I haven’t been around much. I promised myself I wouldn’t post just for the sake of posting. I want to get away from posting just crap. Hopefully, this won’t be that.
I am 33 days free of processed sugar. WOOT! For the most part, it has seemed pretty easy to do. There are days, like today, where it seems I would kick a small child for a donut. But, even with that, I know I wouldn’t like it. And won’t get one.
I feel I have to add the “processed” adjective because there are some negative people around who insist that “there’s sugar in everything.” Or “There is sugar in fruit.” Yes, but the sugar in fruit is not processed to within an inch of its life, is it? And last I checked fruit is good for you. Or at least better for you than a donut.
*****
Speaking of those people… I am going to really try to eliminate such negativity from my life. If you feel the need to be negative and not support me, I feel the need to not associate with you. You are welcome to your opinions; encouraged to have them, in fact. I just choose to not be around you. It all falls in line with my word of the year: KINDness. I am trying to be KINDer to myself and others. And you don’t meet that requirement. I will remain cordial to you, but you no longer warrant further interaction.
*****
Speaking of KIND….This has been working out very well for me this year. One month in, and I am still going strong. My attitude is better, my eating habits are better, my interactions with others are (mostly) better. I feel lighter, and I am noticing that I am looking brighter. My eyes are not as dull. I like this. It’s fun to be KIND and friendly to others. I did miss an opportunity to be KIND the other day at Starbucks, but I’ll not miss it the next time.
*****
REALLY random question of the day: I was watching the Closer the other night (I love that show!), and this question occurred to me. The main character is a wine drinker, and her husband is a recovering alcoholic. Yes, I know they are just playing roles, but it made me wonder about this in a real life situation. If a person takes a drink, and then kisses an alcoholic, does it trigger something in them? Or is it not the same thing? I really don’t know. Perhaps this is a silly question, but I think about these things.
*****
What else?
Oh, I have been doing my Morning Pages for about a month now. These are my 2 pages of journaling in the mornings. It’s really been good. Honestly, I have fallen down on it of late, but I’m getting back to it. It really helps me get a focus for the day and to replenish my soul. Sometimes I feel really depleted after it seems like I have been giving to everyone else. My Morning Pages help me take care of myself so that I can take care of others.
*****
Lately, I have been attending a lot of my nephew’s basketball games. He’s a junior in HS, and is a starter. He has gotten so much better and had turned out to be such a nice kid. He’s respectful of his grandmother, which I love. And he has the most adorable girlfriend! And she’s respectful too. It’s delightful to see that in 16-17 year olds! It restores my faith in youth.
*****
I think that’s it. That’s what I’ve been up to. Perhaps I’ll have a “real” post here again soon. Until then, hugs all around!
So….
The focus of my year, as I’ve mentioned, is kindness. To be kinder to myself and others.
One of the ways I have been kinder to myself is to eat better. I realized the other day, that quite without trying, I had not eaten anything processed or pre-packaged since the beginning of the new year. I knew I wanted to eat better things, and evidently that, coupled with my intent to eliminate processed sugar, led me to eat only things that are “real”. Go me!
As an aside, after that realization, I ate pizza before a hockey game. Dear goat. It was SO good, but SO filling. I had 2 1/2 slices (cut a 3rd in half) at around 5:30 and was full until morning. Who knew?
But I had another realization last night, when I was hit with a wave of loneliness so big that I thought I was being suffocated. Unless I wanted to get out of bed and saute up some Brussel sprouts or asparagus, I was going to have to actually “feel” this feeling and see where it took me. You see, previously, I would have gotten myself a snack of ice cream or chips or something else, and numbed my mind so that the feeling of loneliness would be crushed back down and I could go on as usual.
Not having the snack to anesthetize myself forced me to ride the wave. I cried. I hugged Maggie and Seamus. I journaled. I was able to get the feeling out. To go through it and experience it. At the time, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all. I REALLY wanted a snack. But since I hadn’t bought any, I couldn’t. Once the wave subsided, and I was able to gain a little distance, I knew that this is a good thing.
Actually feeling your feelings. Whoda thunk that such a simple concept would be so profound? I didn’t. For more years that I care to admit, I have eaten my feelings. I don’t want to do that anymore. I won’t do that anymore. (Because, really. You can’t mask feelings with vegetables, let’s be honest. ) So, my pledge for 2011: feel whatever comes up. Look at it. Examine it. Then put it down and let it go. I know it won’t be easy. I know I will stumble and reach for that… um… popcorn, I guess. But, with my sincere apologies to REO Speedwagon, it’s time for me to fly, and I can’t do that with all this baggage.
Wish me luck. This is gonna be good. I can tell.
Goodbye 2010.
That seems to be the consensus from most people I follow on Twitter and also the 3D people I know. It seems the outgoing year was less than kind to many people. It was a year of parents passing, children passing, relationships ending, broken bones, broken hearts, and other general events of suck.
However, this past year was also a year of good things: babies born, weddings, new jobs, new relationships and other events of YAY. And, quite honestly, these things, in both categories, were all experienced by people I know.
I’m not going to pretend this is a “normal” year in review or recap or look back. I am also not going to do a look ahead at all the things I want for the coming year. One would be trite and the other would be presumptive.
What I will say is that while 2010 may have been horrible for so many, and yet so tremendous for so many others, here is my hope for 2011 for all.
I hope for all that the new year is filled with excitement, love, challenge, growth, health, happiness and adventure. I hope each person is I encounter experiences kindness and wonder and some level of bliss.
There will be times when things will be horrible. There will be times when things are beyond wonderful. But, in my opinion, ALL of these events will help each of us to become more full, more well-rounded, better people. We will learn how to better treat each other, and how to treat ourselves. This is my goal for the new year. Based on this post by one of my favorite people on the planet, KINDNESS is my word for the new year. I want people to be kinder – with themselves and with each other.
Please approach the new year gently and kindly. There will still be bad things, and old hurts, but my wish for you and for the planet is to be kind and to have the best, most interesting year possible.
I know I’m going to try to do that.
Hi. I’m Mary, and I’m addicted to sugar.
Hi Mary!
I’m sure I have spoken about this here before. Of course I have. This blog is about me. And I am somewhat self-absorbed. *heh*
So, anyway. I am addicted to processed sugar. And it’s gotten so much worse. So, as of midnight, I am done. I am going cold turkey.
There will be some relapses, but starting today, I am detoxing. Why today and not January 1? Because I have the next 4 days off and I know that I will have headaches and be really bitchy and irritable and I figured the fewer people who have to be exposed to me during this, the better.
So if you see me on Twitter and I am crankier than normal, I apologize. I’ll be better soon. And then my sweetness with be genuine, not processed.
Talk soon.
Oh, hello. Have a finger sandwich.
I had every intention of continuing the 30 Days of Truth today.
But I just found out that the 5-year-old daughter of a coworker passed away yesterday. And my heart is broken for the family.
I follow people on Twitter who have lost children, and recognized the tragedy of the situation. But I don’t “know” those people and that made it so easy to go on, unaffected. Actually knowing, and interacting, with the parent that has the horror of burying one of their children makes it so much more real. So much more horrible.
I don’t have kids. So I will never *really* know the depth of love and attachment that parents have for their kids. I can try to imagine it, but I recognize that even my imagination will never come close.
So, my dear coworker, my heart and thoughts go out to you today. I will forever be in awe of your strength for going on after this unimaginable tragedy. I wish there was some way to make it “better”, but there isn’t. You are now forever changed and your world will likely never be as bright.
And to all of those I follow on Twitter, and anyone else, who have had the unfortunate experience of this, know that I now will not read your story and move on, unaffected. I will recognize that your world, too, is forever broken. And while you may go on, I know that it will never be exactly right again.
Oh, hello! Come in and have some tea and yogurt. It’s the yummy Greek kind.
So… something I forgive someone else for….
I bet you think I am going to write about Mr. F*ck Off, from yesterday. Nah, that’s too easy. I’ve forgiven that long ago.
No, this is bigger. Today, I am going to forgive the boy who took my innocence. The boy, for he was only 15 to my 16, who, after a “date” at a movie, didn’t listen when I said NO. Over and over, I said NO. And yet he kept on until he was done. The boy who didn’t give me the option of losing my virginity to someone lovely. The boy who instead took it from me without my permission in the front seat of a Chevy Malibu.
That event lost me “friends” who didn’t believe me when I told them what he did. It eroded my self-worth as I thought that was how I deserved to be treated. It led me to make decisions that I wouldn’t have otherwise made. And while I can’t regret the things I have done as the result of that event, since they made me who I am now, I can wonder how things might be different for me now.
And so, Mike, I forgive you for raping me. I forgive you for changing the course of my life. But I have spent way too much time and energy on thinking of you and then and it. You are being evicted. I will never forget what happened, but it’s been almost 28 years now. This baggage is heavy and I’m not going to carry it anymore. I said NO then and you didn’t listen. I’m saying NO MORE now and you don’t have a choice.
Tomorrow: something you hope to do in your life
Oh, hello! Come in. Have a piece of cinnamon swirl cake. And tea.
Day 3: Something I have to forgive myself for.
Back in the day, I gave up my power to men. I let them use me. I changed myself to fit what it was I thought they wanted. I put my life on hold to wait for them – to call, to come over, to pay me the least little bit of attention. Even then, I didn’t think it was necessarily right but I thought that it was all I deserved.
The last man I was involved with was quite a while ago. It was more of the same. I gave him all of the power. The last time we spoke was the last time we spoke. It didn’t start out as a fight. But it ended with me saying “I love you” and him telling me to “F*ck off”.
I’ll wait while you digest that.
As a result of my experiences, I have been alone a long time. I have also not taken care of myself physically because what’s the point? I say I love you and get told to f*ck off? It’s pretty devastating, mentally.
I forgive myself for allowing that to happen. I didn’t think I deserved more. I liked having a man around. It was better to have “him” around than not. I forgive myself for letting him devastate me like that. I want my power back. I want to feel like myself again.
Tomorrow: Something to forgive someone for.
Oh, hello! Waffles and coffee are ready if you are interested.
Today: Something you love about yourself
I love my laugh. I love my giggle. I love how easily I laugh. Even when things are yucky, if something strikes my funny bone, I will laugh.
Some people at the Gas ‘n Sip think that isn’t professional of me. My feeling on that? We spend so much time at work, if we can’t have fun, life will be miserable.
It’s okay to laugh. I love the deep belly laughs that come from a good joke. I also love those laughs when you are laughing so hard, you can’t breathe. Tears come down your cheeks. You might even pee a little.
And those silly times when you just can’t stop giggling. Every time you think about it again, you start giggling again. Love.
Tomorrow: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Oh, hello! I”m on quite a roll, aren’t I? The bagels are fresh and the cream cheese is whipped. Help yourself.
Ok, Universe. I get it! Seriously. I can’t stop giggling at how blind I have been.
Firstly, my Angel gave me the gift of changing my life.
Secondly, I came across what I think might be the theme song of my Inner Wisdom (and, I swear to Cod, it just came on my playlist. Right. Now!) Relentless by Audrye Sessions. Check it out.
Thirdly, the lovely and talented DailySnark had this post yesterday. Originally, I thought about doing it, but in journal form. But, I might do it here. If Scaredy Kat lets me. (She’s part of Mean Marcy’s crew.)
And today, here, there was this post. I have never read this blog before. And usually, I just skim the “headlines” on the DailyBrainstorm.
I feel like I’m getting bombarded with the pom-poms the Wonder Twins play with. (Pom-poms, because they don’t hurt. They make me giggle.)
Mean Marcy and her crew don’t stand a chance.
Oh, hello! I made sandwiches. Help yourself.
Last night was the first “class” of Reform School. It was exciting and fun and scary.
We learned more about inner mean girls and the sort of categories into which they fit. Turns out, I have no less than 7 mean girls with me. All the time.
This week’s assignment is to get to know our mean girls. You might think you know her (them), but do you? Really?
So far I have met one. She is the leader. She bosses me and all the other mean girls around. Her name is Mean Marcy.
She keeps me from EVERYTHING. Why walk when I won’t lose the weight anyway. Why try new things when being afraid is what I know now. Marcy has been very busy.
I need Marcy to go on vacation. A long one. And she needs to take her friends with her. I’m exhausted from listening to her and all her lies.
I’m realizing that this post won’t make sense to many of you. (You know, because there *are* so many of you. *heh*) (Thank you for stopping by, BTW.) So I’ll keep it short. Marcy has some explaining to do. And the others need to introduce themselves to me.
Maybe then I will get to put some of those lies to rest. And I can show the world my fabulousness.
MagAndMoo's Blog 