I am restless.
Fidgety.
I can’t concentrate on any one thing.
Is agitated the right word?
I’m searching.
Searching.
Searching.
And it’s just out of my reach.
What is “it”?
What is it that I am trying to find?
Achieve?
Capture?
Reach?
Will I ever get there?
Will I even know when I do?
How do I find the stillness to stop and listen?
Miss me?
*****
I have 4,396 blank journals. I think it’s a borderline sickness. I love buying them. I love looking for pretty ones. And I get them all with the best of intentions. I don’t honestly mean to write on the first page or two and then put it aside for the next new, pretty book.
I’m pretty sure that if I wrote an average of 2-3 pages a day, steadily, it would take me about 3 years to get through all the journals I currently have. It’s crazy. I would love to donate them (sans my initial efforts, of course) but I don’t know who would take them.
*****
My house was broken into yesterday. The front door had been kicked in. What did they take? Abso-frickin-lutely NOTHING. It’s very odd. My laptop was right there. My emerald ring was right there. My Ambien was right there. F*ckers.
The stranger part of this is that I live on a crazy-busy (for this area) corner, with an average of 100-500 cars/hour going by and they did it IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!! Whoever did it has a huge set, let me tell you. AND, one of my back windows was open to give the cats some air. Burglers are stupid.
Also? Despite having watched 10,000 hours of crime shows? I touched everything before I called the police. Good going, MaM! *eye roll*
And? Finger print dust makes a crazy mess.
Oh, well, it could have been so much worse. Right?
*****
I am down to 40 days before the Tri. I am in no way, shape, or form “ready” for it. But I’m going to go, and have fun. And hopefully change my life.
*****
I *really* want a new job. I have finally reached the decision that I am not enjoying what I am doing. However, I don’t want to just jump to some other random job. I don’t want to feel this way again in 6 months. I want to find something that excites me.
Now. To just figure out what that is.
*****
Thank you, Debra.
*****
I signed in here yesterday with every intention of shutting this blog down. Clearly I haven’t been writing anything. And when I try to write something, it just sounds to me trite and self-absorbed. And since I don’t imagine anyone else would want to read that, I thought it would be best to just say good-bye, shut it down, and move on.
When 2011 started, I was in a really good place. I wasn’t eating processed sugar. I was eating mostly unprocessed, “real” food, I was journaling every day, I had a morning ritual, and I was setting exercise goals that scared the bejeezus out of me. And for the first time since I could remember, I was able to say “I’m happy” and really mean it. Even work didn’t suck.
As the year has progressed, all of those things have, one-by-one, slowly fallen by the wayside. I feel as if I have let myself fall back to a yucky place. I have let myself fall. I have let myself down. Again.
Yes, I did it before, and I can get back up and start again. But right now, it just seems like so. much. work. Getting back to that place seems so hard; so far away.
So, yesterday, signing in to shut this down seemed like a good idea, initially. Then when I got here, it just seemed like one more thing that I would let go. One more step down the path, going the wrong way. I also read another blog post about why one “should” blog, with really well thought out reasons. I decided that was fate. Someone or something was telling me to hang on for a little while longer.
And here we are. A new blog post – such that it is. A shimmer of something that is telling me to not give up. To start journaling again. To change my mind again.
It still feels like I have so far to travel back to where I started the year, but also, I don’t feel like I can give up. Again. I liked being happy. I liked feeling “lighter”.
Thank you for stopping by and for not giving up on me. There hasn’t been much to see around here, I know. So, thank you. I appreciate it.
So….
The focus of my year, as I’ve mentioned, is kindness. To be kinder to myself and others.
One of the ways I have been kinder to myself is to eat better. I realized the other day, that quite without trying, I had not eaten anything processed or pre-packaged since the beginning of the new year. I knew I wanted to eat better things, and evidently that, coupled with my intent to eliminate processed sugar, led me to eat only things that are “real”. Go me!
As an aside, after that realization, I ate pizza before a hockey game. Dear goat. It was SO good, but SO filling. I had 2 1/2 slices (cut a 3rd in half) at around 5:30 and was full until morning. Who knew?
But I had another realization last night, when I was hit with a wave of loneliness so big that I thought I was being suffocated. Unless I wanted to get out of bed and saute up some Brussel sprouts or asparagus, I was going to have to actually “feel” this feeling and see where it took me. You see, previously, I would have gotten myself a snack of ice cream or chips or something else, and numbed my mind so that the feeling of loneliness would be crushed back down and I could go on as usual.
Not having the snack to anesthetize myself forced me to ride the wave. I cried. I hugged Maggie and Seamus. I journaled. I was able to get the feeling out. To go through it and experience it. At the time, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all. I REALLY wanted a snack. But since I hadn’t bought any, I couldn’t. Once the wave subsided, and I was able to gain a little distance, I knew that this is a good thing.
Actually feeling your feelings. Whoda thunk that such a simple concept would be so profound? I didn’t. For more years that I care to admit, I have eaten my feelings. I don’t want to do that anymore. I won’t do that anymore. (Because, really. You can’t mask feelings with vegetables, let’s be honest. ) So, my pledge for 2011: feel whatever comes up. Look at it. Examine it. Then put it down and let it go. I know it won’t be easy. I know I will stumble and reach for that… um… popcorn, I guess. But, with my sincere apologies to REO Speedwagon, it’s time for me to fly, and I can’t do that with all this baggage.
Wish me luck. This is gonna be good. I can tell.
Oh hello!
I’m sure it’s become obvious that my posting here has become more sporadic of late. Unfortunately, or fortunately I think, life and other changes have gotten in the way of me coming here.
I think I knew this was coming though. Mostly because I have been struggling with what to post about. I have felt scattered and like my posts were just random rants with no meaning. And for those few of you who stop by to say hello, I want you to have better. If I’m going to do this, I want to do it well and give you something worthy of your time.
So. I will be spending (more) time trying to think of what I really want to put out to the world. And if there is something you would like to see from me, please let me know. I *will* be back. In some form. I hope you will come back too.
xoxo
Oh, hello! I”m on quite a roll, aren’t I? The bagels are fresh and the cream cheese is whipped. Help yourself.
Ok, Universe. I get it! Seriously. I can’t stop giggling at how blind I have been.
Firstly, my Angel gave me the gift of changing my life.
Secondly, I came across what I think might be the theme song of my Inner Wisdom (and, I swear to Cod, it just came on my playlist. Right. Now!) Relentless by Audrye Sessions. Check it out.
Thirdly, the lovely and talented DailySnark had this post yesterday. Originally, I thought about doing it, but in journal form. But, I might do it here. If Scaredy Kat lets me. (She’s part of Mean Marcy’s crew.)
And today, here, there was this post. I have never read this blog before. And usually, I just skim the “headlines” on the DailyBrainstorm.
I feel like I’m getting bombarded with the pom-poms the Wonder Twins play with. (Pom-poms, because they don’t hurt. They make me giggle.)
Mean Marcy and her crew don’t stand a chance.
Oh, hello! Come in and have a glass of wine. The non-alcoholic kind is to the right.
So, a week or so ago, K2Kid sent me a link to an article about this. The challenge? Pick 6 items of clothing and wear only those for 1 month.
Since then, I have heard and read a lot about it. There are other blogs about it and news programs are talking about it. I guess I am falling in line to write about it too.
K2Kid said she wanted to try it. I was originally kind of excited about it too. What to pick? What accessories to pick? I think it would be kind of fun. While the creators of this challenge don’t necessarily discuss their philosophy, I have the belief that it’s to demonstrate that no one else really cares what you wear, so why put so much thought, energy, and money into your wardrobe. In the grand scheme of things, it’s your own fabulousness that draws people to you, not your clothes. Apparently.
I get that. I really do. However, the more I think about it, the more I think that I don’t really dress for others. I *like* wearing pretty things. It makes *me* feel good. I feel more confident if I have on something I consider pretty or classy. Except for 1 pair of shoes, I don’t really care if anyone else like what I have on. And since I have now debuted those shoes to the world, I don’t think those are that big of a deal anymore, either.
Additionally, early this year, I declared that this was the year I was going to embrace my girly-ness. I don’t think I am manly, but I wanted to wear more dresses, skirts, high-heels, etc. And if I am supposed to pick only 6 items, how can I be girly? K2Kid thought I would have it easier with the dresses, but I don’t know that it’s true. Fewer mix-n-match options, you know?
All that said, I think I am going to give it a try in August. I think I know which 6 items I will pick. And I’m confident that I can do it. I’ll keep you posted on my success.
What about you? Could you pick 6 or less and make it through a month?
Oh, hello! Grab a yogurt. We’re going to watch the Burn Notice I have on DVR.
I need an opinion, please. Because I’ve been trying something new, and I get strange reactions and I don’t know if I should continue.
We all like to think we are fabulous, right? Usually, we take time in the morning to make sure our hair/face/clothes look nice/clean/put together. Maybe not on weekends, but generally speaking, when we present ourselves to the world, we do it with our best face forward.
Amirite?
So, in the interest of spreading happy in my immediate world, I have started telling people that they look nice or whatever. I mean, I don’t chase some stranger down in the aisle at the grocery store. Because, well, that would probably get me arrested. But if I have an interaction with someone, I’ll point out that I like their outfit or whatever.
The reactions I have been getting, though, have shocked me. I would say that a majority of people look at me as if I am crazy. Or that I’m mocking them. Or just generally have a negative reaction. I don’t get that. If someone came to me and said “You are fabulous!” I would probably blush, giggle, say thank you, and want to hug them.
So, their reactions are very confusing to me. And this is where I need an opinion. Should I just think that they are fabulous, but keep my mouth shut? Should I just be swept along with the current of “there is so much negativity in the world, just go with it” mentality? That makes me sad.
Someone told me last week that she thinks I always dress so nicely. That comment stayed with me all day. It made me smile. Why don’t more people want that feeling?
What would you do?
Oh, hello! Come in. Have some tea. And I finally filled the candy dish again, so have at it.
I’m pretty sure that I have stated on here before that I SUCK at managing money. (I would go back and put a link to a previous post, but I’m too lazy. So, you can either look back, or just take my word for it. I suck.)
I have a few theories as to why it is that I suck at it so much, but I won’t go into those here. Suffice it to say, if I have cash in my wallet (or tossed in the bottom of the suitcase I call a purse), I will spend it. On what? It doesn’t matter. Anything. Everything. I wouldn’t even be able to tell you what 2 days later. It’s really pathetic.
About a year ago, I cut up my credit cards. It was traumatic and scary and hard and horrible and the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. (I still had balances, mind, but at least I could no longer ADD to those balances. Just go with it.) Honestly, if I had to do it again, I would. But I would keep one card. Because it is really hard to live in this world with no plastic.
What that little exercise in self-control has taught me is that if I don’t have the $ in my checking account, I can’t buy it. Whatever “it” is – food, entertainment, whatever. I am not always successful at sticking to that rule, and the amount of money I have actually given to my bank in the form of overdraft fees is staggering, but I am learning and getting better at it as I go.
So, why this story of woe on a Friday morning? Well, last week, I think it was Wednesday, I discovered that, yet again, I was overdrawn. And I had $1 in my wallet. Literally, one dollar. Oh. My. Goat. What was I going to do?? I couldn’t buy a coffee, or lunch, or stamps, or groceries. I had 10 days before I got paid again. Have I mentioned how much I suck at money? S.U.C.K.
With no choice, I had to eat whatever I had in the cupboard/fridge/freezer. I had to resort to the free coffee at work (with that powdered creamer crap) (which, BTW, GROSS) or nothing at all. There were no snacks, no nips to the cafe downstairs for a muffin or scone or salad. So much for my new goal of eating more healthful foods and cutting down on carbs and starches. I lived with a hunger headache and a rumbly tum. I dug deep into the bottom of my suitcase purse for spare change for an emergency Hershey bar yesterday.
But I made it. Today, I was able to walk into the grocery store across the street to get something for breakfast and know that I had the cash to pay for it. It was exciting. But, do you know what? I didn’t want most of it. I had a new perspective on the overwhelming number of options. I still have to go grocery shopping tonight, to stock up on food, and to replenish my larder, but I think my choices will be much more carefully made.
There were some good things to come out of this inadvertent experiment:
- I was finally able to clear out all the stuff in my freezer/cupboards that I had purchased, but didn’t feel like eating. You know the stuff. Pasta, rice, popcorn, whatever leftovers you may have frozen to “have later”. CLEAN START!
- I lost 9 pounds. That, right there, should tell you something. Clearly, I was eating too much.
- I learned that I really didn’t have to eat if I was bored/sad/depressed/stressed/happy. I could really only eat 3 meals a day. No snacking. And? I DIDN’T DIE. I didn’t (couldn’t) use food to mask those feelings. I ate when I was really hungry (read: dizzy and headachey), and that was it.
- I learned that I didn’t need to eat so much. I had to eat smaller portions in order to make the food last longer.
- I learned that powdered coffee creamer? Just as gross as I remembered.
- I learned that I don’t *have* to have dessert. But I just wanna.
- I learned that I really can live, and do it maybe not well, but sufficiently, without spending every last cent. It’s okay to NOT go to the drug store and buy magazines or whatever. Or to turn on the Kindle and download the 36 books that I have seen recommended lately that I now want to read. I can read the books I already have (that I haven’t read before) and discover “Oh, yeah! That’s why I bought that!”
- Oh, yeah, and I’m all set with carbs and starches for a while. Thanks.
So, I know this post started out about money and ended up about food. But, I found that the lack of one really impacts the other. This past 10 days has been hard and while I wouldn’t recommend anyone letting themselves get into the position I did, I would recommend trying to not spend money for a week on those little things that seem to so easily add up. And also, go through your stores of prepackaged foodstuffs and use that stuff up. Start over without all that stuff that really isn’t good for you. Maybe it would be better to just toss it, or to just NOT buy it in the first place, but you know what I mean.
And that cup of Chibani yogurt this morning? SO. FREAKING. GOOD!!!!! (If you haven’t tried this stuff? Holy crap. The best Greek yogurt out there, IMO. Seriously.) And it filled me up. I never thought I could be satisfied with just a yogurt, but I am. (If someone put a plate of bacon and eggs in front of my, I wouldn’t say no, mind. But I’m comfortable with just the yogurt for now.) This may be the start of something big for me. *fingers crossed*
Oh, and that dollar in my wallet? Yep. I still have it.
Oh, hello! Come in and have coffee and a sticky bun.
Sorry for the title. I may have been channeling Brigit Jones…
I say that this is more for the single folks than for people who have a partner, but perhaps it’s just because that is the perspective from which I am writing. IDK. You can judge for yourself.
Most of the time, I consider myself self-sufficient. I guess I have to be, since there isn’t anyone there to do “it” for me. I am responsible for my bills, for my house, and the maintenance of that house, my cats and their upkeep, and on and on. And most of the time, I am fine with that. I have to be, of course, but it really is true.
Then there are other times… I get sick to death of cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, shovelling the snow, doing laundry, etc. But, in my case, there is no one there to pick up the slack for me. This is where the smug marrieds have an advantage. They can look at their partner and ask/beg/nag for help, and there is a probability that the partner will do it, even if it’s not done the way they would want.
But, here is where I feel I need to clarify. I *know* that being part of a couple does not mean that each member of the pair is not self-sufficient. They are (usually).
I’m not saying this very well. But in my usual mode of just putting things out there without spending too much time picking nits, here it is.
My theory is that it is harder for singletons to ask for help than it is for the smug marrieds. And why do I think that? Because I live it. Every. Damn. Day. My feeling is that when I ask someone for help, it becomes another item on their “To Do” list. The people I could ask for help have their own lives and problems and chores and bills. And while that is also true of coupledom, at least the person you might ask for help ALSO has a vested interest in your happiness. They aren’t solely responsible for it, of course, but they see you every day and want what you want. Hopefully.
So, when is it okay to ask for help? I’ve never been clear on when it is appropriate. There have been times in the winter, when I’m out moving snow, that I have just said F*CK IT, and flagged down a passing truck with a plow and begged them to clear my driveway. But then, I am throwing money at them, so it is win-win.
Overall, I suck at asking for help. I get frustrated, then overwhelmed, then turn into a sobbing mess, and come out the other side a little bruised, but moving forward anyway. I could maybe avoid all that by asking for help sooner, but how do I ask without it being an imposition? Without becoming a nuisance? Without appearing weak? Without feeling indebted?
What do *you* do? Do you ask for help? How did you learn to do it or is it something that comes naturally?
Help!
MagAndMoo's Blog 