, I guess that seed has taken root and I’m going with it. I don’t know if this will last and become a way of life for me, but I guess I’m going to ride this out for a while to see how I feel about it. It’s new and scary and uncharted for me.
I’ll let you know.
*****
COMPLETELY UNRELATED: I read an interview with a very famous blogger yesterday, and something this person said stuck with me and I don’t know how I feel about it. This blogger has way more readers than I do, or will, and I am a HUGE fan. This blogger was asked about how someone gets started with blogging and what if there is “nothing to write about”. The response? Something to the effect of: put it in a draft, re-read it, and if it’s not something you would want to read 5 years from now, don’t publish it.” Obviously, I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what I took from it. If you know to which interview I am referring, and took something else away from it, don’t yell at me. I’m hoping to be all philosophical and stuff, so, shhhh.
What bothers me is this: I haven’t even been doing this for a year yet, but what I wrote about when I started? I wouldn’t publish that today. And 5 years from now, this post will be dreck. (Well, it really is NOW, but you know what I mean.) I would like to think that 5 years from now, I will have grown and changed and developed as a person and as a writer so that things will continue to improve.
I guess I look at this site as a brief snapshot of my life at that moment. I will get better at it. I will get better, period. 5 years from now? Who can say.
Oh, hello! Come on in. Coffee is on, and cereal is on the counter.
Yesterday, I complained about being in a snit, for which I didn’t know the cause. I think I may have figured it out.
Every time there is some huge tragedy in the world – the tsunami, Katrina, the earthquake – I start thinking about how small my personal world is, and how significant I feel in it. The fact that I have no power in one half of my house since Saturday (I know, how random, right??) really seems so stupid to worry about. Coming into the Gas ‘n Sip everyday to do these *really* important projects that will enable our customers to see a particular shade of green consistently across all the pages of the website seems so trivial.
I don’t typically watch the news (I think I may have mentioned this before) because it depresses me. So much killing and violence and hatred and sadness in the world. I am definitely one who absorbs others’ problems thinking I can help. (Excuse me while I walk on water for a minute…)
I’m back… >_<
Anyhoo, Haiti. I think this is the source of my latest snit. I have watched an inordinate (for me) amount of coverage of this horrible tragedy, and it breaks my heart over and over. These people who are being rescued, now 2 weeks later, are so strong and brave. But what do they have now? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s wonderful that people are donating money, clothing, first aid, food, but they have lost everything. The poor children, who are now orphans, can’t even be adopted now because of all the human traffickers who want to cause harm. So sad.
I look at this story, and I look at my life, and I think – This is it? This is what I’m contributing to the world? Consistent green coloring? And so the snit takes hold. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no idea what I could do if I were able to go to Haiti to help. My life really is sheltered and I’m sure I would freak out at the loss and the poverty. And really, working at the Gas ‘n Sip hasn’t prepared me for any kind of life saving, aid giving work. But there has to be something more. There has to be.
I know I could volunteer in my community and help that way; starting locally is a good first step. Of course, then I would have to face my laziness. Then seeing the need so close to home and how they need so much and I’m complaining about having too many clothes. Oy. It really is a vicious circle. I really do drive myself crazy.
So, I just have to turn off the news again, and let my feathers get settled a little, and this snit will be history. Until the next tragedy.
But in the meantime, I can look for ways to “give back” close to home. Maybe that will mitigate the next one.
Oh, hello! Come in. Have a scone and some tea.
I’ve been in a snit lately. Normally, I can get behind a snit and ride it out with great joy. But this one is different in that I can’t figure out the cause of it. I just feel…. off. It’s not depression this time because my happy pills seem to be working.
I just am irritated at… everything. Stupid things. Inconsequential things. Inanimate things. People. My phone. I think I first noticed it on Saturday. It’s now Tuesday and this snit, which I’ve named Jean-Pierre, is showing no signs of leaving. I don’t normally name my snits, but since this one has been around so long, I felt it was only fair to name it.
Jean-Pierre has caused me to snap at Herb, snap at my parents, bristle at coworkers, want to punch the copy machine (Related: OW!), and on and on.
(Unrelated: I’m listening to BBC America and having a hard time hearing since the host and both guests are ALL TALKING AT THE SAME TIME!!! GAH! Jean-Pierre is loving this!)
If I had even a slight clue about what brought Jean-Pierre to my yard (not a milkshake, that’s for sure…. MMMM, milkshake.), then maybe I could come up with a plan to get him to go away!! I don’t want to shop. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want chocolate. (Oh, who am I kidding! Of course I do!) I don’t even want to sleep.
I hope I get over this soon. J-P has worn out his welcome and this psychological un-balance is draining. I enjoy my company so much more when I’m funny and snarky and happy.
Oh, hello! Come on in and have some Check Party Mix. It’s really good.
Have you ever been talking about books or movies with a group of people and one (or more) of them say something to the effect of “OMG! You HAVE to see/read this. It’s so good!” or “You haven’t seen/read it? It’s a classic!” or “WTF is wrong with you?”
I’ve done that before. But the more I thought about it, the more I realize that sentiment is really obnoxious. Just because I like something, doesn’t mean everyone will. Or should. Ain’t that great?
I think the last movie I gave into peer pressure to see was “Eyes Wide Shut”. There was so much hype about it – the 2 stars were married, and the director died – I guess I wanted to see what it was all about. I should have known better. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a big fan of either Tom Cruise or his then wife, Nicole Kidman. They are probably delightful people in real life. I just don’t like their acting style. That should have been my first clue to not see this movie. What I remember about it is that about half-way through, I wanted to stab my own eyes out, but not before hunting down the cold, dead corpse of the director and killing him again. That is 2+ hours of my life that I will never get back and someone should pay for that. Luckily, in this instance, I am certain that I am not alone in my opinion.
As far as other movies that I haven’t seen, but have been told that I HAVE TO SEE IT!! are (in no particular order):
- The Godfather (any of them)
- Star Trek/Wars (any of them) (and really, what is the difference between them??)
- A Christmas Story (I’ve seen parts of it, but not the whole thing)
- Anything Vampire-related
Movies that I have seen, but wish I hadn’t or have no wish to EVER see again:
- Dirty Dancing
- Grease (any of them)
- Gone with the Wind
- Little Miss Sunshine
- Anything starring the above mentioned actors
While we’re at it, let’s list TV shows I haven’t seen or have no wish to see:
- Lost
- American Idol
- Any of the cooking competitions
- Anything vampire-related
And now books:
- Gone with the Wind – read it after I saw the movie to find out if it was any better. Hated it.
- Anna Karenina – read it once. Hated it. A few years later, read it again to see if maybe I just hadn’t “gotten” it the first time. Hated it.
- The Kite Runner – couldn’t even finish it.
- The Hobbit and any of the LOTR books – tried reading the Hobbit a few times. Not interested. At all. Didn’t even bother with the LOTR books.
- Anything by Stephen King – I’ve read Misery and Pet Semetary. That’s enough. I don’t need to read any more.
I’m sure there are others in the above categories that I could add. That was just off the top of my head. And there might be people who are offended that I have disparaged their favorite book/movie/TV show. But I’m sure that there are others who would hate most of what I like to read or watch. So we’re even.
Which brings me to another classic. I’ve written about this before, and had added it to my list of New Year Intentions. I thought I would try to read War and Peace this year. It’s been on my book shelf for ages, as one of those “Well, it’s a classic and it’s supposed to be really good and how many people can say that they have read it?” type things. I picked it up earlier this week, all 1,500 pages of it, and started leafing through it. Turns out, I had forgotten that this book was by the same author that brought us Anna Karenina. GAH!
I thought originally, too, that as I read it, I could blog about it. Um, yeah. That is NOT going to happen. Why? Well, mostly because if you read my blog, I would like you to KEEP reading it, and that would just be cruel. I read 6 chapters and thought – there is NO WAY I will get through this. Ever. Back in the day, I would finish every book I started, just on principle. But then about 10-15 years ago, I decided that life is too short to read bad books. I have other things I could be doing and not slogging through some dreck just to say that I have read something. Even if that other thing is staring at my belly button.
So, dear readers, I will NOT be boring you with War and Peace synopses this year. Life is too short to read bad books. And while, Tolstoy is, no doubt, a prolific and much-loved author for many people, I don’t care for his writing style. Or his characters. Or his story development. Or his plot lines. So, I am putting down War and Peace, without guilt or sense of failure. My life will not become less enriched by having not read it, but it may become more enriched by what else I do read.
War and Peace has been crossed off my “To Do” list, and has been replaced with “Read or re-read the Classics (that you choose)”. So last night, I picked up Madame Bovary. I’ve already read more than I had in several nights of W&P. So, Mr. Tolstoy, I wish you and your fans much continued success. But I will not put anymore energy into thinking about you.
Oh, hello! Come in. It’s the last day for donuts, so take two. The next snack will be *gulp* good for you.
So, just like every single other blogger, I am going to look back to see what I accomplished over the last year. But unlike ever other blogger, my introspection will be fascinating, I’m sure. You know, like watching grass grow.
2009. What can we say about this year. I’ll be ending this year the same way I ended last year – at a hockey game. It’s something I love to do. It will get me out of the city before all the real craziness starts. I’ll take it.
2009 was the year I came out of my shell a little bit more. I joined Twitter, which, in all honesty, is the ultimate time suck/chat room. It’s silly. It’s stupid. It’s fun. It’s make-believe. I noticed the other day that I have tweeted more than 6,100 times. And of that? 99% have been silly and fluffy. But I got some laughs from it, so I’ll keep doing it. I can Tweet something that is authentically me and if someone doesn’t like it, I can click “unfollow” and eliminate the judgement.
I also started this blog in 2009. I had thought about blogging for years. I even attempted to do one before. But I didn’t ever tell anyone about it, or do it with any idea about how it would go. (Clearly, I know what I’m doing now. I’m practically fluent in blog these days. *heh*) I started this one with a lot of trepidation, a lot of fear, quietly. I didn’t know if anyone would read it, or if anyone would like it, or comment, or re-visit. And while my count of people who have visited my site is low by some standards, and my comments section has the honor of a few regular visitors, I am flattered and a little bit giddy about every single view that is listed. *Someone* is reading. And for all the times I have looked at it, whether to reference a previous post, or just to “check the stats” (don’t judge me), I still have had what I consider a huge number of visitors and I want to thank each of you.
Work wise, I bid farewell to the age of the Leg Jiggler, and ushered in Smiley. The Gas ‘n Sip became the Gas ‘n Stuff. I don’t remember anything huge happening, although I’m sure that at some point through the year, something huge happened and I was traumatized at the time. I’ll take my memories, or lack thereof, as they stand now, thank you very much.
I also, most recently, spent some time wallowing in my grief that Madame X is sick. She seems to be doing a teensy bit better, but I have also (mostly) wrapped my head around the fact that she may be leaving my life sooner, rather than later. I can (almost) say that now without sobbing violently. Big steps for me.
Oh! I almost forgot that 2009 was the year in which I shredded the credit cards. I still have balances that I am really trying to pay off, but no new debt. YAY me! It’s really hard to live without a credit card, can I just tell you? I almost wish I had saved one, but I’ve met me. And it was all or nothing. And all was the only real option. Now I really think about what I buy, and whether I need it, or can afford it, or can still pay my mortgage if I buy it. It’s made me appreciate that which I do buy so much more.
So 2010 is about 14 hours away. I’ve already written about the regular intentions that I foresee. I have been tossing it around my brain, too, lately that I may actually attempt to read…. wait for it…. the Bible. Both the Old and New Testaments. I’ve read parts of it. But never all the way thru. I think before I can say it’s great or sucks or somewhere in between, I should read it. I foresee it being a full year’s project. I’m sure there will be a lot of it that I don’t understand or “get” but that’s okay. And who knows. After that, I could move on to the Torah and the Koran. Who knows. I might as well learn about the religions that are affecting the world most these days.
The other book that I want to get through this year coming is War and Peace. I want to see what all the fuss is about. And if it will really take me 42 years to get through it. I’m not skeered….
And, speaking of skeered, I would like to make 2010 the year I faced my fears. But more in the way of you know when you are asked to do something and you immediately say “Nope, can’t.” or start sweating or curling into a fetal position while whimpering? Those kinds of fears. Public speaking. Figuring out what happened in my early thirties that has virtually erased a number of the years from my memory. Something must have happened, however uneventful. What was it? Those types of fears. Not the “I’m afraid of bugs and heights” types of fears. I’ll save that for another time.
Will I achieve success with these intentions? I think I already have by putting them in writing. And however far I get in the reading of either the Bible or W&P, I will have made the start. Better than looking at them and thinking “Someday…”
So, 2009 was pretty uneventful in a lot of ways. And I’m starting 2010 with big goals. I hope that this time next year, I will be able to check off at least some of those as “Wins”.
And to you, my lovely, wonderful readers, I wish for you a 2010 of wonder and joy and health and laughter and love. I hope you all get what you ask for from the Universe and that it makes your life full and fabulous.
And however you are celebrating this evening, do it with loved ones, safely, and fully. I want to see all of you back here next year.
xoxo
Oh, hello! Have some trail mix. Sorry, I haven’t been shopping in a while.
Well, so much for posting more, huh? Honestly, though, even as scarce as I have been lately, I still manage to post more frequently than others…. just sayin…
And so, another year is drawing to a close. Was it everything you hoped it would be? Did you stick with your New Year’s resolutions longer than it took you to write them down? Was it full of good, joy, and happiness? Or were you challenged with sadness, loss, and grief?
I know people who fit any, all, and none of those classifications. I hope your year, as you sit and reflect nurse your hangover on January 1st, finds that you are in a better place than you were one year ago.
My year was relatively stable. Of course I had the usual intentions of ending the year thinner, happier, richer, and more in love than I started it. The one intention that I did manage to keep, and it is not difficult, is to read a greater number of books this year than last. I have managed to do that for several years now, and will continue to do so.
This year’s NYE plans are the same as last year’s. I’ll be at a hockey game, then home before all the drunk, crazy people get behind the wheels of their vehicles and attempt to kill people drive home to the next bar. I’m all for having a cocktail and having fun, but when your “fun” impedes my ability to be safe? Then, you suck.
Another of my intentions for the upcoming year is to rid my home of everything that I don’t absolutely love. If I haven’t used it, worn it, looked at it, thought about it, or needed it in the past 12 months, I will be either donating it or trying to sell it on eBay. (If it doesn’t sell on eBay, it will be going into the donate pile.) I’m sick of moving “things” from one room to another. I’m clearing the decks, so to speak.
As far as the requisite “get thinner/healthier” intention goes, I’m sure there will be some form of that on my list. But that goes hand-in-hand with my learning to accept who I am over what I look like intention, so I think “Get healthier” will encompass mind, body, and soul. I’ll still be me, just an improved version of me.
So, what will your goals/intentions/resolutions be for 2010? Are you sticking with the traditional ones? Or are you going to stretch your boundaries a little and do something new?
Oh, hello! Help yourself to some hot wings and fries. Good stuff.
I had to force myself to not do the ugly cry tonight.
Almost three years ago, Madam X started to not feel well. We didn’t know what was going on, but she kept getting worse. She was tired all the time, her spleen was enlarged, her mental faculties were diminishing. She was gray. There’s no other way to accurately describe how she looked.
After six months or so of living like this and slowly deteriorating, Madam X was taken into the hospital emergency room. Her spleen was of a size that warranted immediate surgery. Since so much blood had been diverted to her spleen, she wasn’t able to think clearly. That explained her inability to think clearly and remember things and walk more than a block without needing to sit down. While they were in there, digging around, they found out that Madam X has cancer. Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.
During that time, Madam X and Mister Y were in the process of selling the house in which they had lived for more than 40 years. They were moving into a smaller house that was newer and more manageable. There was a lot going on. Madam X was going through chemo, moving,. Everyone was completely stressed. Luckily, the cancer was caught early enough that radiation wasn’t needed in addition to the chemo. We were all really hopeful.
After the chemo, Madam X went into remission. She recovered slowly, but we were convinced that it was a blip on the radar. Every checkup seemed to be a reaffirmation of this, as the blood tests showed that all counts were good and this vile disease was being defeated.
This past summer, Madam X started to not feel good again. She was tired all the time. She didn’t want to go to the doctor until her regularly scheduled checkup, despite me begging her to do so. I think she knew, better than anyone, what the results were going to be. I should have known. So, in September, when she should have found out that, yet again, she was clear, she instead found out that the cancer is back.
Her doctor seemed to be optimistic and encouraging. Chemo was scheduled for every three weeks for 6 courses. The doctor said this was going to take care of it. I’ve been watching Madam X during all of this and I see that she’s not recovering as well this time. She remains tired all the time. She is certainly not bouncing back as quickly. I can feel my heart breaking.
Thanksgiving is coming up. Madam X does not want to, or can’t, do such an event. Her daughter suggested that we all go out for dinner instead. But even that seems like too much for Madam X. The last time I spoke with her daughter, she callously shot off a “She probably won’t be alive for it next year, so we should do something.”
(Pausing for the ugly cry now…. brb…)
I’m back.
So ever since, that statement has been on my mind. I asked Madam X’s son if he thought that statement was accurate too. He said that he didn’t think it would be that soon, but that it was coming. Hence, the ugly cry.
I love Madam X more than anyone else on the planet. She has been there for me through everything – good, bad, or indifferent. She has been an inspiration. She has been my cheerleader, my leveler, my hero, and my friend.
I know that, at 42, I am of an age where people in my life will be getting sick and/or dying. But in this situation, I feel like I am 12. I should be mature enough to handle this. Of course I will be sad. Of course it will hurt. But do I need to have a complete meltdown at just the THOUGHT of this person not being in my life? People die all the time, and their loved ones go on. They go on with life, with love, with living. They don’t lose their sh*t.
I don’t want to hurry this process along, but how am I going to deal with this brilliant, lovely, loving woman not being in my life? I need to find a way to hold it together the next time I see her, the next time we get together for breakfast. I mean, if I am this much of a mess as a result of some off-hand, snotty remark by Madam X’s daughter, what will I do when the real thing happens?
I am angry and sad and I know that it is completely unfair that this woman is sick. She has worked hard her entire life. She has given everything to her family and her children. She never asks for anything in return. She is kind, and loving, and sweet, and (normally) full of life.
Tonight, this is my struggle. This is my challenge. This is my reason for sobbing.
Madam X deserves better. She deserves to reach the end of her life surrounded by joy and beauty and love. She doesn’t deserve to have this horrible disease get the best of her.
Madam X, I love you and I want you to get better. And if fate is cruel and doesn’t allow that to happen, I want you to know that you will be with me forever – as a constant reminder of how to live, as a good and true person. I can only hope to, one day, be a fraction of the woman you are.
Oh, hello! Have some tea and a cookie.
I have been noticing lately that some of the shows on television that I claim to love aren’t doing it for me anymore. And I don’t know why that is.
Is it because the writing has gotten worse, or changed somehow so that it seems worse to me? Has my tolerance for violent cop shops diminished to the point where I have no desire to watch? Have my tastes changed so dramatically over the summer that these shows could go off the air, and I’d be okay with that? What’s really going on here?
Criminal Minds used to be at the top of my list. I loved it when Mandy Patinkin was on it. I think he’s brilliant anyway though. But the stories were good and very thought-provoking, I thought. Sure, there was violence – that’s what crime shows show. But it’s gotten really bad. It’s not on my DVR list any more.
CSI (the original one) doesn’t hold my interest either. And it’s not because Sara and Grissom left. I was THRILLED when they left. And I love Laurence Fishburn. He’s fabulous. I really think that the writing on that show has gotten really bad. And I don’t need the special effects autopsy scenes. That doesn’t add to my enjoyment, even a little. In fact, it makes me gag a little. So come on, CSI writers, bring back the awesome scripts!
NCIS LA is a new one this season. I am an admitted late comer to NCIS anyway, but I like the show. I could do without Gibbs smacking them on the head, and the other two always picking on McGee, but over all, I like the show. I thought it would be cool to see another city. But I just cannot get interested in these characters. I’m not dissing Chris O’Donnell or LL Cool J, but the characters they have been given are NOT engaging, IMO. That’s off the list. (Oh, and if the original NCIS keeps bringing back Mike Franks? That’s off the list too. Don’t like his character, at all.)
Even some of the other new shows. Accidentally on Purpose is new this season. I love Jenna Elfman. I was so excited to see her on TV again. I haven’t stopped recording the show, because I really hope it will get better. It just doesn’t. The story is trite. And the scenarios are annoying and unrealistic, at best. I would be very surprised if this got a second season.
Eastwick is another new one that I had high hopes for. But after this weeks episode, I will very likely be off it’s viewer list. The acting is just SO BAD! I’m sorry Rebecca Rjomin (or whatever). You’re really pretty and all. But acting? Not so much.
That’s enough complaining about TV for now. And I know what you are thinking. If I don’t like it, I don’t have to watch it. But really – how many books can one girl read? I’m on track for 75 +/- this year. Turning off the TV to read isn’t a choice. Yeah, I can blog. I can journal. I could probably even learn to knit, but sometimes, you just need to slip into something mindlessly entertaining. So, it’s the “entertaining” part I’m struggling with.
Oh, hello! Lovely salad today. Dressing on the side.
I used to be fun. Honest.
Back in the day, I would get dressed up and go out with my friends. We’d drink, and dance, and laugh, and pick up boys (who wanted to be men.) The night would be considered young at 10pm. Heck, we wouldn’t even leave the house until after 10. That was back when people could still smoke in bars – you’d come home reeking of cigarettes, and need to take a shower. Sleep (or pass out) for a few hours, then start making plans to do it all again.
But, somewhere along the way, my fun got broken. I’ve been trying to figure out what happened to it, and when, but the thought of going out and being jostled in a loud, too crowded bar holds all the appeal of the cats chewing my toes off. Maybe it’s a function of getting older, or the after effects of being betrayed by the above mentioned friends, or the result of acquiring more mature friends, or being more choosy with who I do consider a friend, but my fun seems to be gone. (I know I previously described how I suck at the whole “I wanna be your friend” thing, so I won’t go there.)(Okay, just one thing about that – if someone calls to go to lunch or dinner or whatever, and I am not *completely* sure they are among my handful of friends? I experience something that can only be described as a mild panic attack. Seriously. WTF is wrong with me??)
Now, it seems that “going out” is more around the happy hour time frame. A lovely night is home, with a book. Dinner out? I’d love for it to be done by 8pm. Bed? On a school night, I like nothing more than to be in bed by 9, reading. Weekends? It’s later, but still not the crazy early morning hours of the next day. It’s a very low-key, comfortable existence.
But the more I think about my fun and what happened to it, I realize that what I have really *is* just an existence. Sure, it’s comfortable, it works (sort of), it’s somewhat lonely, but I’m not really *living*. I do have fun when I go out with my true friends. Or when I go to the hockey games with Herb. I really do. But how do I get out of my head, stop over analyzing every word/look/gesture with the ones who haven’t forced their way in. (And let’s face it – they do have to force their way in. And for those that have? Thank goat they did. I cherish them.)
Maybe once I stop expecting the worst from people, or suspecting the worst of myself, I will be able to find the instructions and fix my fun. I just hope that all the years of sweeping it into the corner, and moving it from one apartment to another, from one state to another, and finally to this house, haven’t permanently crushed it. I suspect the pieces have been pretty disintegrated and crushed, but maybe not irreparably harmed. Hopefully, with a little bottle of self-love, a healthy-sized box of kind words, and a final rinse-off of trust, my fun will re-emerge as some shadow of its former self. Maybe then, I will be able to water it daily, play it good music, feed it good food, and have it return stronger than before. To be clear, I have no desire to relive the crazy days of leaving the house at 10pm and driving home (usually drunk. I know. You don’t have to say it. I KNOW!) several hours later. But I do want to not be suspicious of people and their motives. I do want to know that I have something to offer/contribute. I do want to hear myself laugh until my tum hurts.
I miss my fun. I hope it hasn’t given up all hope. After all, I did keep it with me for all this time, despite my neglect. That should count for something, right?
Oh, hello! Help yourself to some beef stew. Mum made it.
So, after having read Debra’s brilliant post, I was inspired to straighten/clean/discard/sort through my stuff. It’s slow going, but the end result is worth it. This past weekend, I tackled, among other things, the front closet. More specifically, the shelf in the closet with all the really important winter scarves, etc thrown up there into a ball.
What did I learn? Bottom line? I have a problem. Turns out, I have eleventy jillion scarves. All beautiful. All ones I think I love. Also? I have 24,000 baseball hats. Which, you know. Good thing. Because I only regularly wear 3 of them. What. The. Heck? What do I need this much stuff for? Yes, I love the scarves. And yes, I still wear a lot of them. I could probably sell them on eBay, but it would break my heart to let them go to someone potentially yucky!
Earlier in the week, I had been wondering to myself why I still had so much outstanding debt. Um, duh, Mary. Why do you think you have so much debt?? (Yeah, I’m talking to myself. Don’t judge.) At least now, I have cut up my credit cards and can’t rack up more.(That’s a whole other post.)
I also recently went through all my purses, and weeded those out. And shoes. And I’ve been going through my clothes as I change them out for the season. It really is freeing to get rid of “things”. I think I’ve said it before, but I read somewhere recently that you should have in your life only things that enrich your life, and make you feel wonderful. Trying to eliminate things that don’t fit that bill is a worthwhile challenge, and one that I endorse heartily. It still isn’t easy, and I will continue to chip away at the rest of my clearly necessary stuff that I don’t even remember I own.
What will remain will be all things that I love. And make me smile. As it should be.
MagAndMoo's Blog 