Oh, hello!  Come on in and have some jello.

Episode 1

So, the results from last week:

Orange team: Daniel -12 and Shay -17 (they have immunity)

Green team: Allen -19 and Abby -15 (WOW!)

Pink team: Amanda -6  and Rebecca -18

Blue team: Rudy -28 and Dina -8

Red team: Antoine -18 and Sean -22 (reminds me of Cartman)  (WOW!)

Brown team: Liz -10 and Danny -24

Black team: Alexandra -13 and Julio -13 (Alexandra went home)

Purple team: Mo -19 and Tracey – TBD (GO MO!)

So before I get started, the K2Kid and I were talking today, and have decided that some changes would be nice. What if, since they insist on making the show 2 hours every week, they spent a good amount of time and showed us what they eat. Like for a typical day? You know – teach us something. Since they keep telling us about the obesity problem, how about less of Jillian screeching at the players. We get it, she’s tough. She yells. She makes people cry. Move on.

Also, the K2Kid came up with that it should be “Lowest Percentage Lost, and you’re out”. None of the “teams” or voting out. This isn’t survivor. It’s about changing your life. Losing weight. Reclaiming yourself. She’s a smart one, that K2Kid.

Okay. Enough of that. Hang on….. Okay. I had to climb down from the soap box. Whew. It’s really high up there.

******************

On to tonight’s haps: (yeah, and I still don’t know names, so whatever. Bear with me.)

The previews showed that if collectively the fatties don’t lose 150 pounds, 2 will be going home. Let’s see how that plays out.

OOOOOOOOOOO, they’re all talking smack about Julio staying there.  Sami told them all after they booted Alexandra home about the 150 pound challenge. Brown dude looks stunned.  Way to throw in that twist Sami!

Julio is sucking up. Mo giving them a pep talk on how to do the 150. (LOVE him!) Daniel is now giving them his wisdom.  Red dude looks like he’s eating.

First workout. B&J start with the pep talk, and the fatties tell them about the 150 deal. J says it can’t be done and they should just pick 2 to go home now. Way to motivate, you snatch. Bob takes half to work out, Jill takes half to talk about eating. Calories in v. calories out. Get more out before exercising. Bob is doing circuits with the fatties.

Brown dude is crying. 11 minutes in. He’s also a sweaty pig. Bob’s dogging him. Hee.

And commercials….

We’re back. Dina (blue chick) is whining at Bob already. She thinks he’s whacked.  Blue dude is encouraging her. Brown team is with Jill to make lunch. Probably a product placement. YEP! Ziploc.  (I wonder if they feel as stupid doing these product placements as they look?)

Meanwhile, at the hospital. Mo is going to see Tracey. (Flashback to her on the beach. Yes, I’m giggling. Don’t judge me.) She’s still in the hospital bed. Mo has got to be the sweetest man. EVAH!! She thinks she’ll be back tomorrow.

Shay is bitching about Julio. Again. Shaddup. Orange team still working out. Julio still not. Okay, he’s on the stair climb thing. At a rate of about one flight of stairs. Per day. Julio = dead weight at this point. Orange chick = mouthy biznatch.

And commercials….

We’re back. Tracey walks in. They all hug, blah, blah, blah. And she’s crying. Oy. She’s weak. (Her words, not mine.) She’s chatting with Bob. She can’t work out with everyone else. Doctor won’t let her. Bob is pushing her diet. Well, actually the BL Protein Powder.  She hasn’t said yet what exactly happened.

They’re back at the CA Health and Longevity Institute again. It looks like they are in the kitchen.  The guest chef is….

And commercials….

Wait – keep a food journal. Jill said so. (As an aside… I have been doing this for the past week. Great app on the iPhone (free) that lets you log all of it. It’s keeping me honest and takes next to no time.)

Now commercials….

The guest chef is Curtis Stone. (He’s hot!!) Kitchen boot camp. 7 tips. Sami is going to quiz them. If they get 5 right, they get a 15 pound advantage at the weigh in.

1. Portion size… 3-4 ounces. (Buy the biggest loser scale!)

2. Fats and Oils.  Bake, poach, steam, grill, broil. Don’t cook any other way.

3. Don’t eat fast food salads.

4. Pasta – cut it in half by adding veggies.

5. Soda – red dude loves soda.

6. Snacking – eat protein. (Cheese.)

Oh god. They look bored. I didn’t hear a #7.  Whatev.

And commercials….

We’re back. Quiz time. I can’t possibly write the questions. Mostly because I’m glazing over.  Purple: correct; Orange: correct; Brown: correct; Pink: correct; Green: WRONG; Red: WRONG; Blue: correct. They get the 15 pound advantage. The fatties are cheering. (Shay is talking smack about Julio again. Shaddup!!!)

Commercials….  (Macy’s ad: could Mariah let her knockers hang out more??? Jeepers.)

We’re back. Hour one recap. Then a challenge. Water is involved. Rainbow flags. (A gay challenge! YAY! Just kidding.) 4 rafts, connected by balance beams. Each fattie has to get to each raft. If one falls, they all lose. The balance beams get smaller as they go. Prizes: raft 1: 5 pound advantage. Raft 2: 5 more pounds. Raft 3: Calls from home. Raft 4: 10 more pounds (and the knowledge that they all worked together.) They get “suited up” with helmets and life vests. They’re freaking. Tracey is whining. They made it to raft 1. On to raft 2. Abby is freaking.

Commercials…

We’re back. They made it to raft 2. 10 pounds so far. On to raft 3. Brown dude is crying. Red dude is crying. They made it to raft 3. They are working together well. On to raft 4. Shay is freaking out. They made it. Another 10 pounds. So they have a 35 pound advantage at weigh in.  Calls to home. Crying commencing in 3… 2… 1….

Commercials…

They’re all eating Subway. B&J come in. And crush them about losing 115 pounds total.  Not encouraging. Phuckers. B&J are strategizing. Bob is targeting Julio. Jill is hating on Julio. Last chance workout. Bob is killing Julio. Jill is killing everyone else. Julio claims he won’t be below the line again. Jill is teensy compared to Rudy.

Commercials….

Shay is crying. Bob is making her say that she deserves to be happy. She may be having a breakthrough. Moving on. They walk in to the scales. Jill is looking all biker biznatch. Bob is all Bob. Sami has a lovely red dress on. Recap of the week by Sami. They each need to lose about 7+ pounds this week. Bob crushes them again. Pink is up first.

Weigh in:

Amanda -4 and Rebecca -6 (B&J are all “told you so” – complete with head bobble, pursed lips, and finger wave)

Daniel -7 and Shay -16 (Daniel is in the 2oos.)

Allen -10  and Abby -11 (suck on that B&J!)

Rudy -14 and Dina -8 (Rudy is at 400. 42 pounds in 2 weeks.)

Antoine -8 and Sean -11 (fatties shouldn’t dance. *eek*. Oh, and red dude’s wife is having a baby girl)

Liz -10 and Danny -12 (SERIOUS moobs on this dude. And we got a close up.)

Julio -19 (suck on that Shay!)

Mo -9 and Tracey -10 (BTDub, Tracey started at 238. They weighed her at the hospital.)

They collectively lost 155 pounds. Suck on that B&J. They beat the week 2 curse. Pretty impressive, fatties. You are keeping me motivated!!!

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