Oh, hello. Good to see you again. The tea is ready, so feel free to sit and chat.
Okay, I have a confession to make. I am living my life in this world as an over-weight woman. I recognize that American’s are the fattest people in the world, but unless you yourself are over-weight you have no idea what it’s like.
I am not blaming my weight on thyroid or some other medical issue. I take full responsibility for being the weight I am. But that doesn’t make the looks, the judgements, and the lack of retail choices any easier.
When I graduated from High School, I weight 120 pounds. I’m 5’6″. I was a competitive swimmer and I was very active. College brought on an additional 25 pounds, which still looked okay (and was likely due to the amount of drinking I did.).
However, after college, there was a period of, shall we say, frequent dating. Again, I take responsibility for my own actions, but I also recognize this was the beginning of the decline of my self-esteem. As the esteem declined, the eating increased. A series of rejections made it worse. I think the final straw in my complete close down was the evening when I was speaking to my on-again, off-again fella, told him I loved him, and he responded with “Fuck off”. Subconsciously, I think I decided then that I would be better off alone.
I have since steadily gained weight and have not dated. Logically, I KNOW that I use my weight as a wall or shield or whatever to keep people away. People don’t like fat people. Fat people are “lazy”, “gross”, and “disgusting”. They aren’t worth getting to know and are easy targets to make fun of. Look at all the movies that mock fat people. Comedians make fat people the butt of jokes.
It also doesn’t help that there is someone in my life who brings diet, weight-loss, calorie counts, and exercise into EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION and indicates that I haven’t met and won’t meet “Mr. Wonderful” until I lose weight. The constant mental flogging is exhausting.
But, I KNOW that I won’t meet “Mr Wonderful” until I resolve within myself the fact that the men in my past were wrong for me and about me. They were young and immature. And I didn’t and don’t deserve to be treated with anything less than total respect. I have worth and have something to contribute to this world.
I know all of these things. Really. I guess my delay is that, while I know it, I don’t necessarily believe it. I don’t know how to get past that either.How do I become “normal” and have “normal” interactions with people?
Well, I know this isn’t a humorous post. And it probably didn’t bring a smile to your face. Sorry about that.
I’ll be funny next time. Maybe.
MagAndMoo's Blog 
debra
Can I just say “Been there, done that” with the low self-esteem issues? I wouldn’t have my twenties back if they came with a small fortune attached.
But brava for this beautiful post. And I second Leslie — I hope this is a place of support and love and encouragement for you. {{hugs}}
lesleykim
I’m so excited to have found your blog! Woot!
This is such a quiet and thoughtful and lovely post. You DO have worth and YOU are important in the world. And I don’t mean to make light of the struggle by saying so. The struggle is very real. Sometimes it’s hard for the heart and guts to catch up with what the mind may know intellectually.
I do feel you deserve much better than to have to constantly have weight/diet issues thrown in your face. Ugh. Not helpful.
Hopefully this blog will be a place you can instead go to feel supported and listened to. I look forward to reading more from you! I see Jose is already here…so you are in excellent company!!
Jose (jorence)
Honest and thought provoking. And, to me, it feels like a turning point.
I would explain why, but it would probably come across as patronising or similar. Suffice to say, to write such a post requires courage and self-awareness, and therein lies strong cause for hope and success.