We’ve all heard it. Heck, we’ve all said it:
“You choose your attitude.”
“What you put out comes back to you.”
“Thoughts become things.”
And on and on.
And d’you know what? MOST of the time, I really do believe that stuff. I really do.
Most of the time.
But how do you go back to that frame of reference when circumstances in life have left you feeling so tired, so beat up, so discouraged, so blue, that that frame of reference might just as well be on Pluto?
It’s no secret I have depression, controlled most days with happy yellow pills. I would love to not take them, or not have to take them, but for now, they are my best friends.
And because of my best friends, most days, I can be like Wonder Woman and her super-power wrist bands, fighting off anything yucky.
Lately, though, the batteries on my super-power wrist bands must be dead. I just can’t hear anything bad right now.
But, and here’s the thing, I HATE asking for help. Hate it. Hate. It. And I HATE venting/dumping/unburdening whatever it is I’m going through on people I love or who love me. I don’t want to burden them, or make my problems, their problems. Or worse, have them tell me their problems so that I know they know what I’m talking about? And then I’ll take on their problems too!! (My back just tensed even typing that!)
Okay, you’re thinking. Go talk to a stranger. Go to therapy. See a counsellor. I get that. I’ve done that. And I liked it. But actually finding a therapist with whom I am comfortable? Not so easy. The last one I went to made me feel I was in a principal’s office. Hard, straight-back chair, no pillows, no arm-rests, no tissues. She sat behind her desk and looked at me (in my mind) disapprovingly. And when I would curse? Oh, dear goat. You would think I just kicked her ferret.
Not good. So now I’m a little gun-shy, so to speak.
I REALLY want to get back to believing those happy statements.
So, I’m dumping my woe into the interwebs, so that I can let it go. Sorry to be a debby-downer.
I am restless.
Fidgety.
I can’t concentrate on any one thing.
Is agitated the right word?
I’m searching.
Searching.
Searching.
And it’s just out of my reach.
What is “it”?
What is it that I am trying to find?
Achieve?
Capture?
Reach?
Will I ever get there?
Will I even know when I do?
How do I find the stillness to stop and listen?
Do you know Chibijeebs? I don’t. Not really. I follow her on twitter, but I don’t know her. I’ve never met her in person, and, like most people I follow on twitter, likely never will. But I have such admiration for her, that sometimes it feels a little creepy, even to me.
She has no idea I’m writing this post. And since there are really only about 4 of you who actually read this blog, it’s probably a safe bet that she never will. However, I’m going to put a link to her blog, so she might. If so, HI CHIBI! *waves*
So why am I writing a slightly ooky post about some woman I have never met? I have a bit of a girl crush on her.
There. I said it.
I don’t even remember how I started following Chibijeebs on twitter. Someone recommended her to me, and for that, I am grateful. She is lovely. And delightful. And an inspiration to me. She posts links to empowering and uplifting articles. And she is never shy about being honest about herself.
After I got to know her on twitter, I started stalking her reading her blog. Part of her blog is her story. And while I admit that I started reading her story with a morbid curiosity (sort of like those rubber-neckers on the highway, looking at an accident), I finished reading her story because it portrayed a woman of great strength and integrity and awareness. So many people in this world blame their upbringing for being horrible, destructive people. If you read Chibijeebs story, you will see that a bad childhood is NOT a reason for behaving badly.
I also stalk follow Chibijeebs on Pinterest. Many of the things she posts there I end up “liking” or repinning.
I’m pretty sure that if I were to meet Chibijeebs in person, I would like her immensely. I learn from almost everything she writes. I’m sure I would learn from her by being her friend.
I hope this isn’t too strange. As part of my year of KIND, I want to take the time to tell people good things. I do it in real life too. There is a house near my parents that recently changed owners. I know this because for the past year, we have been watching the transformation of the property from one of extraordinary disrepair to one that is clean, neat and beautifully landscaped.
One day, after visiting my parents, I was riding my bike home and saw the owner in the yard. I pulled in to tell her what a tremendous job she has done. We talked for a bit and then I went on my way. I hope that visit made her smile. Just as I hope this post lets Chibijeebs know that what she writes/posts makes a difference in someone else’s life.
Thank you, Chibijeebs.
Update: Okay, before I hit publish, I asked her if it would be okay. I don’t want invade anyone’s privacy or make them uncomfortable. So I have permission. *whew*
Miss me?
*****
I have 4,396 blank journals. I think it’s a borderline sickness. I love buying them. I love looking for pretty ones. And I get them all with the best of intentions. I don’t honestly mean to write on the first page or two and then put it aside for the next new, pretty book.
I’m pretty sure that if I wrote an average of 2-3 pages a day, steadily, it would take me about 3 years to get through all the journals I currently have. It’s crazy. I would love to donate them (sans my initial efforts, of course) but I don’t know who would take them.
*****
My house was broken into yesterday. The front door had been kicked in. What did they take? Abso-frickin-lutely NOTHING. It’s very odd. My laptop was right there. My emerald ring was right there. My Ambien was right there. F*ckers.
The stranger part of this is that I live on a crazy-busy (for this area) corner, with an average of 100-500 cars/hour going by and they did it IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!! Whoever did it has a huge set, let me tell you. AND, one of my back windows was open to give the cats some air. Burglers are stupid.
Also? Despite having watched 10,000 hours of crime shows? I touched everything before I called the police. Good going, MaM! *eye roll*
And? Finger print dust makes a crazy mess.
Oh, well, it could have been so much worse. Right?
*****
I am down to 40 days before the Tri. I am in no way, shape, or form “ready” for it. But I’m going to go, and have fun. And hopefully change my life.
*****
I *really* want a new job. I have finally reached the decision that I am not enjoying what I am doing. However, I don’t want to just jump to some other random job. I don’t want to feel this way again in 6 months. I want to find something that excites me.
Now. To just figure out what that is.
*****
Thank you, Debra.
*****
I signed in here yesterday with every intention of shutting this blog down. Clearly I haven’t been writing anything. And when I try to write something, it just sounds to me trite and self-absorbed. And since I don’t imagine anyone else would want to read that, I thought it would be best to just say good-bye, shut it down, and move on.
When 2011 started, I was in a really good place. I wasn’t eating processed sugar. I was eating mostly unprocessed, “real” food, I was journaling every day, I had a morning ritual, and I was setting exercise goals that scared the bejeezus out of me. And for the first time since I could remember, I was able to say “I’m happy” and really mean it. Even work didn’t suck.
As the year has progressed, all of those things have, one-by-one, slowly fallen by the wayside. I feel as if I have let myself fall back to a yucky place. I have let myself fall. I have let myself down. Again.
Yes, I did it before, and I can get back up and start again. But right now, it just seems like so. much. work. Getting back to that place seems so hard; so far away.
So, yesterday, signing in to shut this down seemed like a good idea, initially. Then when I got here, it just seemed like one more thing that I would let go. One more step down the path, going the wrong way. I also read another blog post about why one “should” blog, with really well thought out reasons. I decided that was fate. Someone or something was telling me to hang on for a little while longer.
And here we are. A new blog post – such that it is. A shimmer of something that is telling me to not give up. To start journaling again. To change my mind again.
It still feels like I have so far to travel back to where I started the year, but also, I don’t feel like I can give up. Again. I liked being happy. I liked feeling “lighter”.
Thank you for stopping by and for not giving up on me. There hasn’t been much to see around here, I know. So, thank you. I appreciate it.
So, I had mentioned that I would keep you updated with my training for the Tri. Yeah, I suck. I’ll do it now.
So much has been going on.
First up, I am down to 138 days before the event. OhEmGee!
My plan for training was that I would start with running training, since that is my weakest “event”. Then when the weather gets warmer, I will add in biking to work. And then around June or so, I would start with swimming. In a previous life, I was a competitive swimmer, so I’m not too worried about the swimming portion.
Right after I signed up, I started on a Couch-to-5k program. There’s an app for that. I thought that would be a good way to ease in. Week 1, you run 1 minute, walk 90 seconds, 8 times, with a 5 minute warm-up and cool-down. And each week you add in a little more running and a little less walking. Granted, my running speed, according to charts I’ve seen, qualifies as a “brisk walk”, but so what. I’m doing it. So far so good.
I am prone to plantar fasciitis, so in order to prevent injuries, a friend took me to a running store where I got myself professionally fitted running shoes. They make my feet look big and clunky, but they have good stability in the heels. While I was there, I also signed up for their running club because they offer coaching on tri-training. Cool. I’m in.
I made it through 2 1/2 weeks of the C25K training.
And then, my knee started getting wonky.
I think I have water on the knee. It’s all swollen in places that aren’t normal. So I bought a knee brace. It helped, but wasn’t great.
My sister found out from my mother that I had signed up for the Tri. She offered me her membership to the Y so that I could swim. I know, right? How cool was that?? The caveat was that I had to take my niece with me sometimes. It will help her with her swimming.
So, in order to give my knee a break, I went swimming. Remember how I said I used to swim competitively? Yeah. Clearly, that was a LONG time ago. Swimming is hard! *heheh* It will still be the easiest portion of the race for me, but it won’t be easy. And considering, I will have to wait until July to do any actual ocean swimming – due to the fact that even then, the ocean temperature will be around 60 degrees – it will be a challenge.
Also, I started on the stationary bike. Clearly easier than riding on the actual street, but again, I felt I needed to give the knee a rest.
I gave my knee about 2 weeks to not take the pounding and tried the running again. I did okay with it. Still not 100%, but I’ll take what I can get.
And while all this was going on, I had a little break down. My happy pills were not working. I cried all the time. I knew that I was a failure because I couldn’t run as well as everyone else. Just add this to the list of everything I have failed at. And on and on. It was really pathetic. My mother finally called me on it and told me to call the doctor to get them adjusted. I called, and I cried while making the appointment. The doctor came into the exam room and I burst into tears. Nice.
We adjusted things and I seem to be getting back on track. Even someone at work told me that my Chi was low the other day. So clearly others have noticed. I’d like to think it’s a function of my jarring something loose with the exercise but I know it’s a sign that I’m a little bit crazy.
Anyhoo. When I signed up for the running club, evidently my name was entered into a lottery to get a registration for a 10k in August. The race is a pretty big deal around here – we get runners from all over the world participating and the 6,000 registration slots usually fill up in about 30 minutes. Personally, I have absolutely NO desire to run a 10k. So I’m going to find out if I can give my slot to someone at work.
I start running training with the running club tonight. I’m hoping that some seasoned runners will give me some help with my form to help with my knee issues.
Last night, I did my first-ever spin class. Holy goat, that was hard!! I haven’t sweat that much in a long long time. There were some hate-vibes aimed at the leader during the class. But by the end, I was thinking, yeah. I’ll do this again. My lady-bits are a little sore today, though. And the standing hills we did on the bike wonked my knee. So, back to the ice and ibuprofen. It gets easier, right?
So that’s the long long (very long) version of what I’ve been up to. I am doing things that I’ve never done before. I’m more willing to try things. I’ve been swimming a bunch of times and biking. And running. Who knew a card-carrying couch potato could do this?
I’m pretty proud of myself. And I’m looking forward to seeing what else I can do. And I’ll do better with updating this. A few people at work have been inspired by my story, and have started some form of exercise as a result. That gives me a warm, yummy feeling.
Okay. Enough now. I have to go ice my knee.
UPDATED: I forgot to mention that I really was fated to participate in this event. There are 1,100 registrations available for it, and those filled up in 4 1/2 minutes. Four. And. A. Half. Minutes. I registered on my phone, while at a swim meet. What are the chances that I got in?? I’m still astounded.
I woke up this morning in the BEST mood. I don’t know why. And I don’t really care why. I woke with a smile and I LOVE IT!
I *might* have something to do with the dream I had last night. In my dream, I was just hanging out with Ozzy Osbourne, and Sharon of course, and we decided that I was to be his new personal assistant. I don’t remember the digits, but I know he had the coolest cell phone number. Also? He was so sweet! Nothing like the persona he has in public. So, naturally, we went and hung out in the Hamptons.
I have no idea.
Also today, I have walked around the Gas ‘n Sip more than normal, purposely smiling at cranky people. It is so much fun!! The response has been overwhelmingly negative and that makes me smile more! Yes, we’re at work, but it’s a gorgeous day!! So, heads up, cranky people – I WILL be smiling at you and being extra silly.
*****
Tri update: I started training Monday. I’m starting the Couch to 5k program. I made it through day 1 remarkably easily. Day 2 is today. Yes, I know it’s only 2 days in, but I’m having fun so far.
AND! I have almost $500 in contributions already. I am overwhelmed by people’s generosity and support for me! I have more to live up to, but I can do it.
177 days.
That’s how long I have until my life is formally changed forever.
Over-dramatic? Maybe.
But if you know me at all, you know that I tend to freak at new things.
Last year, in the midst of posting all the drivel just to say I posted something, I alluded to the idea that I wanted to sign up for a mini-triathlon in this area. I said that, but in the back of my mind I was thinking, “Pfft. AS IF that will happen.”
The mini-triathlon is called Tri-For-A-Cure and it’s an all women’s triathlon with all the money going to help breast cancer research. The events themselves are a 1/3 mile ocean swim, 12 mile bike, and 5k run.
Back at the time I said it, research told me that the event is REALLY popular and registration fills up almost immediately. YES! I had an out, if I needed it. “Gee, I *tried* to register, but it was full. I couldn’t.” Followed by much relief and batting of eyelashes.
However.
The Universe called my bluff. Registration opened last night at 6:30. I was at my niece’s swim meet, sweating my butt off in a humid pool area, and thought, “Okay. You have to at LEAST make the attempt in order to say you couldn’t register. You don’t have a computer, but you have your phone.”
So there I am, trying to watch my niece, watching the clock, trying to register on my phone.
I hit send, thinking, “Be full. Be full. Be full.”
“You have new email.”
“Congratulations! You have successfully regis….”
CRAP!
I swear I heard the Universe chuckling. It is getting the last laugh. I have the confirmation and I am officially committed to doing this thing. I have spent the last 12 hours alternately excited, freaked, scared, hyperventilating, and a whole bunch of other stuff.
One of my favorite things is the Notes from the Universe that I get sent to me via email every morning. The motto is “thoughts become things”. Well, I just received confirmation that THAT is true!
NEVER EVER challenge the Universe. It will push you into new and exciting things.
So, now, I need to ask for your support and encouragement. If you would like to contribute financially to breast cancer research, you can pledge at: http://tfac2011.kintera.org/mhemphill
This pledge *might* be able to be applied as a charitable contribution on this years taxes. I’m not an accountant though, so don’t hold me to that.
If you can’t contribute financially, just your love and encouragement will be more than enough. Truly.
I’ll be posting updates here on how my training is going. I have 177 days until the event. (Yes, I counted.)
So, I guess the only thing left to say is…. where do I get a wetsuit?
I haven’t been around much. I promised myself I wouldn’t post just for the sake of posting. I want to get away from posting just crap. Hopefully, this won’t be that.
I am 33 days free of processed sugar. WOOT! For the most part, it has seemed pretty easy to do. There are days, like today, where it seems I would kick a small child for a donut. But, even with that, I know I wouldn’t like it. And won’t get one.
I feel I have to add the “processed” adjective because there are some negative people around who insist that “there’s sugar in everything.” Or “There is sugar in fruit.” Yes, but the sugar in fruit is not processed to within an inch of its life, is it? And last I checked fruit is good for you. Or at least better for you than a donut.
*****
Speaking of those people… I am going to really try to eliminate such negativity from my life. If you feel the need to be negative and not support me, I feel the need to not associate with you. You are welcome to your opinions; encouraged to have them, in fact. I just choose to not be around you. It all falls in line with my word of the year: KINDness. I am trying to be KINDer to myself and others. And you don’t meet that requirement. I will remain cordial to you, but you no longer warrant further interaction.
*****
Speaking of KIND….This has been working out very well for me this year. One month in, and I am still going strong. My attitude is better, my eating habits are better, my interactions with others are (mostly) better. I feel lighter, and I am noticing that I am looking brighter. My eyes are not as dull. I like this. It’s fun to be KIND and friendly to others. I did miss an opportunity to be KIND the other day at Starbucks, but I’ll not miss it the next time.
*****
REALLY random question of the day: I was watching the Closer the other night (I love that show!), and this question occurred to me. The main character is a wine drinker, and her husband is a recovering alcoholic. Yes, I know they are just playing roles, but it made me wonder about this in a real life situation. If a person takes a drink, and then kisses an alcoholic, does it trigger something in them? Or is it not the same thing? I really don’t know. Perhaps this is a silly question, but I think about these things.
*****
What else?
Oh, I have been doing my Morning Pages for about a month now. These are my 2 pages of journaling in the mornings. It’s really been good. Honestly, I have fallen down on it of late, but I’m getting back to it. It really helps me get a focus for the day and to replenish my soul. Sometimes I feel really depleted after it seems like I have been giving to everyone else. My Morning Pages help me take care of myself so that I can take care of others.
*****
Lately, I have been attending a lot of my nephew’s basketball games. He’s a junior in HS, and is a starter. He has gotten so much better and had turned out to be such a nice kid. He’s respectful of his grandmother, which I love. And he has the most adorable girlfriend! And she’s respectful too. It’s delightful to see that in 16-17 year olds! It restores my faith in youth.
*****
I think that’s it. That’s what I’ve been up to. Perhaps I’ll have a “real” post here again soon. Until then, hugs all around!
So….
The focus of my year, as I’ve mentioned, is kindness. To be kinder to myself and others.
One of the ways I have been kinder to myself is to eat better. I realized the other day, that quite without trying, I had not eaten anything processed or pre-packaged since the beginning of the new year. I knew I wanted to eat better things, and evidently that, coupled with my intent to eliminate processed sugar, led me to eat only things that are “real”. Go me!
As an aside, after that realization, I ate pizza before a hockey game. Dear goat. It was SO good, but SO filling. I had 2 1/2 slices (cut a 3rd in half) at around 5:30 and was full until morning. Who knew?
But I had another realization last night, when I was hit with a wave of loneliness so big that I thought I was being suffocated. Unless I wanted to get out of bed and saute up some Brussel sprouts or asparagus, I was going to have to actually “feel” this feeling and see where it took me. You see, previously, I would have gotten myself a snack of ice cream or chips or something else, and numbed my mind so that the feeling of loneliness would be crushed back down and I could go on as usual.
Not having the snack to anesthetize myself forced me to ride the wave. I cried. I hugged Maggie and Seamus. I journaled. I was able to get the feeling out. To go through it and experience it. At the time, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all. I REALLY wanted a snack. But since I hadn’t bought any, I couldn’t. Once the wave subsided, and I was able to gain a little distance, I knew that this is a good thing.
Actually feeling your feelings. Whoda thunk that such a simple concept would be so profound? I didn’t. For more years that I care to admit, I have eaten my feelings. I don’t want to do that anymore. I won’t do that anymore. (Because, really. You can’t mask feelings with vegetables, let’s be honest. ) So, my pledge for 2011: feel whatever comes up. Look at it. Examine it. Then put it down and let it go. I know it won’t be easy. I know I will stumble and reach for that… um… popcorn, I guess. But, with my sincere apologies to REO Speedwagon, it’s time for me to fly, and I can’t do that with all this baggage.
Wish me luck. This is gonna be good. I can tell.
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