Oh, hello! Come in and have a sugar-free popsicle, and we’ll watch episode one together.

A new season of TBL starts tonight. I can’t wait. The transformations are usually phenomenal, even though, by the end of the season, the remaining contestants make me stabby.

This season is being called “The Season of Second Chances”.

The contestants:

Abby: 35 yo teacher; her “second chance” is that she lost her husband and 2 kids in a fatal car accident (SAD!!), and wants to get back to life. Horrible, horrible story. Really.  She’s 5’4″. Starting weight: 247 pounds.

Alexandra: 20 yo college student; 5’8″. Second chance at a future – living a normal college life. Cannot currently fit into the classroom seats. Starting weight: 309 pounds

Allen: 44 yo fireman. 5’11”. Second chance: success as a fireman. His weight currently puts others in his unit at risk. Starting weight: 325 pounds.

Amanda: 19 yo Patient Care Tech. 5’6″. Second chance: “to really start living in her 20s”. (WTH?) She is the one selected at the finale of last season. Starting weight: 250 pounds.

Antoine: 23 yo Health Insurance Agent. 6’0″. (health insurance? heh.) Second chance: his father died at age 30, and he feels he may too. Starting weight: 367 pounds.

Daniel: 20 yo student. 5’8″. Second chance: he was on last season with the dick-head partner who didn’t do much. I liked him last season, and wanted him to succeed, but honestly, I don’t know how I feel about him having another go on this show. I think it irritates me that he comes back, when there are so many others in this country who would love the opportunity. He’s already lost 142 pounds at home, so he clearly has a handle on it. We’ll see if he can change my mind. Starting weight: 312 pounds.

Danny: 39 yo land surveyor/musician. 5’11”. Second chance: he previously lost weight and gained it back. His family wants him to be more healthy. Rock star at 17. Starting weight: 430 pounds.

Dina: 28 yo custodian. 5’5″. Second chance: gained weight while pregnant with her son. Her doctor said her weight is preventing her from getting pregnant again. Starting weight: 253 pounds.

Julio: 40 yo mortgage loan officer. 6’0″. Second chance: To help him with his job and to be an example for his wife and kids. Starting weight: 407 pounds.

Liz: 47 yo salesperson. 5’7″. Second chance: to have energy to play with the 9 grandkids and to be healthier for her husband who had bypass surgery. Starting weight: 267 pounds.

Mo: 56 yo youth mentor. 6’2″. Second chance: to be a role model for the kids he mentors and to prove that you can do anything you set your mind to. (oops, my participle is dangling… *blush*). Starting weight: 355 pounds.

Rebecca: 25 yo student/nanny. 5’6″. Second chance: previously lost weight and gained it again. Has been called fat all of her life. 235 by 14. (Yikes!) Starting weight:   279 pounds.

Rudy: 34 yo engineer. 6’4″. (Big ‘un!) Second chance: to be healthy for his kids and to be around to walk his daughters down the aisle. Starting weight: 442 pounds.

Sean: 29 yo youth pastor. 6’2″. Second chance: he is also a musician and losing weight will help him to succeed in that. 2 kids and one on the way. Starting weight: 444 pounds.

Shay: 30 yo social worker. 5’8″. Second chance: to be a better role model for her clients and help motivate them. Also, she grew up in foster care, while her homeless mother lost her battle with a heroine addiction.  Starting weight: 476 pounds. (making her the single largest contestant, man or woman, to ever be on the show.)

Tracey: 37 yo homemaker. 5’2″. Second chance: gained a lot of pregnancy weight (4 kids! UGH!) and wants to be able to run with her Marine husband. Starting weight: (TBD – She’s still at the hospital.)  (She gets helicoptered out for medical attention.)

Of course, Jillian and Bob are back. They are co-training this season. I’m not sure what that means. We’ll find out.  And Ali is the host.  Let the fun begin!

Ali greets them and gives them a challenge. They have to run a mile. The winner gets Immunity at this weeks weigh in. And pick a partner for the rest of the season. Both have immunity. Fatties are not happy. She stops them before they start so that Daniel can arrive.  (Pause for 42 commercials). We’re back. Most are walking. Tracey “sprinted” up the hill. Then couldn’t run down the hill. Shay is last so far. Lots of encouraging each other so far. Daniel won. 14:20 for a mile. Not bad. Tracey is down. Mo is uber sweating and with the doctors. Shay is down. And she’s up. Tracey is still down. Medic is with her. Everyone is helping her. Carrying her. And she’s down again. (It’s really bad, but I’m giggling.) She can’t keep her eyes open. She on the table. Medics are everywhere. Just called the med-evac. Aaaaaand, she’s off to the hospital. (Pause for 37 commercials.)

We’re back. Tracey and Mo are still at the hospital, but still fine. They are picking partners now. Wait, 1 hour of bonding before partnering. Lots of tears. Lots of sad stories.

Partners are:

Daniel and Shay – orange team

Allen and Abby – green team

Amanda and Rebecca – pink team

Rudy and Dina – blue team

Antoine and Sean – red team

Liz and Danny – brown team

Alexandra and Julio – black team

Mo and Shay – purple team

Weigh ins! And enter Bob and Jillian. Jillian is already bitchy. Lots of tears. Lots of shots of Bob and Jillian looking astounded.  More people over 400 pounds than any other season. Bob is horrified at the size of Shay. (*snort*).

Workouts! They all have body bugs. (I’ve checked – $275). Jillian is already yelling. Lots of sweat. Lots of flashed of gut. (EEK!). Tears. Oh, god. There are a lot of moobs this season. And WE HAVE PUKING!!! (ftw)

The trainers are cussing up a storm. “Make a choice. If you don’t choose to change, no one can help you.” From Jillian. Not bad.

Shay just wussed out of the work out. Probably not the best idea when Jillian is screeching at you during your first work out.

(42 more commercials. And a recap of the first hour.)

Back to Shay. Sobbing. B&J are ignoring her trying to get her to come back. She manned up, and went back in. And J is back in her face.

Mo is back. He was dehydrated, low blood sugar and low blood pressure. Red guy (Sean, I think) gave him the purple shirt and told him that Tracey is his partner and still in the hospital.

Trip to the doctor. Dr. H greets them and scares the crap out of them with medical stuff. CA Health and Longevity Institute for more tests. MRIs and X-Rays and blood tests and on and on. Again, scaring the crap out of the fatties. What diseases they have, their actual age versus their medical age. OMG. More tears. Followed by 57 more commercials.

Last chance workout, BITCH! Screaming, puking, sweating, grunting, pain, drama, falling. Julio smooched Jillian for dogging him. Hee. Bob: this group has a lot of emotional baggage. Ya think??  Waiting for Alexandra to belt J in the head with the weights.

Weigh in: (Oh, wait. More commercials.)

(I’m going to show amount of weight lost this week.)

Daniel -12 and Shay -17 (they have immunity)

Allen -19 and Abby -15 (WOW!)

Amanda -6  and Rebecca -18

Rudy -28 and Dina -8

Antoine -18 and Sean -22 (reminds me of Cartman)  (WOW!)

Liz -10 and Danny -24

Alexandra -13 and Julio -13

Mo -19 and Shay – TBD (GO MO!)

There is a whole lot of BAD makeup going on this season. Oy! So far, I love Coach Mo. (GO MO!!)  I hate Alexandra. Not loving Daniel right now. He’s cocky – like “I’ve done this before, you should listen to me”. I like the brown team. I like the green team. Not loving pink. Jury is still out on the rest.

Black team is below the yellow line. Alexandra and Julio. Alexandra is going home by a vote of 4-3!! Thank goat. Bitch is out of there. Transformation moment: lost 60 pounds at home. She looks pretty good. The makeup is still criminal. She wants to be at 180 by finale.