Oh, hello! Come in. We’re having hummus and pita. YUM!
Oh, and don’t mind ~Moo~… It seems her participle is dangling. *blush*
I thought this was a tough one. I don’t have kids (that I know of) and I’m not married. So I am not living for them.
I’ve already written about my mom and that she is my hero. So maybe her.
I think until I started Reform School, I had no idea who I was living for, or why, for that matter. But I’m living for me. I’m living so that I can experience things and maybe matter to someone in this world in some small way.
For the first time in a long time, I can feel the cobwebs shaking off and I’m going to really start living.
And Mean Marcy is going to help me.
Oh, and I do live for the Wonder Twins. They need me and in no small way, I need them.
Tomorrow: Day 8: Someone who made your life hell.
Oh hello! Come in and have some soup.
Today: Something I hope I never have to do in my life
I don’t ever want to have to….
– dig worms for bait
– be a food taster at a hot dog plant
– be a maid at a frat house
– be responsible for keeping movie stars off drugs
or
– be the cause of someone else’s emotional or physical pain.
Tomorrow: someone who has made your life living for
Oh, hello! Come in. Scrambled eggs and bacon are ready.
So… Day 5: Something I hope to do in my life.
I want to live in Paris and in Ireland.
I went to Paris on vacation in 2001 and fell in love with the city. It was probably the best vacation I have ever taken. I want to live there because
- Duh, it’s Paris
- I want to learn to speak French. I think it’s such a beautiful language
- Just the whole culture and energy and history of the city
I also want to live in Ireland. My mother is from Ireland and when I went there, I felt at home, immediately. The people there were so friendly and welcoming. I’m not sure which part of the country I would like to live in, but I can decide that later.
Tomorrow: something you hope you never have to do.
Oh, hello! Come in and have some tea and yogurt. It’s the yummy Greek kind.
So… something I forgive someone else for….
I bet you think I am going to write about Mr. F*ck Off, from yesterday. Nah, that’s too easy. I’ve forgiven that long ago.
No, this is bigger. Today, I am going to forgive the boy who took my innocence. The boy, for he was only 15 to my 16, who, after a “date” at a movie, didn’t listen when I said NO. Over and over, I said NO. And yet he kept on until he was done. The boy who didn’t give me the option of losing my virginity to someone lovely. The boy who instead took it from me without my permission in the front seat of a Chevy Malibu.
That event lost me “friends” who didn’t believe me when I told them what he did. It eroded my self-worth as I thought that was how I deserved to be treated. It led me to make decisions that I wouldn’t have otherwise made. And while I can’t regret the things I have done as the result of that event, since they made me who I am now, I can wonder how things might be different for me now.
And so, Mike, I forgive you for raping me. I forgive you for changing the course of my life. But I have spent way too much time and energy on thinking of you and then and it. You are being evicted. I will never forget what happened, but it’s been almost 28 years now. This baggage is heavy and I’m not going to carry it anymore. I said NO then and you didn’t listen. I’m saying NO MORE now and you don’t have a choice.
Tomorrow: something you hope to do in your life
Oh, hello! Come in. Have a piece of cinnamon swirl cake. And tea.
Day 3: Something I have to forgive myself for.
Back in the day, I gave up my power to men. I let them use me. I changed myself to fit what it was I thought they wanted. I put my life on hold to wait for them – to call, to come over, to pay me the least little bit of attention. Even then, I didn’t think it was necessarily right but I thought that it was all I deserved.
The last man I was involved with was quite a while ago. It was more of the same. I gave him all of the power. The last time we spoke was the last time we spoke. It didn’t start out as a fight. But it ended with me saying “I love you” and him telling me to “F*ck off”.
I’ll wait while you digest that.
As a result of my experiences, I have been alone a long time. I have also not taken care of myself physically because what’s the point? I say I love you and get told to f*ck off? It’s pretty devastating, mentally.
I forgive myself for allowing that to happen. I didn’t think I deserved more. I liked having a man around. It was better to have “him” around than not. I forgive myself for letting him devastate me like that. I want my power back. I want to feel like myself again.
Tomorrow: Something to forgive someone for.
Oh, hello! Waffles and coffee are ready if you are interested.
Today: Something you love about yourself
I love my laugh. I love my giggle. I love how easily I laugh. Even when things are yucky, if something strikes my funny bone, I will laugh.
Some people at the Gas ‘n Sip think that isn’t professional of me. My feeling on that? We spend so much time at work, if we can’t have fun, life will be miserable.
It’s okay to laugh. I love the deep belly laughs that come from a good joke. I also love those laughs when you are laughing so hard, you can’t breathe. Tears come down your cheeks. You might even pee a little.
And those silly times when you just can’t stop giggling. Every time you think about it again, you start giggling again. Love.
Tomorrow: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Oh, hello. Again. Good grief, I’m prolific this week! I think some wine is in order. Or sparkling cider for those who don’t imbibe.
Before I start, I want to say thank you to Moo for pushing me to do this. Starting today. Honestly, I was only going to start tomorrow for *her*. Give her a chance to think about things. Honestly.
Something I hate about myself:
I hate that I cannot control my eating. I eat very fast and way too much, according to defined “portion sizes”. And when it comes to processed sugar? Forget it. Even as I continue to shovel into my face, I recognize how gross it is and that I should stop. But I can’t. Until it’s either gone or I am just this side of wanting to puke, I keep eating.
I know that I just shouldn’t buy it, what ever it is. But it’s like I become possessed. And one is rarely enough. I buy 2 of whatever it is, knowing that the first one will be gone within the hour.
That’s a thing I hate about myself.
Oh, and I’m physically lazy.
Tomorrow:
Something I love about myself.
Oh, hello! I”m on quite a roll, aren’t I? The bagels are fresh and the cream cheese is whipped. Help yourself.
Ok, Universe. I get it! Seriously. I can’t stop giggling at how blind I have been.
Firstly, my Angel gave me the gift of changing my life.
Secondly, I came across what I think might be the theme song of my Inner Wisdom (and, I swear to Cod, it just came on my playlist. Right. Now!) Relentless by Audrye Sessions. Check it out.
Thirdly, the lovely and talented DailySnark had this post yesterday. Originally, I thought about doing it, but in journal form. But, I might do it here. If Scaredy Kat lets me. (She’s part of Mean Marcy’s crew.)
And today, here, there was this post. I have never read this blog before. And usually, I just skim the “headlines” on the DailyBrainstorm.
I feel like I’m getting bombarded with the pom-poms the Wonder Twins play with. (Pom-poms, because they don’t hurt. They make me giggle.)
Mean Marcy and her crew don’t stand a chance.
Oh, hello! I made sandwiches. Help yourself.
Last night was the first “class” of Reform School. It was exciting and fun and scary.
We learned more about inner mean girls and the sort of categories into which they fit. Turns out, I have no less than 7 mean girls with me. All the time.
This week’s assignment is to get to know our mean girls. You might think you know her (them), but do you? Really?
So far I have met one. She is the leader. She bosses me and all the other mean girls around. Her name is Mean Marcy.
She keeps me from EVERYTHING. Why walk when I won’t lose the weight anyway. Why try new things when being afraid is what I know now. Marcy has been very busy.
I need Marcy to go on vacation. A long one. And she needs to take her friends with her. I’m exhausted from listening to her and all her lies.
I’m realizing that this post won’t make sense to many of you. (You know, because there *are* so many of you. *heh*) (Thank you for stopping by, BTW.) So I’ll keep it short. Marcy has some explaining to do. And the others need to introduce themselves to me.
Maybe then I will get to put some of those lies to rest. And I can show the world my fabulousness.
Oh hello! Yes, I’m here again so soon. The tea is fresh. Help yourself.
If you’ve spent any time here at all, you know that I am ridiculously hard on myself. My self-esteem hovers near non-existent. And generally speaking, I am lazy. I have posted before that I need to make a change and I get lonely, and blah blah blah… until even *I* am sick of myself.
Well, I also spend a lot of time trolling around on other people blogs and clicking links to things they like. By doing that, somehow, I had come across this. Over the summer, I even signed up for the 40-day cleanse. But, continuing a familiar pattern, I didn’t follow through because I wasn’t held accountable by anyone. (Not even myself.) And I hadn’t told anyone that I was doing it. Part of this website talks about the Inner Mean Girl Reform School. It’s a 10-week program to help you stop being so hard on yourself, enjoy your life, and to feel successful. BRILLIANT!!
Yeah, except, again, continuing a familiar pattern, I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR IT. GAH!!
And then.
I have a birth mark on my forehead that is usually not visible. It used to be when I was little, but very rarely now. It’s in the shape of an angel. When I was little, I thought it was to remind me that I have a guardian angel protecting me. But as the mark faded, I forgot about it. And I forgot about my angel. On Sunday, as I was getting ready for my weekly visit to my parents, she was back. My angel was back. She is still faint, but I could see her again. I wondered if she was back for a reason, but then set that aside and went on with my day.
I found out on Monday why my angel appeared again. She was reminding me that I do, in fact, have angels working for me.
How do I know this?
Monday evening, while sprawled on the sofa watching (very likely) another NCIS* repeat, I got a Tweet from an angel. She wanted to know if I would attend the Inner Mean Girl Reform School with her, as her guest. It would be her gift to me. (I would tell you who it is, but I’m not sure she wants that, so I will keep my angel’s real name a secret. Henceforth, she will be referred to as Angel.)
I immediately burst into tears. And almost fell off the couch. Here was this woman, whom I have never met IRL, offering to in essence GIVE ME MONEY TO CHANGE MY LIFE. What? Really?
WHO DOES THAT???
Angels do.
Angel and I have “known” each other only for about a year. We Tweet frequently. We have spoken on the phone occasionally. We have read each other’s blogs often. I wouldn’t say we know each other well, but evidently, Angel saw something in me that told her I am worth her time and money.
I. Was. Floored.
No one has ever done something like this for me before. And as anyone who knows me knows, I don’t typically accept things like this. From anyone. Sure. Buy me a coffee or a lunch once in a while, (and I will reciprocate), but this? Normally, it makes me uncomfortable.
This was different. I didn’t get that feeling of “Oh she just feels sorry for me” or whatever. I just knew that she sincerely wanted to give me this gift, that it made her happy to do so. And it felt right. I know that if I were a better money manager, this is something *I* would offer to do for someone, but I didn’t know I was worth it. (And someday? I will do this for someone. Pay it forward. It’s the right thing to do.)
So I said yes. And cried some more. (It’s what I do. Apparently.)
So, starting tonight, and for the next 10 weeks, I will be back in school. Reform school. What am I hoping to get out of it? I hope to be able to tell my Inner Mean Girl to STFU (nicely of course… *batting eyelashes innocently*). I want to stop hearing all the negative things that go on in my head. I want to find the motivation to get off of the couch and walk. I want to replace all the negative cuck (It’s a word. Shut up.) with positive stuff. And remind myself that I am worth it.
Part of this process is to solicit support from people. So, instead of hiding on my sofa, in front of the computer, here I am. Putting it out there. I am going to Reform School and will be making positive changes in my life. I am going to need your support. (Yes. I’m looking at you… and you.) I will slip up and I need you to call me out. (But kindly, please.) And I would like to share with you what I’m going through. I hope you will help me and accept me and support me. (And if you can, join me! Sign up, too!) (No, I didn’t get paid to say that…. le sigh.)
Anyway. That’s what is going on here. And in about a week, I get to meet Angel, in person, for the first time. She is coming to visit me! And I’m sure I’ll cry again.
Thank you, Angel, from the bottom of my heart. You have given me a gift that I can never repay. I hope I am worth it. And I hope I deserve it. And I look forward to going to Reform School with you.
*One of Tony’s lines has stuck with me. And I think it’s kind of appropriate here: If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got. If you want something different, you need to do different.
Who knew Tony DiNozzo could be so profound?
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