Oh, hello! Come in. Can I get you some water? With lemon?
Do you ever have days where you just feel alone? It’s similar to lonely but…. no, I guess lonely is a good way to describe it. But at the same time it’s also a feeling that no one “gets” you. Today is one of those days for me.
I’ve been lonely a lot lately. But it’s not the kind of lonely that getting out of the house will fix. It’s the kind that no matter how many people are around, they just don’t get your thoughts or wit or snark or kindness. It doesn’t feel judge-y either; more like they just don’t care. They are so wrapped up in their own lives and loves and work and troubles that they listen but they just don’t hear. And they may attempt to interact, but you know, looking into their eyes that they are a million miles away and everything you just said is gone. Then they get up, and go back to their bubble, and you don’t feel any better.
I know, deep inside, that I have people who care, and who love me, and would listen. And this is where the conundrum comes in. I really don’t like dumping my sh!t onto other people. They have enough to deal with without having my baggage. And so begins the viscious circle. Who do I trust enough to vent to, and yet care about less than the people I love, to not worry about leaving my cr@p there with them.
Before you say it, I know that the people who love me would listen to my b!tching. I know that. So do I dump my stuff on them, and risk alienating them if I do it too often?
And the people with whom I work, at the Gas ‘n Sip, they think nothing of it. They stop by my counter and just vent and go off and unburden themselves and think nothing of it. Maybe I’m a good listener, who knows? ::note to self: add “good listener” to my list of fabulous traits:: But then my counter is just awash in their negative chi and I have to sit there and marinate in it. I can’t smudge my area because the dang smoke alarms will go off!
The only one I can really do that with is the K2Kid and she is so busy, uh… working, that I don’t like to do that to her. I can’t talk to the Leg Jiggler because he is one of the most negative people, EVER! And somehow, he manages to turn every conversation around to himself. (Seriously, even in my annual review, he was going over things about himself that he needs to work on! Hello!?!? Can this one hour be just about me? Please??)
Holly Golightly (aka Audrey Hepburn, whom I adore!!) called this feeling “a case of the mean reds”, where it’s more than the blues, and you aren’t quite sure what’s wrong, but you just feel down. I think I need to grab my lute and go sit on my fire escape, and sing “Moon River”. Oh, that’s right, I don’t have either of those things. *sigh*
I just can’t win… where are the twins? Maybe they’ll snuggle with me if I give them treats…
2009/08/09 at 5:15 am
I. Love. This. Post.
“you aren’t quite sure what’s wrong, but you just feel down”
I get this a lot and it is so hard to get yourself out of it and perk up. Sometimes I cry for hours. Sometimes I go for long walks. Sometimes I meet friends to feel less alone and then just end up feeling more alone. Sometimes I do nothing and just hope it fades.
Thanks for making me realise I am not alone in my loneliness.
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2009/06/30 at 5:19 pm
Seriously good post. I think lesleykim has pretty nailed it (again). It is not about quantity but quality. And where honest, open, forgiving, mutual connections occur – hold them tight and treasure them, because they are a rarity. They are worth looking for, and often come from unexpected places. You just never know.
Loneliness can mean many things to someone all at the same time, and I think you’ve touched on that beautifully, if not directly.
2009/06/29 at 1:01 am
I am totally loving the “Oh, hello” greetings at the beginning of your posts. It’s like, “Ooh. What will I be offered to eat or drink today??” It’s like coming over to your place for real! Very clever touch!!
Oh boy. I really could have written most of this post myself. The cure for loneliness is never a certain amount of people around you. The cure for loneliness is connection. We are all looking to feel connected to people (at least I think so) and TRUE connection is never easy to come by. But it’s worth the effort of the search and the struggle to find it. I can count on just a couple fingers the amount of people in the world I feel this sort of depth with. But I think this connection is the very most important thing in life and what gives this world meaning to me.
Wow. This post really resonates with me. I love it. I am just sorry you’re feeling this way. (Mean Reds – I love HGL too!!) I hope it helps to feel you’re understood when you talk about this. 🙂
2009/06/24 at 10:09 pm
I hope you know that you can always dump on me. I’ve got a big bucket. 2,000 mile hug.